Everything I Do Is Laced With Your Color.

The Happy version of Twenty Things... Thanks Ms. Abel for the Motivation!

1. I am tearing up just thinking about you. Do you have any idea where I'd be if you hadn't been around the past three years? Dead is where I'd be. Or at the very least in an abusive relationship. I seriously want to keep you all to myself and never even let anyone else around, just so I won't ever have the chance to lose you. Bad mental process, I know, and anyone else in the world would freak out over it. But you get it. You know all my dark, dirty secrets, and I don't even care. You light up my life. I wake up in the morning excited to see what new amazing things you have to share with me. If I ever lose you, sepeku will inevitably follow.

2. You are absloutely beautiful. And to make it worse, you're one of the sweetest, most genuine people I've ever known. I am so proud to call you one of my nearest and dearest. I hope nothing will ever pull us apart.

3. Words cannot express how much you've come to mean to me. I know I'm never going to be one of your 'can't-live-without's, and you are one of the few people that I realize that and don't care. Every time you open your mouth, I know I'm going to hear something that skews my perception of the world around me. I am so blessed to have you around. Love you, man. I hope to always have you in my life.

4. You are the sweetest, dearest, most fascinating person I have ever met in my life. Every time I think about you I'm just mesmerized [which is quite often, actually.] and the best part is that you feel the same way about me. If anyone could've pulled me of the the zombie phase, it would have to be you. I'm so grateful every day that I have you in my life. And I do love you. Maybe not in the same way yet, but don't doubt that I do.

5. I seriously do not know where you have been all my life! I have never felt so close to someone I met so recently. I see in you so much that I want to emulate, your attitude, your inner strength, your beauty and you pure heart. You deserve the very, very best, and I know you'll get it. I hope that we can always be friends!

6. You're not around anymore, and I get that. I don't regret it. But I would be stupid to try to act like you haven't had any impact on me. For years now, you've had a spot so very dear to my heart. You could always lift me up, no matter what it was dragging me down. You helped me grow in so many ways, and a part of me will always miss your explosions of happiness. I don't think things would work out even if you did want me back, but it doesn't matter anymore. Love you in lightyears. Still.

7. You have taken me to the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Nothing about you is mellow to me. I wish every day I could go back and right some of the wrongs, but you always told me to have faith that everything will work out. You will always have the biggest part of my heart, and be the main component of my life plans. I hope someday there will be peace between us, but until then, just know that I would not be anything close to the person I am today if it hadn't been for you and the fact that you, at one time, were mine. Love you, sorry for the mess.

8. I miss who you were, who we were, and whether you like it or not, I will always call you my best friend. You helped me [literally] dance through some really rough spots, and that won't be soon forgotten. I seriously would marry you just because I don't ever want you to not be around me. But I'm so glad you're as happy as you are. Your happy makes me happy.

9. I spent so long being jealous of you I didn't realize how much I really love you. But now that I've gotten over my own selfish problems, I realize you are one of the best, sweetest, most beautiful people I know. I seriously just want to be your best friend, more than anything. I wouldn't really know how to tell you that I just want to be a big part of your life, because I think the world of you. I'm sorry for the problems we've had in the past, but I really want you to know that I just love you. I think you might be the same person as me, but who makes all the right decisions.

Cassidi and Tara Have Fun At The Mall.

We were twinsies with our darling dresses and red hair!


It was actually disgusting how cool those dresses were... And how expensive!


And these came home with us.


Basically... Yesterday was amazing. My next blog will include how incredibly charmed my life is... Serendipitious, really.
I love you all!

Shiny, Happy People...

This is the song of week, guys. It totally sums me up lately!


And I really love this one, too... I heard it when I was hanging with Tara in October, and just barely refound it. LOVE LOVE!


So, tomorrow is probably gonna be the coolest day EVER... I get to hang out with Miss Amy in the morning, then go to the Phoenix Art Institute, then go chill with Tara! I'm so flippin psyched, you don't even know.

Someone's Sweetheart.

This is something I have really come to appreciate more lately.

