The Postcard That's Taped To The Freezer Reads Wish You Were Here.

So, wow. This is my last chance to blog in 2008.
Crap, I've gotta come up with something beautiful and touching, right?
Hmmm.
It's 10:19 on New Year's Eve, and i'm sitting on my mom's bed in boxers and an old hockey jersey. I could [and should] be out partying with my nearest and dearest, but i've been so dang lethargic this week, I don't even want to pretend to have the energy to go out... Especially since i couldn't find metallic leggings to go with my AMAZING outfit I had picked out for tonight. [[That's so typical me... I had this perfect outfit all set up, and then i realized I don't own half of what I wanted to wear.]]
Something deep... Still working on it...
I've not left the house hardly at all since Sunday, aside from going to the doctor's yesterday.
But Saturday I'm going with Rachelle to LION KING!!! At Gammage! I'm so excited... Partly because the show will be AMAZING and partly because I'm happy to spend time with one of my best friends. I'm a complete flake, so we don't usually hang out much, but we're both so incredibly happy and girly and giddy, it'd be a shame to not enjoy it together.
Then Saturday Sam's coming home! I won't see him until I get back Sunday, but still... I'm ready for him to not be six hundred and fifty miles away. Silly, I know. Completely irrational. And I love it. :D


Crap, I've gotta quit procrastinating and just come up with something to say before it's too late!

So, I've gained quite a few people in my life this year... Tara [you sweet thing, I still owe you a message], Sammie [I'm going to have to call you that now, since Sam-the-Facebook-Wife is not longer accurate], all my friends from CHT [especially the St. Johns ones, and the few I've stayed in touch with... Mostly just Jacob], Hair [I'm so glad I got over my irrational dislike of you, because you're kinda just really REALLY awesome], Leah [girlfran!], the college kid [Nick, and especially Samtheboy] and so many others. I know I'm leaving so many out, but seriously? How incredibly blessed am I that in just one year I can name off the top of my head at least six people that I love [yep, even you Hair. :)] and hope to keep around for many years to come.
I've lost people too... Some of them were those people that you're absloutely sure you'll never be without, you know those? There were three people I started the school year out with knowing I would never lose... Of those three, I am now even on speaking terms with one. Some of that was my fault, and some of it was for the better. But wouldacouldashoulda won't get my anywhere, right? All I can do is be grateful for what was there and learn from it.

I wish there was a way for me to be with all of you, new and old, right now. If there was a way for me to hold on to you when the clock struck, find some way to seal friendships with a kiss on the cheek and hope it stayed until next new year, I'd do it. But this is as close as I get, a blog that probably only three or six of you will read.
Somehow, that's enough. That's part of life, right? You reach who you can, and you learn to let go of those you can't.

So, New Year! Yay! Shay made me want to get into resolutions, so there I go!

New Cass:
Loves more deeply.
Forgives more easily.
Doesn't let the drama-rama get to her.
Smiles at strangers.
Reads important books.
Writes more often, and better.
Laughs more, and more deeply.
Learns to let go what needs to be let go...
But hold on more fiercely to what she doesn't want to lose.
Calls people back.
Drinks more water.

How's that for goals?

Oh dear... Now I think I'm just ranting.

So... Here's to the hope that we're all still around next New Year.

Love you all. So much.

SENSORY OVERLOAD...

There's too much happy in the air!
Seriously... Everyone's just so happy! Two of my best girls got boyfriends within, like, 24 hours of each other... Plus Sh-ake! My OTP are back together, and I am pretty much flippin GIDDY about that. I'm so happy for you guys!
And that's not even mentioning me and my absolutely obnoxious giddy Miss Sunshine mood lately. I cannot remember the last time I was this happy, and I've got a pretty great memory. A lot of it is happy for the people around me; Almost everyone seem to be in a really good place right now. That makes Little Miss Codependent in me very happy. And then there's just me happy. Happy for me, happy because of me, happy because I make other people happy. Like, I wake up smiling and I go to sleep smiling, and it never feels faked these days. Which is kinda a big deal?

Love this song and video this week!



I loved being in the valley, and I'm kinda happy to be home. Today was just kind a traumatic day! FOUR missionary farewells...
Skippy Holladay is leaving to North Carolina.
Stanton Davis is leaving to Columbia.
Curtis Ellsworth is going to Madrid, Spain.
And Rhett MacNielle, my 'heathen', is going to South Dakota.

It's not like I hang out with the boys anyway, half of them were away at ASU. But... There's something so final about someone leaving like that. No matter what happens, I won't hear Skippy laugh, or Rhett play the piano, or Stanton sing for TWO YEARS. And Kyle Pratt is going to Indiana, he's leaving soon... I feel like I'm losing people who should not be lost.

But! there's always a silver lining. For one, they're all going to be incredible missionaries, I know it. And more than that, I'm happy.
I'M HAPPY.

And now I kind of know why... Because it's been four months.
This is an incredible talk that Sam found... I would SERIOUSLY recommend watching it. Especially Blake, Ms. Abel, Benny... Other intellectuals.



Anyways, I love you all.
So much.

Talk to you soon.

Miss Cassidi Is Not A Cat.

Whoops... I guess it has been almost a week since I posted.
It goes back to this theory Miss Amy and I have:
People only blog late at night when they're bored and depressed. When you're happy, you don't want to blog, you want to spend your time being happy.
Or as Karadactyl and I have found out, silly and happy and giggly.
So here's a bit of an update...

