Holding Out For A Hero

Psh... In my dreams. But i've decided to be far too picky... I refuse to settle. My 'the boy' is gonna have to be one special fella, and until I find him... Well, I'm okay with being 'the boy' less. :D
I said that to Sarah Love, a few days back. And I hold to it.


.

Honestly, we joke about it, well... I joke about it. About how there never seem to be any good guys out there, or how "you always seem to have guys pop up out of nowhere." "Yeah, but none of them seem to stick." "The problem isn't you, it's the entire male population."

Maybe, just maybe, it's not a problem. I have spent the last, oh, five years, compulsively in a relationship. if I didn't have a boyfriend, or at least someone I liked, I felt like I was a failure. I've always been desperately romantic... Definitely to a fault.

For the first time in my LIFE, I am on my own. And I'm realizing, it's not all that bad. Not even close, in fact. I'm happy, I am complete. I'm the normal one for once, the one that people ask advice from. [Well, more often than not I shove it down their throats, not so much them asking for it] But I am happy.

I realize now that I've spent my whole life settling. I have been content.
THIS. IS. WRONG.
I'm not saying the boys I've liked have been mediocre, in fact, I think I've had some pretty great boys in my life. But there was always- or almost always- a 'but...' Obviously all was not well in paradise, because we've ended things for one reason or another. I pride myself on the fact that I've never back slid, every boy has been more compatible with me than the last, and that I have always walked away saying I learned something. I appreciate this.

I am now at a rather strange- well, strange for me- point in my life. I am happy... by myself. I'm strong, independent, and uncomplicated. I look back at the times in my life when I have felt the opposite of this, and it's always when I let another person have control over my moods, feelings, anything. I wonder why I ever put myself in that position..
Until a cute boy winks at me, of course.

And sure, sometimes I get lonely. I see couples together, and it hurts my heart to know that there's a 2% chance that I will be like that again in high school. But then I see other things... I see people hurting each other, stabbing them in wounds just to see how loud they will scream, and then people just drifting apart, growing up and leaving each other behind. These sometimes hurt the most, the unintentional hurts.

Don't think this makes me a crazy cynic who doesn't believe in happiness.. Far from it, in fact. I now believe in it more fully than before. I believe, wholeheartedly, that real love transends high school. Sure, you can find it here, but honestly? Of the three couples that I was dead sure I would be getting wedding announcements from? Not one of the three have made it through this year.

So this is it.
I am going to be happy, be free, be myself.
I'm not going to change just because I think it will make some random guy like me, because seriously?
If he doesn't fall head over heels for me the way I am, it is NOT my loss.

And I'm not going to waste my time sitting around waiting for a hero. There isn't much of a call for damsels in distress lately. I've got to be the kind of person who will attract the kind of person I want. It's a process, don'tcha know? :]

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day...

That somehow ended up going so right. :]

School was somewhat awful... Srsly, I don't know when it was announced behind my back that all of the sudden everyone would be totally dumb today-
Oh, that's right.
The minute they announced that RETARDED abomination of a theatrical production would go on.
That's gonna put me in a real dandy mood.
But obviously, the entire dang drama department made it abundantly clear that if you're not currently involved, you should have no say whatsoever, no matter how much experience or how good of ideas you have.
But that's the bitter old hag in me digressing...
Aside from that, my chemistry class just plain sucks. Also, the new lunch crew... Where did they come from? Remember when it used to be the cool kids were in Ms. Abel's? The freakin good old times! ;]



I was tardy [by thirty seconds!!] to Photo third hour, so Tea and I just ditched [shhh... Don't tell!] and went shopping and spilling our guts in a car wash. I've decided those are the coolest places on Earth, by the way... I want to make out in one!
Photo, Fredley's, mostly uneventful...
Except for a really good talk with Shay. She gave me this jewel of a piece of advice:

Let it in.
Let it stay.
Let it go.

It's amazing, no? Deep, in a way that you could completely overlook if you tried hard enough. They are simple words, but words to be pondered in a moment of turmoil, or hurt, or simply sitting and breathing.

Also, here's another quote from Lamb that I would very much like to incorporate in my life:

When you sit, sit.
When you breathe, breathe.
When you work, work.
When you play, play.

Thoughts, anyone?


Anyways, after a completely despondent day, Ben and I went on an AWESOME adventure, that included- but was not limited to- breaking into [kind of] a one room schoolhouse from 1900, splashing in puddles [albeit in a car], finding a Polaroid camera, NOT driving when the road is flooded, and tailgating [right word?] Ms. Abel, and Mrs. Lewis.
All around, charming.