The people we know, and even the people we don't, someone cares about them. Every single person who has ever lived has someone who wants them to be happy and loves them. How would we feel if our someone got flipped off, or insulted, or even cut off? We want the best for the people we love. And everyone, everyone. has someone who loves them. They may not be in their life right now, but someone, somewhere, loves them and wants someone to look after them, to keep them safe.
How will that person feel, knowing that you or I hurt their whole world? Knowing you made them shed even one tear, the person they only want to have smiles and sunshine in their life? Maybe it was unintentional, maybe it was just that you overcharged them, or swore at them, or just picked a fight. But you effect the lives of everyone around you.

I think that's just something we need to remember, especially me... Every person you know has someone who loves them and cares about them. So let's just treat them like they were our someone, or their someone is our someone.
Kay?

Other Adventures With The Word Sweetheart.

At 1776 with Alex, an old gentleman named Barry came up to me and told me I looked just like his high school sweetheart. The exact same hair color, cut, and same facial structure. I was so flattered! He was so excited, I think, to see someone who reminded him of someone so dear to him.
That really made me wonder... This man had to be at least in his 50's, possibly older. And he still fondly remembered the girl who had his heart in high school. I'm assuming it ended well, as he was so happy to remember her. Who will remember me from high school? Who, decades from now, will smile when they see someone who reminds them of me? Or even care to recognize a resemblance? I'm afraid I've already slammed one door shut, I'm pretty sure they'll just flinch. But is there hope for others? People who will be pleased to reminisce about good times? People I'll run into, we'll stop for drinks, and just enjoy each other's company?
Sweetheart is still my favorite word. Though lately I'm partial to the Spanish translation, querida. I simply love it. Sweetheart, dearest, love. I'm a sucker for petnames. =]

The Same Old Blood Rush With A New Touch.

So, I realize I've not blogged in a while. Missed me, right? Not. I've got stuff to say, just... No motivation, I suppose. I'm so tired all the time, I don't even want to stay up to blog.
But I'm so happy these days! Maybe that's it... I told Miss Amy the only time anyone is bored enough to blog is in the dead of night when you're depressed and lonely... Otherwise you'd have better things to do. That's the way it is with me, anyway.



But truly! I'm happy... All the time now.
Here are some of the things that have made me happy:

1.
I cannot tell you how much I love this song!

2. You're the most beautiful zombie I've ever seen.

3.
[Yes, I realize the pic is crazy old. Don't care.]
I've been hanging with Blake lately... And seriously, man. I think I respect you more than just about any teenager I know. Just talking with you, hanging out with you has changed my entire outlook on things lately. I owe you... Big time.

4.

5. My first shot at 'fashion blogging', just a pic of [almost] what I wore when I went out with Alex last night [<3]


6. Going to 1776 with Alex! It was awesome! So well done, and really just a fun show. And I loved hanging out with Alex, and Katie, and the others. I love you, HS friends, but sometimes it's nice to just get a change of scene. They're fun, and all so dang good looking! It was almost intimidating... But they were so nice, it was awesome!

7. Dress Up Day with Haylee Bee. I love that dress so much... I'm going to wear it when I get married!


I'm going to go against my better judgement and stop the list at seven... I'll probably be up for hours tossing and turning because my OCD wants the list to be at ten. But it's long enough already. =D
I'm leaving in the morning... Going to the valley ALL WEEK! I'm so incredibly excited! I get to hang out with Tara, possibly Sam, and get my hair done!
Now if i can just find my stupid camera...

Open Your Eyes; I Need You To Look Into Mine.

If you tuck the name of a loved one
under your tongue too long
without speaking it
it becomes blood
sigh
the little sucked-in breath of air
hiding everywhere
beneath your words.




The last 48 hours may have been some of the best of my senior year.
I can't even put most of it into words... Just feelings I had, things that suddenly made sense. It became completely clear that humans and pine needles fall to the ground when they've been thrown up. That there is a whole Somewhere Out There beyond the pale moonlight, if only I can be brave enough to reach for it.

