I Need You, Baby...

If I was happy at all today, it was because of this. Alex, I love you forever for reintroducing me to this song.


I need to get out of this... Thing that's tearing me apart. Everywhere I turn, I see reasons to be grateful and even more reassurances of how incredibly blessed I am.
I hate that I'm the kind of person who can have the world at her feet and still hurt people around her.
Guys, I'm sorry that you have to put up with the person I am. You've all been nothing but supportive and I don't deserve you at all.

Leavin on A Jet Plane...

To Washington, DC, to learn how to be a good little Republican.

But I started working yesterday... It was *chill.
*See dead boring.

But I'm on this hiphop streak right now... I listened to Black Eyed Peas and Outkast like nonstop yesterday.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPb2ZuvQxcA&feature=related


Evil League of Evil... You did something today I didn't realize I could do anymore:
Have conversations worth having... With someone other than Tucker.
[Sorry guys.]
But seriously! Guys, when we started talking about national pride/global unity, I felt like I was a part of something. I felt this part of me that's been crumbling away inside me? It felt a sliver of light, of hope.
Too bad that moment of absolute serenity was completely crushed after about five minutes.

I'm leaving.
And I might not be back until after Christmas.

KaBoom.

Well, I made it.
For all the good it did me... Not much changed. I think I made it harder by making a conscious effort to stay off... As soon as I wasn't thinking about it, I didn't care.
And, believe it or not, the lack of internet has nothing to do with my recent 'Ka-Boom'-ness.
I don't know what my problem is, honestly. All I know is that I'm sick of it. I'm alienating people because I'm upset with them for no reason. I guess I should get that out now... I'm not mad at you. No matter what I say to you, it's not your fault. I'm mad at me, and I don't know why, so I'll just take it out on you. Yeah, all three of you who care.
Nevermind. It's stupid to try to explain myself about something that I don't even get, let alone anyone else. So whatever. I guess point is, I made it the week. Congrats to me. I'll pull out of the funk when I feel like it.
-Cass

Let It Out or Let It Go.

I'm Cherry Valance. And I want to give this role my absolute all. If I don't, I'll be the ultimate grouchy hypocrite.
So I've got to get this out here and now, and then drop it. Tucker, Ben, Shay, I know you've heard it all before, but I'm hoping once I type it out, it'll purge my system. So bear with me.
I had my dream role in my hands. I was so exceptionally excited about it, nothing could've brought me down... Except for my own failings. I'm always afraid that there was something I could've done differently, I could've changed the outcome if I had only spoken my mind, pushed myself harder, anything. I guess I do blame myself. I had a negative attitude during Romeo & Juliet, particularly towards some of the members of the cast.
But that's neither here nor there. Fact is, the play didn't finish. And that... Well, it wasn't a pleasant experience for anyone involved, and maybe I'm just being selfish, but being a lead, it was even worse for me. I felt like I put a lot into it, I'm not going to say more than anyone else, but certainly more than some. I definitely don't think it was any one person's fault, or call what happened. But it did, and ever since then, I've been so afraid to jump back in. It's not because I think another one will get canceled; It won't be. But I'll be afraid I won't be able to save it again. That I'll mess it up.

[Hello, my name is Ms. Codependent.]

But I made a choice. I jumped into The Outsiders at the last minute, and I have to let go of my mistakes and my fears. It wouldn't be fair to Heather, Karadoll, or anyone else to go in with preconceived notions or fears.
I have to let myself go again. Let myself fall into something that I want. Badly.

I need to step out of the shadow of Juliet.

Okay. I think I'm done now... I hope I'm done now.

My Challenge... Please Let Me Know?

I'm writing my Academic Decathalon speech on now the Internet and social networking sites have kind of destroyed the social skills of today's youth. I don't know very many people who would rather talk face to face than IM or text, and my speech is on how that is deteriorating our culture, our interpersonal skills.

So my challenge for myself is to not get on any Internet starting Monday, September 15th until... Oh, probably Sunday, the 21st. I want to see how it affects my life, if at all, and document in what ways. No email, no Myspace, no Facebook, no blogging. I think I can do it. =]

If anyone else is interested in joining me, I'd love to see how it affects people with different social structures.

Or if you'd even just like to give me your opinion on the topic I'd appreciate it... I want to get a full view point here.

Thanks a bunch! Talk to you next Monday!
-Cass

Me.