Christmas was pretty bomb! aside from that it still doesn't feel like christmas... it should just barely be thanksgiving or something. But loot! I got 'the Cassidi' dress, which I am so happy about... Almost as much because of what it means than the dress it's self... it means i'm healing. i bought the dress, with all the emotional attachment it has, but i plan to have it mean something very different soon. it will be a physical representation of the emotional and mental journey i've come on the past six months, of what i've lost and what i've gained, and will continue to lose and gain. and that means more to me than anything else i could've been given in a box or bag.
i also got a printer, and ABBA Gold [tehe!] and a cool shirt.
then i came down to the valley, and kinda hit the jackpot here. my dad got me this really pretty silver necklace, and money. then miss amy got me a new digital camera! and get this... PINK POLKA DOTS. which in and of it's self would be awesome, but she got me a betsey johnson camera case. BETSEYVILLE!!!! Squee!
So that's that.
I'm in the valley of the sundresses and low rise jeans? except for that i tried to wear low rise jeans today and froze my butt off! it should not be cold and overcast down here... when it is there is virtually NO appeal. Except for my favorite part of Christmas...
After Christmas SHOPPING! All I have to say is, I need to start going on more dates, because I just got a few way cute dresses that I don't want to waste on regular school days.

Other than that, things are just going incredibly well.
I'm a-dork-ably happy and smiley all the time... And I love it.

The Most Remarkable Thing About You Standing In The Doorway Is That It's You, And You're Standing In The Doorway.

This has been running through my head for about a week now.
I don't know why, maybe because of the essay on a relationship I'm writing, that really made me think about the way I think about people. [How's that for circular reasoning?]
I've been thinking about how real that is. I mean, it sounds like nonsense, but it's not!

It's you.
You are an amazing person, a person worth reckoning. YOU are remarkable.

And you're standing in the doorway.
You're here. You, this incredible, remarkable person... You're in my doorway. You're standing there, facing me... In my door way.

And no, that's not about any particular person, so don't get your panties in a twist.
It's just... truth.
I'm into that these days...
Ugly truths that expose weakness.
Exciting truths that, when revealed, produce wonderment and connection.
Disappointing truths that are what they are, without any hope of reconciliation.
On the other hand, I'm pretty proud of myself for that. I'm training to not give into my natural people-pleaser instincts, but instead to do what i feel is best.



This picture makes me happy. It reminds me that even in the dead of winter, there can be sunshine and happiness found.

What The Blog?

Okay, so I found this on Katy Perry's blog, but I totally promise it has nothing to do with her.
It just made me go
Whiskey.
Tango.
Foxtrot.
??

PS: I'm totally going to use that all the time now... Thanks Ms. Abel. :D

Take Me Away...

Not such a good day.
I'll write more later, I don't even have the heart to now.

But Kara put this song on a CD for me, and it seriously COMPLETELY explains how my life feels right now.


Wherever one door closes, a window opens, right?
:(

The Things That Might Happen.

Just so you know, I checked and it's all going to be ok. I promise.


via pleasefindthis.blogspot.com

Truth.

I watch people sometimes, wonder how they can walk around with the weight of what they know. Wonder if they feel like me, stumbling with lead shoes on the bottom of the ocean, swimming in a sea of the unsayable. It’s a mistake we make, thinking its words that tell us everything. It’s sound that breaks glasses, cracks windows, sends cats up trees. Bats hear more than humans, understand more noise, let alone dogs. Maybe we’re just not getting it, standing here listening for sensible speech, dying of loneliness and waiting for whatever it is. How do we know we’re not calling and calling all the time, our throats so tight with it, its too high to hear?

-Cate Kennedy, A Pitch Too High For Human Ear (Short Story)

Playlist.

1.


2.


3.

The air felt thinner in the room. Thinner, and sad.

to all the ones who tried the most was i supposed to cheer your efforts?
golly gee... i am the poster girl!
i've missed the dresden dolls SO MUCH.


How are you? Fine, and you? It’s not that we don’t care, it’s that we’re terrified that someone will actually break down and tell us. Everyone I know is in some kind of pain. Everyone. How do you like them apples? And so, another reason to lie, because we’ve all agreed not to tell the truth to each other, not about that. Someone put their hand in my heart and they didn’t take it back out.

-Richard Siken

I feel like this every day.


Dear You:

Love, Me.

I Must've Missed The Memo...

About today being "A Little Piece of Hell" day. I mean, if I had known, I would've at least dressed up for the occasion.

Everything was fine until 3rd hour. I went to lunch with Kara, did pretty well in math, loved government [as usual] and then the crap hit the fan. I can't even... My mom took my laptop away, so I hadn't been online in quite a while, so I snuck on Facebook in Ms. Abel's room. Right in time, I guess.
how do you leave the past behind when it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?

I couldn't even look around the room. Everything was spinning... It's like those stupid movie scenes where all the sound dulls except for the heartbeat, which is somehow overpowering. Ran to the bathroom, tried to throw up what wasn't in my stomach, and did what any upset girl does:
I went and found my Bee. Bawled my eyes out in the middle of Bledsoe's classroom.
How does that happen? It must be like seeing someone falling from a tightrope into Niagara Falls... A part of you totally expects it, but it's still hard to watch. Except it was me falling off the rope, and no one seemed to notice. I don't blame them... It's not something you watch for. Except for me, being a total basketcase as it is. I always expect it. Dread it, but know it's coming.
It takes so little to fall... An unexpected gush of wind. A yell, causing you to look and lose your balance. A picture.