Why I Haven't Been This Happy In A Long Time
1. Acadec Scrimmage: Went so well! We basically kicked butt and took names... We tied St. Johns in Superquiz! Also, Ms. Abel promised me if I beat all the A's in quizzes for the rest of the class, she'll make me A1. My new goal is to get more medals as an A than Tucker did. :]
2. Yesterday [Friday] after school, Blake and I just hung out, and talked about everything. That's mostly what's hard to describe... I let out a lot of things that I've been keeping pent up, and then I tried to let some new things, new ideas, new hopes, in where the old bitter and hurt were stored in my heart. I hope some of it will stay. At the end of life, you just hope you have the right kind of regrets.
3. Hanging with Ms. Abel, my best person in the galaxy. We were able to talk talk talk our heads off, and that was absolutely awesome. I think we both really needed it, especially since we're NOT GONNA SEE EACH OTHER FOR TWO WEEKS!!! It's okay... We'll be stay a LOT more in contact now that she's GIVEN IN TO THE SOCIAL NETWORKING CRAZE!!! {I love you the mostest.}
4. It is OVER! The Outsiders, the stupid play that stole my soul, my time, my health, my best friend, my everything... The dark hole that sucked what was left of my love of theatre and hope in people. It's OVER! I won't ever have to perform on that stage again.
I know in about two months, i'll be heartbroken. I won't eat or sleep or talk for days, just because I can't handle change. But as of now, all I can feel is relief. I don't have to worry, I don't have to get sick, I don't have to stress. Well, I'll have to stress, but not about that. And no more 'there's more drama in drama than drama'. I wash my hands of everything. And I feel free.


I want to be better. I want to be happy, to let go of things.
I think that's my first step... Kali tells me that holding onto grudges is unhealthy. Like, literally bad for the body. So I want to slowly and systematically remove the hate and anger from my system. Some things will definitely take longer than others... I'm usually good at letting go of the small stuff fairly quickly. It's when I let the thorn fester and get infected in me that I have a problem.
Start with forgiving yourself, and stop blaming yourself for something that isn't your fault.

Count Me In.

10 things you wish you could say to ten different people right now:

1) I'm always terrified that you'll stop loving me... Probably because I deserve it.
2) I cannot put into words how grateful I am for you. You seriously amaze me. Please don't ever not be in my life?
3) I miss you so much. I hate knowing things will never ever be the same.
4) You're the reason I wake up some mornings.
5) You are not him. Not even close.
6) I really want to be a big part of your life.
7) I'm afraid of what you're turning me into.
8) You're the reason I have no more emotional inhibitions... If someone I love as much as I did you could do to me what you did, there's no point in trusting anyone with that much power, so why not distribute it evenly. Um, thanks?
9) I don't hang out with you for a reason.
10) I've got your iPod.

9 Things people probably don’t know about you:

1) I'm totally addicted to European fashion blogs.
2) I'm double jointed in the elbows.
3) I'm not really into shoes anymore.
4) I don't want to get my license.
5) I will sing along to ANYTHING. Seriously, if I know the words, I'll be jamming out right along with it, and I don't care if you are annoyed or not.
6) I'm huge into dream interpretations and such... Tell me your dreams, I'll tell you what your subconscious is trying to tell you.
7) I'm not good at anything practical. It's hard to find careers in acting, photography and making people feel good.
8) It really bugs me when people can't take compliments well.
9) My favorite parts of my body are my neck, shoulders and collarbone.

8 ways to win your heart:

1) Make me laugh.
2) Interact with my family.
3) Make me think.
4) Respect yourself, and me.
5) Little things: A flower, a smile, an acknowledgment, a joke.
6) Compliments. 'Nuff said.
7) Be emotionally wacked. [Apparently I just can't handle good, normal guys.]
8)

7 awesome movies:

1) Gone With The Wind.
2) Spaceballs.
3) The Bachelor.
4) Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back.
5) Talledega Nights.
6) South Pacific.
7) Saturday's Warrior.

6 things you do before you fall asleep:

1) Eat Life.
2) Strip to my skivvies.
3) Turn around a few times, end up facing my wall, away from my mirror. ALWAYS.
4) Set my alarm.
5) Hold my teddy bear, Pippin.
6) Pray.

5 people who mean a lot: (no order)

1) Kathy Abel.
2) Mom.
3) BioDad.
4) Sadie.
5) The Doc.

4 things you don’t like:
1) SHARING PEOPLE I LOVE.
2) Meat.
3) Letting people too c
4) When people ignore me.

3 things you like:
1) Supernatural.
2) Taking pictures.
3) Capitalization.

2 things you want to do before you die:

1) Own a star.
2) Get married.

1 confession

1)

Hearts Are Often Broken By Words That Are Left Unspoken.