Who am I? What defines me?
Is it the style of clothes I wear? Is it the music I like? Is it the people I associate myself with, or even the religion I belong to?
No.
If I were to listen to different music, or move away or even God forbid, lose someone I love, would it so deeply alter the very essence of my being? If my laptop were taken away, or I were to change my clothes, would the person who I am completely disappear?
No.
My self, my soul, is not the people I like, or the music I listen to, or the background on my blog. It's not in the language I use, or the pictures I take. I use these things to relate what is inside of me, but truth be told, there is not a single material thing that, were I to lose it completely, would shatter me beyond repair. If my music disappeared, if Ms. Abel flipped over my childish problems and never wanted to speak to me again, if the religion i affiliate myself with were to dissolve, I would be affected, most definitely. But I would not break. I would not be lost to humanity. Obviously, I would have to recover, and it would be a painful process. But would I cease to exist?
No.
Because what I am, what makes me me, isn't something I can hold in my hands, or post in a blog. It can't be captured in a picture, because pictures burn. It isn't a gift I can give, because who could do anything with it but me?
My identity cannot be removed with time, or hardships. It will be amended, it will absorb the shocks of tragedy and triumphs that happen in life. But it will not be taken away. No matter how many people try to drag me down, no matter how hard things may get, no matter what color my hair is... The forms of expression may, and will, change. But the feeling will stay the same.
Philip Pullman called it your daemon. And maybe in another parallel universe you can see it, see the shape that a person's spirit takes. But for us in this world, it's not so easy. You can look at what parts of themselves people choose to show you, and most of the time they won't even realize they're doing it. People's posture, their mannerisms, their way of addressing others... Those are all indicators of what about themselves they like or dislike by reflecting their opinion of themselves through their reactions to others.
Point being, I Am Me. I don't know if I can honestly say I know everything about this center, this safeharbor within myself. But what I do know that my knowing it's there, by feeling like I do have an inner strength, it makes me look at the world around me much differently. What should I allow to touch this part of me? This element that is so precious, so powerful that most people are afraid to access it and simply follow the lead of others stronger and more intune with themselves, what should I allow to penetrate it? What problems, what dramas are so important I should let myself be bothered with it? Of course there is always a section of my mind, my heart, that deals with daily problems. But of the big ones, which are big enough to let them alter my very self? Which people that I know, that I care about, will be around long enough that I should let them in to this part of me? And why should I hope to be allowed to be a part of that which they, whether they realize it or not, should hold the closest to themselves? It doesn't mean they don't love me, it just is a rational realization that I can provide no proof that I'll be around long enough to appreciate this trust, or ever offer it back.
However, for those that I have or will let in, that's a trust that I don't even know is warranted, sought out, or even given willingly. Some people become part of your lives, become deep influences, without even intending it. This is my best argument for a higher power... When you are led, or people are led to you that will deeply alter the course of your life, without any kind of forewarning or reasoning that we can see.
For you, I suppose all I can say is thank you for allowing me to grow through our experiences, and for allowing me to make you a part of me that will last as long as I do.

Introducing...

Miss Cherry Valance!!!
I got the part in The Outsiders... cool.
I'm double cast with my doll, Kara... double cool.
My person, Benny, is Ponyboy... triple cool.
It's being directed by my angel, Heather... quadriple cherry ice cream cool.


Even better, now I have something to distract myself with! Around the time the play will be over, my werewolf will be coming back... [Okay, bad Twilight reference... But I. Don't. Care.]

I really need to say sorry to everyone...
I've seriously been such a pita lately. It's not anyone's fault but my own, but I insist on taking it out on people. [I'm looking at you, Karadoll and Ms. Abel]
But now things will be SO much better.

And Shay and I are totally friends now!! And we have a pretty BA notebook... I'm so excited to be getting back in the swing of things.

Ha! So It's Not Just Me...

Lately [meaning today] I've read some blogs, talked to some people... And I think there's an epidemic going around:
Dissatisfaction with a completely happy, acceptable life.
When you can't put your finger on what hurts, can't point it out to anyone else, but you know without a doubt it's there.
Everyone else just thinks, 'sheesh, what on earth could she have to complain about?' But it's there.

In the secret heart is hidden sorrows that the eyes can't see.


But this now begs the question, one that I wouldn't have asked until this last Saturday, when I had the chance to hang out with someone who lives this as their motto:
Why stress over something that you can't even name, let alone have control over?

So that's where I am now, I guess... Sure, I'm slightly dissatisfied. But what am I upset about?
-Losing a friend when I really think I didn't do anything wrong,
-Having my someone move light years [or just 300 miles] away,
-Growing up.

Well, first off, if I didn't do anything wrong [and I maintain I didn't]then it's out of my hands. I can only give so much... throwing money into a well, as I've recently heard it put.
Secondly, he's gone. He moved. Me sitting around moping isn't going to bring him back, it's just going to make me into a person I don't want to be, and he doesn't want me to be.
Thirdly, uh. If someone has a time machine, let me know. Other than that... It's out of my control.
And as for that unnamed aching that doesn't go away as easily as I'd like, it's only there if I say it can be there.
So meh.

I'm glad Ms. Abel is back!!
And will you people PLEASE start blogging? I'm getting bored only reading my own stuff. =]

I can't say I was never wrong, but some blame rests on you...

What I've learned in the last couple of weeks:

-Friends can come into your lives at any point, and chances are they're not who you'd expect.
-Be nice to cultural trends; they can get you places.
-Never pass up an opportunity to talk to people older [and cooler] than you. You'd be surprised what you learn and what old movies are... well, entertaining.
-Ask for a distraction, and you'll get it. And then some.
-Be open. Just because you think you've got your entire plan mapped out doesn't mean something better couldn't come along. You've got to be open to changes.
-Of COURSE there are speed bumps when it comes to something important. But don't make a mountain of them; deal, then keep going.
-Just because someone says
-Sometimes it's three times the charm. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes it doesn't matter if it's charmed or not.
-DRINK. MORE. WATER.
-Chances are, there is someone out there that knows more than you do about what you think you know the most about.
-Don't be so quick to judge people; they have hurts that you may never, ever know about.
-Whether the choice is right or wrong, the important thing is that you can look back and say with a certainty why you did it, and be satisfied with that reason.
-Some people just drop out of your life, whether you want them to or not. You aren't necessarily better off without them.
-Lifetime contract is a negotiable term?

this place makes me an animal; i will not die here

ugh.
Can I just vent for a minute about how much I HATE acadec? I seriously do. May I'm just a lonely, bitter old hag, maybe I'm too conservitave for my own good... But I'm sick of all these new kids. Acadec has always had a flow, if you will, and now? It's gone. I'm sick of things not being the way they're supposed to be! And with Ms. Abel gone, I actually have to, ya know, participate. *shudders* It reminded me why I bury myself in a facade of stupid blonde and clulessness, because as soon as I start to let myself go, let my intelligence and self shine, I fall on my face. Rather, the expectations I have fall on their faces.
Is it so wrong to expect people to behave civilly? If so, please let me know now... I'm sick of expecting people to be one way, and finding out they're very much different people.

I hate that I'm lonely.