So Bee and I ditched 4th hour and went to the only place in the world that can solve problems [or so i thought]: Fiesta Mexicana. Except turns out it wasn't as perfect as I've always dreamed... I couldn't even finish my raspberry daiquiri. And completely forget about the chips and salsa. Mostly we sat and she listened to me cry, and we tried to figure out what was wrong with the boys in our lives, and decided we'd leave that to brain surgeons or someone who knew, like the Dali Llama. We were about to leave, still pretty teary [I was, anyway] and we suddenly looked at our check. It has the place where it says so-and-so was your server, except ours was a little different:
Taken Care of By: Jesus.
I KNOW, RIGHT?
After that, we went thrifting and she got a wicked instant Polaroid camera [2.50!] and I got two dresses, for only $4! Pictures of those later.
Then in something I can only call serendipity, we took a back road to the school, and guess who we saw?
If you guessed Alex and Nick driving to his house, you're lying.
We made a hasty U-turn, then tailed those boys all the way back to Alex's. [Okay, kinda hasty.] I was so happy to see them... Those two completely made my day. Also, decade. =]
They had to leave for class in Snowflake, so after a few minutes we said goodbye to Alex, Nick, Adrian and Chelsea [they showed up soon after us] and went to KMart and played Rock Band- er, Guitar Hero III! With Bee on the drums and me on the guitar, we rocked out to 'Eye of the Tiger' [Shout out to my boy Jensen] and Everlong, and some Sumblime song I've fell in love with. They didn't have the film for the Polaroid, so we went to WalMart and picked it up. Then we drove to dad's office singing sad songs at the top of our lungs [par the course for the two of us] and I came inside. Tried to eat some popcorn [didn't stay down long] and now I'm entering receipts in mom's computer and blogging.
Don't know why I bother blogging... I mean, it's not like it does any good. It doesn't take away this feeling like my stomach somehow was installed upside down. It doesn't get rid of the embarrassment and anger that just isn't going away, even after exactly FOUR MONTHS.
For what it's worth, I was okay. I was getting the happy back again. I have incredible people in my life who have somehow dragged me out of my sadness zombie stage, and it wasn't easy for them. But they didn't give up on me. Only now I feel like I've gone careening back, like I tripped over some invisible crack in the ground and fell face first into that dream where waking up is almost as bad as the nightmares, and I can't even function around happy people because I bring them down.
Welcome back, "Negative Energy". Only this one isn't all my fault. You can blame this on the past that refuses to stay buried, on the memories that won't go away and the hopes that were completely and irrefutably shattered last weekend.
Hey thanks!
And by the way, you don't get to tell me to settle down. And you don't get to tell me you love me... that's part of what got us in this mess to begin with. I told you, but you didn't listen. About as usual, I'd say. So if you're upset, or angry, or think you can make yourself out to be the victim? FORGET ABOUT IT. Though you're not really the one who has to put up with it, do you? I doubt you even care anymore. Something in me wants to believe that if you had any idea, you'd at least try to do something about it. But what? Nice of you to try to keep up appearances, though.

In other news, I'm taking Nick Prevo to Winter Formal. Should be jazzy... He's a fun kid. We're in a group with my Bee & Eric Pearce so far... Anyone else need a group?

Everything I Do Is Laced With Your Color.

The Happy version of Twenty Things... Thanks Ms. Abel for the Motivation!

1. I am tearing up just thinking about you. Do you have any idea where I'd be if you hadn't been around the past three years? Dead is where I'd be. Or at the very least in an abusive relationship. I seriously want to keep you all to myself and never even let anyone else around, just so I won't ever have the chance to lose you. Bad mental process, I know, and anyone else in the world would freak out over it. But you get it. You know all my dark, dirty secrets, and I don't even care. You light up my life. I wake up in the morning excited to see what new amazing things you have to share with me. If I ever lose you, sepeku will inevitably follow.

2. You are absloutely beautiful. And to make it worse, you're one of the sweetest, most genuine people I've ever known. I am so proud to call you one of my nearest and dearest. I hope nothing will ever pull us apart.

3. Words cannot express how much you've come to mean to me. I know I'm never going to be one of your 'can't-live-without's, and you are one of the few people that I realize that and don't care. Every time you open your mouth, I know I'm going to hear something that skews my perception of the world around me. I am so blessed to have you around. Love you, man. I hope to always have you in my life.

4. You are the sweetest, dearest, most fascinating person I have ever met in my life. Every time I think about you I'm just mesmerized [which is quite often, actually.] and the best part is that you feel the same way about me. If anyone could've pulled me of the the zombie phase, it would have to be you. I'm so grateful every day that I have you in my life. And I do love you. Maybe not in the same way yet, but don't doubt that I do.

5. I seriously do not know where you have been all my life! I have never felt so close to someone I met so recently. I see in you so much that I want to emulate, your attitude, your inner strength, your beauty and you pure heart. You deserve the very, very best, and I know you'll get it. I hope that we can always be friends!

6. You're not around anymore, and I get that. I don't regret it. But I would be stupid to try to act like you haven't had any impact on me. For years now, you've had a spot so very dear to my heart. You could always lift me up, no matter what it was dragging me down. You helped me grow in so many ways, and a part of me will always miss your explosions of happiness. I don't think things would work out even if you did want me back, but it doesn't matter anymore. Love you in lightyears. Still.

7. You have taken me to the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Nothing about you is mellow to me. I wish every day I could go back and right some of the wrongs, but you always told me to have faith that everything will work out. You will always have the biggest part of my heart, and be the main component of my life plans. I hope someday there will be peace between us, but until then, just know that I would not be anything close to the person I am today if it hadn't been for you and the fact that you, at one time, were mine. Love you, sorry for the mess.

8. I miss who you were, who we were, and whether you like it or not, I will always call you my best friend. You helped me [literally] dance through some really rough spots, and that won't be soon forgotten. I seriously would marry you just because I don't ever want you to not be around me. But I'm so glad you're as happy as you are. Your happy makes me happy.

9. I spent so long being jealous of you I didn't realize how much I really love you. But now that I've gotten over my own selfish problems, I realize you are one of the best, sweetest, most beautiful people I know. I seriously just want to be your best friend, more than anything. I wouldn't really know how to tell you that I just want to be a big part of your life, because I think the world of you. I'm sorry for the problems we've had in the past, but I really want you to know that I just love you. I think you might be the same person as me, but who makes all the right decisions.