Then my darling little Lillith bought me an Icee! As if the day needed to get better, let's pump sugar into me and then send me to Ms. Abel's to...

WATCH SUPERNATURAL!
Ugh. It was NOT, in fact, the Trickster.
It was a lame filler, and we are not pleased, precious.
But I loved hanging out with my beffie... Who wouldn't?

Anyways... It was a day that was made good.
I would like to get better at making good on my own, ya know? Perception is 90% of life.
Or, as an old man far wiser than me says,
"There is nothing good or bad, only thinking makes it so."

She was a smart girl, until she fell in love.

Let's pretend we're artists and everything we feel is something new to be proud of. Let's take our imaginary friends on a double date and ditch them in a movie and hope they get along while we kiss outside on the sidewalk. Let's take the dreams you mumbled in your sleep and paint a child's nursery. And if we don't finish today, we've always got tomorrow.

I'm pretty sure I don't have much to say... Except that I graduate one month from today. CANNOT FREAKING WAIT. I am so ready to be out of this high schol, away from all the freaking drama, and get into good. I need some good. While I like being the stable one for once-- hey, it's a new experience, being the go-to because I'm not buckets of crazy-- but I miss being part of something. I know it's dumb to want to be in a relationship the last, what, four weeks of high school, but...




And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.
-Sylvia Plath

I’m lost and looking for the sky, for moving parts and a place that doesn’t rust. For wheels that burn and a world that turns. For a road that phantom cars still drive down while lovers long lost feel wind that’s blown too long in silver hair. You are the only map I know.


This is what scares me:


I'm scared of losing my nerve, of wanting to stay. Of letting my reasons to stay keep me from my reasons to leave:


Stay:
Ms. Abel.
Family.
Scared.
Stability.
Mom.
Friends.


Leave:
Get out of here, and never have to come back.

Doodle.

If it weren't for your maturity none of this would have happened, if you weren't so wise beyond your years I would've been able to control myself.
If it weren't for my attention you wouldn't have been successful and if it weren't for me you would never have amounted to very much
Ooh this could be messy, but you don't seem to mind.
Don't go telling everybody, and overlook this supposed crime
We'll fast forward to a few years later, and no one knows except the both of us.
And I have honored your request for silence, and you've washed your hands clean of this.

Just make sure you don't tell on me especially to members of your family
We best keep this to ourselves and not tell any members of our inner posse
I wish I could tell the world cause you're such a pretty thing when you're done up properly... I might want to marry you one day if you watch that weight and keep your firm body.

Alanis Morissette, where have you been all my life?

This Is A Twice In A Lifetime Experience!

Prom=Awesome!
Day Date=Awesome!
In the reverse order, of course.

Jeremy came and picked me up at 8:15 [@%$#$^$#] luckily I woke up fifteen minutes earlier, and was good to go. We met everyone else at Daniel's house- Daniel and Laney, Jeff and Jessica, and Victoria, whose date would show up later- and went to Denny's. Unfortunately, I didn't think to pull a Tennessean accent this time, like I did last year for prom. But I did eat Pancake Puppies, which were pretty much DELICIOUS. Then we were off to a picture scavenger hunt in Walmart! Jeremy, Victoria and I basically ROCKED it... Pictures up as soon as I get them.
After that we headed over to Jeff's house to watch Pirates of the Carribean and eat Top Ramen. Then on to the SECRET ADVENTURE....
A POTC Van war!
Let me explain: Two groups [Jeremy, me, Victoria, and Jacob] were in one minivan, and Daniel, Laney, Jeff and Jessica were in the other. We each had one sliding door open, and through that door we launched water balloons at each other with water balloon launchers. Our van was the Black Pearl, and we CONQUERED. :D
Then off to get ready... After NPC kinda ruined my hair, my poor darling mother had to do it and redo it like five times before I was satisfied... That woman. I don't know many others who could put up with me as much as she does.
So around 6:30 Jeremy came over, I was all spiffed up, and we headed for dinner. Lacanos was pretty fun...
"I really like Mediterranean food."
"Oh yeah? Like what?"
"Ya know, like pita, hummus, falafel..."
"I'd bet it would be better if it was falawesome."
And I just loved our group. We were so much fun!

The dance its self was actually WAY cooler than I thought. I was like... Pool? Count me out. But it looked so cool! Fog machines, and floating lights, and sooo many twinkle lights that didn't twinkle!