I fell in love with the way you wrote. How you took the time to say exactly what you meant instead of leaving everything to those inane moments when we’d meet in the street, making strange noises with our mouths in the hope that they’d somehow convey how we felt.
You and I were always better written down than standing up.

On this day, you read something that moved you and made you realize there were no more fears to fear. No tears to cry. No head to hang in shame. That every time you thought you’d offended someone, it was all just in your head and really, they love you with all their heart and nothing will ever change that. That everyone and everything lives on inside you. That that doesn’t make any of it any less real.


That soft touches will change you and stay with you longer than hard ones.


That being alone means you’re free. That old lovers miss you and new lovers want you and the one you’re with is the one you’re meant to be with. That the tingles running down your arms are angel feathers and they whisper in your ear, constantly, if you choose to hear them. That everything you want to happen, will happen, if you decide you want it enough. That every time you think a sad thought, you can think a happy one instead.


That you control that completely.


That the people who make you laugh are more beautiful than beautiful people. That you laugh more than you cry. That crying is good for you. That the people you hate wish you would stop and you do too.


That your friends are reflections of the best parts of you. That you are more than the sum total of the things you know and how you react to them. That dancing is sometimes more important than listening to the music.


That the most embarrassing, awkward moments of your life are only remembered by you and no one else. That no one judges you when you walk into a room and all they really want to know, is if you’re judging them. That what you make and what you do with your time is more important than you’ll ever fathom and should be treated as such. That the difference between a job and art is passion. That neither defines who you are. That talking to strangers is how you make friends.


That bad days end but a smile can go around the world. That life contradicts itself, constantly. That that’s why it’s worth living.


That the difference between pain and love is time. That love is only as real as you want it to be. That if you feel good, you look good but it doesn’t always work the other way around.


That the sun will rise each day and it’s up to you each day if you match it. That nothing matters up until this point. That what you decide now, in this moment, will change the future. Forever. That rain is beautiful.


And so are you.

I Want The Stars In My Eyes

Can life please return to some sentiment of normalcy, please?
Tomorrow is the first day of my new life. And it's gonna be a blast...
Play practice in the morning,
Hopefully hot tubbing with Miss Kali,
Then As It Is In Heaven with Alex!
I cannot wait. This weekend just threw me too much out of wack. I'm hoping that now things can settle back down. Maybe I shouldn't get my hopes up too much just yet... I'll say things will go back to normal after this weekend, after the show closes.
Or after Thanksgiving.
Or... When I graduate.
Something.
Anyways, here are some pearls from Denny's with the cast and fam:

Miss Leah, my new girlfriend. =]


Precious picture of Ponyboy... Love it!


By the way, John Winchester is my veteran.

My Significant Other. =]

So, I just want to tell you all a little bit about my new boyfriend... His name is Jensen.

You think I'm kidding?
Well. I'm not.
I truly don't think I'll date another boy until it's this one. I don't care if he's 30... I've seen worse!
[Shut up, Ben... I'm not talking Supernatural. I'm talking about my beautiful boyfriend.]

But I for real can't wait to post all the pictures Miss Amy took of our play! There were some handy dandy ones. Especially some cute ones of me and my girlfriend, Leah. She's keeping me company until I'm legal for Jensen.
I love that girl!

Miniature Disasters And Minor Catastrophes.

The Show Must Go On.
In spite of illness, building the sets during the first few scenes, and skipping entire SCENES. [I'm bitter at you, Orrin.] And it did. When they said I survived it, they meant barely.
But second night went much better. [Pssst! It's because I tucked packets of salt in everyone's costumes... Warded off the bad spirits!] But it did go much better. I even started feeling better! Whoo. =]

So, today should be even better! I hope.
I don't really have much else to say... My life these days is the play and Supernatural. And you won't let me blog about that, so My life these days is the play. Which is... Meh. But truly, I can't wait for it to be over. The cast party is where the real pay off comes. =]
I was supposed to be at rehersal 40 minutes ago, but I have an excuse, truly I do.
My little brother fell and might have gotten a concussion last night, so my parents were up with him for forever, and they're just waking up now. So I'll probably be heading in in a moment or two.

I wish I had something deep or philosophical to write, but really? I'm just bored these days. Chronically bored. If it wasn't for Alex being such a complete sweetie [<3] and Ms. Abel keeping me above water with the Winchester boys, I'd probably be in a straightjacket by now.