Cassidi and Tara Have Fun At The Mall.

We were twinsies with our darling dresses and red hair!


It was actually disgusting how cool those dresses were... And how expensive!


And these came home with us.


Basically... Yesterday was amazing. My next blog will include how incredibly charmed my life is... Serendipitious, really.
I love you all!

Shiny, Happy People...

This is the song of week, guys. It totally sums me up lately!


And I really love this one, too... I heard it when I was hanging with Tara in October, and just barely refound it. LOVE LOVE!


So, tomorrow is probably gonna be the coolest day EVER... I get to hang out with Miss Amy in the morning, then go to the Phoenix Art Institute, then go chill with Tara! I'm so flippin psyched, you don't even know.

Someone's Sweetheart.

This is something I have really come to appreciate more lately.

The people we know, and even the people we don't, someone cares about them. Every single person who has ever lived has someone who wants them to be happy and loves them. How would we feel if our someone got flipped off, or insulted, or even cut off? We want the best for the people we love. And everyone, everyone. has someone who loves them. They may not be in their life right now, but someone, somewhere, loves them and wants someone to look after them, to keep them safe.
How will that person feel, knowing that you or I hurt their whole world? Knowing you made them shed even one tear, the person they only want to have smiles and sunshine in their life? Maybe it was unintentional, maybe it was just that you overcharged them, or swore at them, or just picked a fight. But you effect the lives of everyone around you.

I think that's just something we need to remember, especially me... Every person you know has someone who loves them and cares about them. So let's just treat them like they were our someone, or their someone is our someone.
Kay?

Other Adventures With The Word Sweetheart.

At 1776 with Alex, an old gentleman named Barry came up to me and told me I looked just like his high school sweetheart. The exact same hair color, cut, and same facial structure. I was so flattered! He was so excited, I think, to see someone who reminded him of someone so dear to him.
That really made me wonder... This man had to be at least in his 50's, possibly older. And he still fondly remembered the girl who had his heart in high school. I'm assuming it ended well, as he was so happy to remember her. Who will remember me from high school? Who, decades from now, will smile when they see someone who reminds them of me? Or even care to recognize a resemblance? I'm afraid I've already slammed one door shut, I'm pretty sure they'll just flinch. But is there hope for others? People who will be pleased to reminisce about good times? People I'll run into, we'll stop for drinks, and just enjoy each other's company?
Sweetheart is still my favorite word. Though lately I'm partial to the Spanish translation, querida. I simply love it. Sweetheart, dearest, love. I'm a sucker for petnames. =]

The Same Old Blood Rush With A New Touch.

So, I realize I've not blogged in a while. Missed me, right? Not. I've got stuff to say, just... No motivation, I suppose. I'm so tired all the time, I don't even want to stay up to blog.
But I'm so happy these days! Maybe that's it... I told Miss Amy the only time anyone is bored enough to blog is in the dead of night when you're depressed and lonely... Otherwise you'd have better things to do. That's the way it is with me, anyway.



But truly! I'm happy... All the time now.
Here are some of the things that have made me happy:

1.
I cannot tell you how much I love this song!

2. You're the most beautiful zombie I've ever seen.

3.
[Yes, I realize the pic is crazy old. Don't care.]
I've been hanging with Blake lately... And seriously, man. I think I respect you more than just about any teenager I know. Just talking with you, hanging out with you has changed my entire outlook on things lately. I owe you... Big time.

4.

5. My first shot at 'fashion blogging', just a pic of [almost] what I wore when I went out with Alex last night [<3]


6. Going to 1776 with Alex! It was awesome! So well done, and really just a fun show. And I loved hanging out with Alex, and Katie, and the others. I love you, HS friends, but sometimes it's nice to just get a change of scene. They're fun, and all so dang good looking! It was almost intimidating... But they were so nice, it was awesome!

7. Dress Up Day with Haylee Bee. I love that dress so much... I'm going to wear it when I get married!


I'm going to go against my better judgement and stop the list at seven... I'll probably be up for hours tossing and turning because my OCD wants the list to be at ten. But it's long enough already. =D
I'm leaving in the morning... Going to the valley ALL WEEK! I'm so incredibly excited! I get to hang out with Tara, possibly Sam, and get my hair done!
Now if i can just find my stupid camera...

Open Your Eyes; I Need You To Look Into Mine.

If you tuck the name of a loved one
under your tongue too long
without speaking it
it becomes blood
sigh
the little sucked-in breath of air
hiding everywhere
beneath your words.




The last 48 hours may have been some of the best of my senior year.
I can't even put most of it into words... Just feelings I had, things that suddenly made sense. It became completely clear that humans and pine needles fall to the ground when they've been thrown up. That there is a whole Somewhere Out There beyond the pale moonlight, if only I can be brave enough to reach for it.

Why I Haven't Been This Happy In A Long Time
1. Acadec Scrimmage: Went so well! We basically kicked butt and took names... We tied St. Johns in Superquiz! Also, Ms. Abel promised me if I beat all the A's in quizzes for the rest of the class, she'll make me A1. My new goal is to get more medals as an A than Tucker did. :]
2. Yesterday [Friday] after school, Blake and I just hung out, and talked about everything. That's mostly what's hard to describe... I let out a lot of things that I've been keeping pent up, and then I tried to let some new things, new ideas, new hopes, in where the old bitter and hurt were stored in my heart. I hope some of it will stay. At the end of life, you just hope you have the right kind of regrets.
3. Hanging with Ms. Abel, my best person in the galaxy. We were able to talk talk talk our heads off, and that was absolutely awesome. I think we both really needed it, especially since we're NOT GONNA SEE EACH OTHER FOR TWO WEEKS!!! It's okay... We'll be stay a LOT more in contact now that she's GIVEN IN TO THE SOCIAL NETWORKING CRAZE!!! {I love you the mostest.}
4. It is OVER! The Outsiders, the stupid play that stole my soul, my time, my health, my best friend, my everything... The dark hole that sucked what was left of my love of theatre and hope in people. It's OVER! I won't ever have to perform on that stage again.
I know in about two months, i'll be heartbroken. I won't eat or sleep or talk for days, just because I can't handle change. But as of now, all I can feel is relief. I don't have to worry, I don't have to get sick, I don't have to stress. Well, I'll have to stress, but not about that. And no more 'there's more drama in drama than drama'. I wash my hands of everything. And I feel free.