We jammed the WHOLE TIME! My poor date... I'm such a floater. We'd be dancing, everything chill, then a song would come on and I'd run over to Tea, or Jess, and leave him standing. With warning, of course, but hey. I've gotta jam to 'Right Round' with my gurrrl... and the whole song we were missing you, Karadoll! We danced with an empty space and pretended it was you, beautiful. :]
Oh, and get this: My parents totally showed up! How awesome was that??? I know, I'm a total dork... But I was so excited! I made them say hello to everyone, and all the girls showed off their dresses.
After the dance, we headed to Denny's, and while we were waiting for drinks, the adrenaline rush totally wore off and we were DEAD. We were there with our group, then Tea's group. They got a cake, and we got tired even looking at them lift their forks.
It was a good tired, though, until I started mouthing off... I'm pretty sure someone spiked my Razzdango, because one minute we were all laughing, and the next thing I know, i'm waxing philosophical about how sleep is just a habit, and how we aren't physically strenuous enough anymore to really need sleep. Luckily, I think everyone just kinda ignored me. :D
Got home at nearly one, and all in all... Good dance. Good day. Good friends.

To Every Boy I've Ever Loved.

But it's SO true.
They have all, every one of them, contributed to making me the person I am. Either by introducing me to new viewpoints, or teaching me something about the world, or people around me, or even just by being a bounceboard for some of my craziness, every boy has helped shape me.
And what's more, by leaving me behind, they've let me rest more on myself. They've made me stronger, by teaching me that, in the end, I have to be myself. I cannot create and recreate myself based on what one person thinks I should be. I can learn what they have to teach me, but at the end of the day, I am the one who will live with my and the person I am becoming.
And I hope to love myself every step of the way.
:]

Leave At Your Own Chosen Speed.

I'm not the one you want, babe, you're not the one I need.
Pretty much I love this song. It's very much... Me. And it's so cool... I'm teaching my little sisters all about the 'good stuff' of life. They've gotten a taste of Ray Charles, Johnny Cash, and Cake so far. Anyone have suggestions?

Also, Benny, do you still have my New Found Glory CD that this is on? I can't find it.


I might not be at school tomorrow. Mom's got to get a root canal, and I'm gonna have to drive her down... If I'm lucky. :D

Prom is on Saturday... SO EXCITED!

Also, I'm addicted again.....

Hello Lolla

"You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book, or you take a trip, and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness. The second symptom (when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure. That is all. It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death. Millions live like this (or die like this) without knowing it. They work in offices. They drive a car. They picnic with their families. They raise children. and then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song, and it awakens them and saves them from death.”

Here I go, blog stalking again... hellololla.com has some of the most beautiful photographs and quotes, and I just love it.

It's raining here in the valley of the sundress and low rise jeans, and I love it.
But something in me is craving summer...




This summer is going to be especially MADE OF AWESOME.
Because....



And





With a dash of






As if there were words.

Mews!!

1. I'm going to prom! Yays!! I'm going with Jeremy Webb, which should be fun, and in a group with Daniel and Laney [oh, the irony gods...] and Victoria and Jacob Hofeling. It should be awesome. Also, I'm wearing my midnight blue and silver dress... I think it's better that way.


2. SIX MORE WEEKS!!! Five, if you don't count senior trip [which I won't.] So FIVE MORE WEEKS!! But who's counting?

3. I got a new notebook! I filled up my blue one, and the new one is bright green. LOVE!

4. I was called as the Laurel Class President last week... Whoo. But I'm gonna learn to love them if it's the last thing I do.

5. My life is pretty boring... Hence the lack of blogging. I go to school, I go home, I usually hang out with Teannasaurus and Ms. Abel, I develop stupid schoolgirl crushes on people I really shouldn't, I seem to be constantly coming up with talks and insights for church and seminary.

6.I wish you would step back off that ledge, my friend. Stupid codependency flaring up... I just want to save everyone. It sucks. You'd think I would've learned something from Lamb. [LOVED!]

7. Also, this is probably one of my new favorite songs... thanks, Hair!
You belong among the wildflowers, you belong in a boat out at sea, sail away kill off the hours, you belong somewhere you feel free

Be Careful What You Wish For...

Because you just might get it.


Stupid gosh darn Pussycat Dolls got that song stuck in my head, and it won't get out.

Ms. Abel Told Me There Would Be Days Like This...
I just kept thinking it while I sat and listened to sad songs last night... I never thought I'd break out my Dixie Chicks CD again, but... Oops. I didn't just admit that.
But seriously, last night was one of those days that you just want to crawl under the covers and NEVER. COME. OUT.

I'm better now... And I've started waking up early. Weird, huh? But I go to sleep around eight, and I wake up at five, and get to sit and light candles and listen to Julie London [Dax, I adore you for hooking me up] and meditate.
Doesn't get much better than that.

But all in all, I'm going to be much more careful about my wishing from now on...

Hell is having everything you ever wanted.