Three Is A Magic Number... Tag! You're It!

What are the last three things you purchased?
My Halloween Costume [black wig, fangs].
Lunch.
Movie ticket: Nick and Nora's.

What are the last three songs you downloaded?
Carry On My Wayward Son, Kansas
The Ballad of Jared and Jensen
Love And Some Verses, Iron and Wine

What are the last three places you visited?
Washington, DC.
Phoenix.
Utah.

What are your three favorite movies?
Spaceballs.
Gone With The Wind.
Somewhere In Time.

What are your three favorite possessions?
My camera, however shoddy it might be.
Sam [my laptop]
And my journals. I've got ones since sixth grade that I can't bear to get rid of because I want to be able to look back.

What three things can you not live without?
Affection.
Books.
Candy.

What would be your three wishes?
To feel fulfilled, like I've done something really, really worth doing.
To find my passion.
To be loved.

What three things haven’t you done yet?
I've never gone 'partying'. I've always wanted to, but never a full out, dance club party.
I haven't gotten my driver's license yet. I know, I know, what the crap.
I haven't donated blood.

What are your three favorite dishes?
I love pasta. Alfredo is on my new list.
Fruit salad. Actually, fruit anything.
Broccoli. LOVE IT!

Which three celebrities would you most like to hang out with?
J cubed...
Jeffery Dean Morgan, Jensen Ackles, and Jared Padalecki.

Name three things that freak you out?
I HATE it when things jump out at me [As Alex can attest to.]
Don't like dropping... Roller coasters are totally out for me.
Definitely not a fan of confrontation. I'd rather let things quietly simmer away than talk it out.

Name three unusual things you are good at.
I can make people feel really good about themselves, by complimenting them to death, or being really gracious.
I can make really good vegetarian chili.
I have one of the best memories of anyone I've ever met.

Which three things are you coveting?
A new digital camera
Long, curly hair
More confidence.

Tag three bloggers to do it!
Ms. Abel.
Miss Tara.
Alex Dax.

Things That Make Me Happy.

1.
Rainy Days.

2.
Sleep.

3.
Pictures.

4.
Flowers. =]

5.
Hugging.

6.
Being On Stage.

7.
Fun Dip.

8.
Attention.

9.
Blogging.

10.
Laughing.

11.
Playgrounds.

12.
Red Hair.

Day!

Today was basically bomb. =]
It didn't really feel like Halloween, actually... [Well, it isn't now, but it was about half an hour ago. I digress.] Just like a really cool day. Ms. Abel and I started on season one of Supernatural [!!!] and that pretty much takes up over half my day. What I don't spend watching it, I spend thinking about or singing "The Sammy Song" [see squeegirls.blogspot.com, the reason why all three of you can bear to read my blog anymore. lol] Then *gasp* play practice didn't completely SUCK! Shay brought Alex, Nice Heather, Chelsea and a couple of other friends from the college, and it made a WORLD of difference. Mostly because Alex said "I'm not here to put up with your crap, I'm here to help." Everyone shaped up so fast I didn't think it was possible. I was so pleased!
Then I somehow let that crazy kid talk me into going to the haunted corn maze with the college kids. Was I scared? Actually, I wouldn't know. I spent the entire twenty minutes with Alex basically draping over me and my face shoved in his jacket. So I don't really know how scary it is... I just heard everyone else screaming and so I'm assuming it was terrified. I think one of the creepy little girls tried to steal my shoes! [My favorites; the purple ballet flats!] They kept coming off, and I was almost too terrified to look back... But I wasn't about to let some girl who only even comes around once a year get her greedy little decomposing hands on MY shoes!
Long story short, we were all totally flipped out, and it was... Fun. Afterwards was a BLAST, though! I loved hanging out with the college kids... Alex, Chelsea, Adrian, Nick, Heather, Kayla, all of them. It was kinda like a breath of fresh air. I could have conversations with people, or even just listen to conversations with people who I felt were on the same level I am. No offense, friends, but truly. It's a whole different experience when you're with people who are around your same age, who think the same way you do. I can't remember the last time I laughed that much.
I feel... Revived. Restored. Flirted with. lol.



"Aerodynamically, the bumblebee shouldn’t be able to fly. But the bumblebee doesn’t know this, so it goes on flying anyway. "