I want to be better. I want to be happy, to let go of things.
I think that's my first step... Kali tells me that holding onto grudges is unhealthy. Like, literally bad for the body. So I want to slowly and systematically remove the hate and anger from my system. Some things will definitely take longer than others... I'm usually good at letting go of the small stuff fairly quickly. It's when I let the thorn fester and get infected in me that I have a problem.
Start with forgiving yourself, and stop blaming yourself for something that isn't your fault.

Count Me In.

10 things you wish you could say to ten different people right now:

1) I'm always terrified that you'll stop loving me... Probably because I deserve it.
2) I cannot put into words how grateful I am for you. You seriously amaze me. Please don't ever not be in my life?
3) I miss you so much. I hate knowing things will never ever be the same.
4) You're the reason I wake up some mornings.
5) You are not him. Not even close.
6) I really want to be a big part of your life.
7) I'm afraid of what you're turning me into.
8) You're the reason I have no more emotional inhibitions... If someone I love as much as I did you could do to me what you did, there's no point in trusting anyone with that much power, so why not distribute it evenly. Um, thanks?
9) I don't hang out with you for a reason.
10) I've got your iPod.

9 Things people probably don’t know about you:

1) I'm totally addicted to European fashion blogs.
2) I'm double jointed in the elbows.
3) I'm not really into shoes anymore.
4) I don't want to get my license.
5) I will sing along to ANYTHING. Seriously, if I know the words, I'll be jamming out right along with it, and I don't care if you are annoyed or not.
6) I'm huge into dream interpretations and such... Tell me your dreams, I'll tell you what your subconscious is trying to tell you.
7) I'm not good at anything practical. It's hard to find careers in acting, photography and making people feel good.
8) It really bugs me when people can't take compliments well.
9) My favorite parts of my body are my neck, shoulders and collarbone.

8 ways to win your heart:

1) Make me laugh.
2) Interact with my family.
3) Make me think.
4) Respect yourself, and me.
5) Little things: A flower, a smile, an acknowledgment, a joke.
6) Compliments. 'Nuff said.
7) Be emotionally wacked. [Apparently I just can't handle good, normal guys.]
8)

7 awesome movies:

1) Gone With The Wind.
2) Spaceballs.
3) The Bachelor.
4) Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back.
5) Talledega Nights.
6) South Pacific.
7) Saturday's Warrior.

6 things you do before you fall asleep:

1) Eat Life.
2) Strip to my skivvies.
3) Turn around a few times, end up facing my wall, away from my mirror. ALWAYS.
4) Set my alarm.
5) Hold my teddy bear, Pippin.
6) Pray.

5 people who mean a lot: (no order)

1) Kathy Abel.
2) Mom.
3) BioDad.
4) Sadie.
5) The Doc.

4 things you don’t like:
1) SHARING PEOPLE I LOVE.
2) Meat.
3) Letting people too c
4) When people ignore me.

3 things you like:
1) Supernatural.
2) Taking pictures.
3) Capitalization.

2 things you want to do before you die:

1) Own a star.
2) Get married.

1 confession

1)

Hearts Are Often Broken By Words That Are Left Unspoken.

I fell in love with the way you wrote. How you took the time to say exactly what you meant instead of leaving everything to those inane moments when we’d meet in the street, making strange noises with our mouths in the hope that they’d somehow convey how we felt.
You and I were always better written down than standing up.

On this day, you read something that moved you and made you realize there were no more fears to fear. No tears to cry. No head to hang in shame. That every time you thought you’d offended someone, it was all just in your head and really, they love you with all their heart and nothing will ever change that. That everyone and everything lives on inside you. That that doesn’t make any of it any less real.


That soft touches will change you and stay with you longer than hard ones.


That being alone means you’re free. That old lovers miss you and new lovers want you and the one you’re with is the one you’re meant to be with. That the tingles running down your arms are angel feathers and they whisper in your ear, constantly, if you choose to hear them. That everything you want to happen, will happen, if you decide you want it enough. That every time you think a sad thought, you can think a happy one instead.


That you control that completely.


That the people who make you laugh are more beautiful than beautiful people. That you laugh more than you cry. That crying is good for you. That the people you hate wish you would stop and you do too.


That your friends are reflections of the best parts of you. That you are more than the sum total of the things you know and how you react to them. That dancing is sometimes more important than listening to the music.


That the most embarrassing, awkward moments of your life are only remembered by you and no one else. That no one judges you when you walk into a room and all they really want to know, is if you’re judging them. That what you make and what you do with your time is more important than you’ll ever fathom and should be treated as such. That the difference between a job and art is passion. That neither defines who you are. That talking to strangers is how you make friends.


That bad days end but a smile can go around the world. That life contradicts itself, constantly. That that’s why it’s worth living.


That the difference between pain and love is time. That love is only as real as you want it to be. That if you feel good, you look good but it doesn’t always work the other way around.


That the sun will rise each day and it’s up to you each day if you match it. That nothing matters up until this point. That what you decide now, in this moment, will change the future. Forever. That rain is beautiful.


And so are you.

I Want The Stars In My Eyes

Can life please return to some sentiment of normalcy, please?
Tomorrow is the first day of my new life. And it's gonna be a blast...
Play practice in the morning,
Hopefully hot tubbing with Miss Kali,
Then As It Is In Heaven with Alex!
I cannot wait. This weekend just threw me too much out of wack. I'm hoping that now things can settle back down. Maybe I shouldn't get my hopes up too much just yet... I'll say things will go back to normal after this weekend, after the show closes.
Or after Thanksgiving.
Or... When I graduate.
Something.
Anyways, here are some pearls from Denny's with the cast and fam:

Miss Leah, my new girlfriend. =]


Precious picture of Ponyboy... Love it!


By the way, John Winchester is my veteran.

My Significant Other. =]

So, I just want to tell you all a little bit about my new boyfriend... His name is Jensen.

You think I'm kidding?
Well. I'm not.
I truly don't think I'll date another boy until it's this one. I don't care if he's 30... I've seen worse!
[Shut up, Ben... I'm not talking Supernatural. I'm talking about my beautiful boyfriend.]

But I for real can't wait to post all the pictures Miss Amy took of our play! There were some handy dandy ones. Especially some cute ones of me and my girlfriend, Leah. She's keeping me company until I'm legal for Jensen.
I love that girl!

Miniature Disasters And Minor Catastrophes.

The Show Must Go On.
In spite of illness, building the sets during the first few scenes, and skipping entire SCENES. [I'm bitter at you, Orrin.] And it did. When they said I survived it, they meant barely.
But second night went much better. [Pssst! It's because I tucked packets of salt in everyone's costumes... Warded off the bad spirits!] But it did go much better. I even started feeling better! Whoo. =]

So, today should be even better! I hope.
I don't really have much else to say... My life these days is the play and Supernatural. And you won't let me blog about that, so My life these days is the play. Which is... Meh. But truly, I can't wait for it to be over. The cast party is where the real pay off comes. =]
I was supposed to be at rehersal 40 minutes ago, but I have an excuse, truly I do.
My little brother fell and might have gotten a concussion last night, so my parents were up with him for forever, and they're just waking up now. So I'll probably be heading in in a moment or two.

I wish I had something deep or philosophical to write, but really? I'm just bored these days. Chronically bored. If it wasn't for Alex being such a complete sweetie [<3] and Ms. Abel keeping me above water with the Winchester boys, I'd probably be in a straightjacket by now.

Three Is A Magic Number... Tag! You're It!

What are the last three things you purchased?
My Halloween Costume [black wig, fangs].
Lunch.
Movie ticket: Nick and Nora's.

What are the last three songs you downloaded?
Carry On My Wayward Son, Kansas
The Ballad of Jared and Jensen
Love And Some Verses, Iron and Wine

What are the last three places you visited?
Washington, DC.
Phoenix.
Utah.

What are your three favorite movies?
Spaceballs.
Gone With The Wind.
Somewhere In Time.

What are your three favorite possessions?
My camera, however shoddy it might be.
Sam [my laptop]
And my journals. I've got ones since sixth grade that I can't bear to get rid of because I want to be able to look back.

What three things can you not live without?
Affection.
Books.
Candy.

What would be your three wishes?
To feel fulfilled, like I've done something really, really worth doing.
To find my passion.
To be loved.

What three things haven’t you done yet?
I've never gone 'partying'. I've always wanted to, but never a full out, dance club party.
I haven't gotten my driver's license yet. I know, I know, what the crap.
I haven't donated blood.

What are your three favorite dishes?
I love pasta. Alfredo is on my new list.
Fruit salad. Actually, fruit anything.
Broccoli. LOVE IT!

Which three celebrities would you most like to hang out with?
J cubed...
Jeffery Dean Morgan, Jensen Ackles, and Jared Padalecki.

Name three things that freak you out?
I HATE it when things jump out at me [As Alex can attest to.]
Don't like dropping... Roller coasters are totally out for me.
Definitely not a fan of confrontation. I'd rather let things quietly simmer away than talk it out.

Name three unusual things you are good at.
I can make people feel really good about themselves, by complimenting them to death, or being really gracious.
I can make really good vegetarian chili.
I have one of the best memories of anyone I've ever met.

Which three things are you coveting?
A new digital camera
Long, curly hair
More confidence.

Tag three bloggers to do it!
Ms. Abel.
Miss Tara.
Alex Dax.

Things That Make Me Happy.

1.
Rainy Days.

2.
Sleep.

3.
Pictures.

4.
Flowers. =]

5.
Hugging.

6.
Being On Stage.

7.
Fun Dip.

8.
Attention.

9.
Blogging.

10.
Laughing.

11.
Playgrounds.

12.
Red Hair.

Day!

Today was basically bomb. =]
It didn't really feel like Halloween, actually... [Well, it isn't now, but it was about half an hour ago. I digress.] Just like a really cool day. Ms. Abel and I started on season one of Supernatural [!!!] and that pretty much takes up over half my day. What I don't spend watching it, I spend thinking about or singing "The Sammy Song" [see squeegirls.blogspot.com, the reason why all three of you can bear to read my blog anymore. lol] Then *gasp* play practice didn't completely SUCK! Shay brought Alex, Nice Heather, Chelsea and a couple of other friends from the college, and it made a WORLD of difference. Mostly because Alex said "I'm not here to put up with your crap, I'm here to help." Everyone shaped up so fast I didn't think it was possible. I was so pleased!
Then I somehow let that crazy kid talk me into going to the haunted corn maze with the college kids. Was I scared? Actually, I wouldn't know. I spent the entire twenty minutes with Alex basically draping over me and my face shoved in his jacket. So I don't really know how scary it is... I just heard everyone else screaming and so I'm assuming it was terrified. I think one of the creepy little girls tried to steal my shoes! [My favorites; the purple ballet flats!] They kept coming off, and I was almost too terrified to look back... But I wasn't about to let some girl who only even comes around once a year get her greedy little decomposing hands on MY shoes!
Long story short, we were all totally flipped out, and it was... Fun. Afterwards was a BLAST, though! I loved hanging out with the college kids... Alex, Chelsea, Adrian, Nick, Heather, Kayla, all of them. It was kinda like a breath of fresh air. I could have conversations with people, or even just listen to conversations with people who I felt were on the same level I am. No offense, friends, but truly. It's a whole different experience when you're with people who are around your same age, who think the same way you do. I can't remember the last time I laughed that much.
I feel... Revived. Restored. Flirted with. lol.



"Aerodynamically, the bumblebee shouldn’t be able to fly. But the bumblebee doesn’t know this, so it goes on flying anyway. "

Breathe Out, So I Can Breathe You In...

I'm waiting here for you, everlong.
So, probably I should be at practice instead of sitting in Ms. Abel's room watching them play Gutiar Hero: World Tour and squeeing over those silly Winchester brothers.
But lately there's just nothing there for me. I hang out with Karadoll, and have Mr. Willard yell at me. And pick fights with Levi. Nothing personal, but it's kinda not worth it.
But I promised Ben no more Supernatural, so...
I'm so bored. With life, with me, with... Everything.
All my family is gone, and all I really do is go to play practice and watch Supernatural. If I didn't have Ms. Abel, can I just tell you how messed my life would be right now?
Okay, I guess this blog is turning into a "Guess How Much I Love My Acadec Coach?" but I couldn't care less. This lady is fraking awesome. I'm pretty sure she's my more sane half.
Since I'm not allowed to blog about Supernatural, and I'm sick and tired of rehersal, let's talk about...

Better Days.

I was talking to Bledsoe today about the algebra class I was taking this summer, and I realized: That was pretty much the best few months of my life. I had everything I could possibly want, and then some. So maybe, all that was a build up. Like, a gift... A consolation prize of sorts?

Why I Hate The Term "BFF"

If you told me I would have to pick one of these people and lose the rest in my life, I would probably blow my brains out.
"Best" friend implies that there's someone in your life that is more important than everyone else, someone who you would sacrifice everyone else in your life for, no questions asked. Well, sorry kids, but I can't deal with that.
Best friend is to desperately over used. Every friend you have HAS to be your BEST friend, or they're not worth being friends at all.
Maybe I'm just bitter about this term, since every relationship I've had lately worth having has been branded with it and then trashed by it. Some of them I've been lucky enough to recover, but seriously? "Sorry, so-and-so is my best friend, we're leaving you out." "Oh, you're definitely the best friend. Sorry I can't offer more, but that's a great role to say you have, right?"
It's trash. And for me to say "Miss, you are my BEST friend, and I will put you before everyone else in my life"... I'd just be lying. I honestly can't say there's a single person in my life that I would put before every other living person. Except possibly:



I kid.
But truly, I hate the very connotation that phrase has anymore. I hate that people think every single friend you have has to be your 'best friend'. I hate that if someone thinks they're not someone else's 'best friend' that the other person doesn't love them.
Sorry kids, and I know this is dumb coming from me, but grow up.
It doesn't matter if they say they're your best friend or not, they're all going to just leave you in the end anyways.

Candle In The Wind.

• It's all make believe, isn't it?
• I don't want to make money. I just want to be wonderful.
• Creativity has got to start with humanity and when you're a human being, you feel, you suffer.
• Acting isn't something you do. Instead of doing it, it occurs. If you're going to start with logic, you might as well give up. You can have conscious preparation, but you have unconscious results.
• If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question I've got to follow it through. What am I supposed to do - look intelligent?
• Shelley Winters: If she'd been dumber, she'd have been happier.
• About Marilyn Monroe, by her ex-husband, Arthur Miller: To have survived, she would have had to be either more cynical or even further from reality than she was. Instead, she was a poet on a street corner trying to recite to a crowd pulling at her clothes.

I like her. I think I'd like to be more like her in some ways... Though probably not get it on with JFK.
JDM, sure. =D

In other news, this is my 100th blog! Whoo? I wonder if maybe this means it's time for me to do what I planned to: Print this silly thing out and bind it for generations to come. I want my daughters to realize that I went through good and bad times too. I love, love reading my mom's journal, and I think I'm more attentive [?] to this than my book journal. Though I do need to work on that, too.
This blog has seen a lot: At least two playlists, quite a few names, and endless complaints and triumphs. Almost eleven months, and still going strong.
I love you guys. =]
-Cass

Trade Your Passion for Glory...

Haylee and I are squee-ing now...
The joy will never, ever end. Not as long as that video stays uploaded and on my/Ms. Abel's blog.
WHY is he so cool???
Ms. Abel, this may turn the tide of the eternal battle [AKA Jared vs. Jensen] in Jensen's favor.

Emilee got baptized yesterday... It was really cool! Especially since a bunch of family came up for it... Grammy & Grandpa Farnsworth, Grandma & Grandpa Hastings, Nadia and Ben & Julie. Also, Karadoll came over and took a bunch of my clothes [it's all part of the downsizing] and then Haylee came to Em's baptism and came over to hang. We went to Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist [Hi, Benberly!] which actually was not half as good as the hype. It kinda bummed me out... I had such high hopes. =[
And I've decided I just need to jump back into that dating pool. I'm tired of sitting home at night and being bored. I've got a few different fellas in mind... Pity the next boy I bring into my wicked web. =D

Lackluster, Man.

Dear Ms. Abel:
I miss *you.
*See: Supernatural.

I found this picture of all three Winchester boys, and OH EM GEE, guys. I just want Jared to be my big brother, Jensen to be my crying buddy,and Jeffery to be my boyfriend. Also, life partner.

Practice yesterday really, really was bad. I went to practice in the BEST mood because I was in Ms. Abel's room watching my J Cubed, and I came to practice a little late. Naturally, I walked in right as we started the "pep talk". No lie, that was pretty much a whole lot of negative energy... And if that's coming from ME, you know it's a downer.
Then we all wrote down all the problems we had with the play 'anonymously' and Heather read them out loud. It's not like everyone doesn't already know which one I had:
We don't love each other. There's no bonding. All the faith in the play in the world won't do any good if we don't have faith in each other.
Other people wrote that we didn't pay attention,we don't care... Someone said it was all my fault.[I'm looking at you, Levi.] And Blake made a T-chart: My problem is, as par the course, Tucker. [When you figure out how to help that, Blake, you let me know.]
Mr. Willard went around and told us all what he liked about us to get the juju back up to something decent... Blake is focused, oZ is emotional, Marcia is a treat... And I have high moral standards. Coming from Mr. Willard is probably the most meaningful thing he could've said, but... I felt like I needed more, you know? Like, I've been in the drama program for all four years of my high school life, and I really feel like I've put my blood, sweat, and LOTS of tears into the plays I've been involved with, and all he could say was that I have high standards.
Anyways, it was kinda rough. But I LOVED that Shay and Kara were there... I think it was really good for me to hear that Shay, who's the only other person still around that has been around nearly as long as I have, and she saw the same problems with it that I do. I needed that.

Then practice was over, and Blake drove us all home... He took me to Mutual last, and just let me cry. I needed to let it all out [again] and I feel so much better since then. He just listened. As much as I love jumping on the Blake Bandwagon, it actually was really good for me. It was nice to not have someone say 'Suck it up, get over it' which is pretty much what I've been hearing since... Labor Day. So I really do feel better, about the play, about my sweetheart, and about... Life in general.

I miss Ms. Abel. And Supernatural. And writing letters.
Really I should be less self centered. I'm working on it... I'm going to start service projects, I decided. =]

This World Is Burning, And I'm Terrified...

Kudos to Ms. Abel for giving me this song on my break up CD that's come to be the soundtrack of my life.
I just found a scar on my knee... I've never even seen it before. I don't know why that wigs me out, but it does.
Also, I'm newly obsessed with Supernatural. Ohhh my sugar daddy:

Jeffery Dean Morgan, ladies and gentlemen... He's my ideal guy: Amazingly good looking, but not intimidating. I just want to sit and watch football with him [Yes, boys who've taken me to football games, I'd even learn about football for Jeffery. No, I would only fake it for you.] and then go camping. Alone, in the wilderness. For the rest of my life. lol.
Ahem. He is YUM. End of story. =]

I don't really know what else to say... I think I'm getting sick. I'm exhausted, and I have no appetite at all. For about two hours today, I DIDN'T WANT TACO BELL. I ate it once I went there, but it just wasn't the same. I'm so tired... I'll probably be going to sleep shortly after this.
I'm just ready for it all to be over. Maybe I'll just take a bus ride to the middle of nowhere and never come back.
I think I'll be okay once my sleep schedule evens out. And the play is over. And I can just LET GO of the past like I've been telling everyone I am.

I Know It In My Heart To Be True...

Also, these are my JAMS! This is my new Good Morning Mix. I dig it. ^.^

I'm Gonna Smile, Because I Deserve To!

Me 'n' The Bee.



I was so excited to see Rachelle at the Homecoming Game!




"We're been cool for, like, two whole days!" [The rest are probably going on the other blog, Baby.]



The Cherries:



So... Today was basically BOSS. I loved it! We had a pep assembly, and spending it with Heather and Jerem was awesome. Then I made my poster to answer Alec to homecoming during 3rd hour... I should've taken a picture! This is the gist:

Hey there [Hubba Bubba Bubble Gum},
It was better than a [Payday Candy Bar] when you asked me to homecoming! I did [Pretzel Flips]! I wouldn't trade a date with you for [100 Grand Candy Bar]. YES, I would love to [Mabma Candy Bar] the night away with you at homecoming! <3, [Sugar Babies]

That was fun. =]
Then in 4th hour, I learned the Virgina Reel with Jacob [who, I found out tonight, has a girlfriend. Oh well, flirting isn't illegal! THANK HEAVENS.] That was totally awesome! We just have so much fun together. Plus we were both wearing white and green striped shirts, so we decided it was destiny. I don't even know. =D
Then rehearsal wasn't so bad... Even though Mr. Willard, Levi and I got in a huge fight over Romeo and Juliet. It was weird... I don't know if I've ever had someone yell AT me like Levi did. We got up in each other's faces [in a not even close to sexy way] but at the same time it was kinda releasing. Then Heather and I just hung out the whole time. I'm glad we're friends again! We kinda needed a break, so we took it, and now we're good. Tehe. =]
Heather came over to my house after practice, and we got ready. [See, blasted music and put on darling clothes.] That was fun; Nadia decided to help us get dressed, and that turned out REALLY well! We were headed to... *drumroll please...*
The homecoming game!
Which was awesome. Even though I think we lost. I saw Rachelle, which was awesome. And I just loved hanging out. There were actually friends there this time, and that really made me happy. I hung out with Shay, Kara, Heather, Rachelle... Everyone! I even ran into some of my old friends who graduated... Larry King! And Shelby Kay! That was really neat.
And I met Taylor's incredibly hot brother, Brenton... We're "Best Friends" now. I love it! We had a total flirt fest. If I remember correctly, that's exactly what the doctor prescribed. ^.^
I love having Nadia up here visiting. It's so fun! Plus she has some really cool thoughts... Thoughts I think I should hear more often.
And tomorrow is the dance!
I'm way psyched. =D