The Postcard That's Taped To The Freezer Reads Wish You Were Here.

So, wow. This is my last chance to blog in 2008.
Crap, I've gotta come up with something beautiful and touching, right?
Hmmm.
It's 10:19 on New Year's Eve, and i'm sitting on my mom's bed in boxers and an old hockey jersey. I could [and should] be out partying with my nearest and dearest, but i've been so dang lethargic this week, I don't even want to pretend to have the energy to go out... Especially since i couldn't find metallic leggings to go with my AMAZING outfit I had picked out for tonight. [[That's so typical me... I had this perfect outfit all set up, and then i realized I don't own half of what I wanted to wear.]]
Something deep... Still working on it...
I've not left the house hardly at all since Sunday, aside from going to the doctor's yesterday.
But Saturday I'm going with Rachelle to LION KING!!! At Gammage! I'm so excited... Partly because the show will be AMAZING and partly because I'm happy to spend time with one of my best friends. I'm a complete flake, so we don't usually hang out much, but we're both so incredibly happy and girly and giddy, it'd be a shame to not enjoy it together.
Then Saturday Sam's coming home! I won't see him until I get back Sunday, but still... I'm ready for him to not be six hundred and fifty miles away. Silly, I know. Completely irrational. And I love it. :D


Crap, I've gotta quit procrastinating and just come up with something to say before it's too late!

So, I've gained quite a few people in my life this year... Tara [you sweet thing, I still owe you a message], Sammie [I'm going to have to call you that now, since Sam-the-Facebook-Wife is not longer accurate], all my friends from CHT [especially the St. Johns ones, and the few I've stayed in touch with... Mostly just Jacob], Hair [I'm so glad I got over my irrational dislike of you, because you're kinda just really REALLY awesome], Leah [girlfran!], the college kid [Nick, and especially Samtheboy] and so many others. I know I'm leaving so many out, but seriously? How incredibly blessed am I that in just one year I can name off the top of my head at least six people that I love [yep, even you Hair. :)] and hope to keep around for many years to come.
I've lost people too... Some of them were those people that you're absloutely sure you'll never be without, you know those? There were three people I started the school year out with knowing I would never lose... Of those three, I am now even on speaking terms with one. Some of that was my fault, and some of it was for the better. But wouldacouldashoulda won't get my anywhere, right? All I can do is be grateful for what was there and learn from it.

I wish there was a way for me to be with all of you, new and old, right now. If there was a way for me to hold on to you when the clock struck, find some way to seal friendships with a kiss on the cheek and hope it stayed until next new year, I'd do it. But this is as close as I get, a blog that probably only three or six of you will read.
Somehow, that's enough. That's part of life, right? You reach who you can, and you learn to let go of those you can't.

So, New Year! Yay! Shay made me want to get into resolutions, so there I go!

New Cass:
Loves more deeply.
Forgives more easily.
Doesn't let the drama-rama get to her.
Smiles at strangers.
Reads important books.
Writes more often, and better.
Laughs more, and more deeply.
Learns to let go what needs to be let go...
But hold on more fiercely to what she doesn't want to lose.
Calls people back.
Drinks more water.

How's that for goals?

Oh dear... Now I think I'm just ranting.

So... Here's to the hope that we're all still around next New Year.

Love you all. So much.

SENSORY OVERLOAD...

There's too much happy in the air!
Seriously... Everyone's just so happy! Two of my best girls got boyfriends within, like, 24 hours of each other... Plus Sh-ake! My OTP are back together, and I am pretty much flippin GIDDY about that. I'm so happy for you guys!
And that's not even mentioning me and my absolutely obnoxious giddy Miss Sunshine mood lately. I cannot remember the last time I was this happy, and I've got a pretty great memory. A lot of it is happy for the people around me; Almost everyone seem to be in a really good place right now. That makes Little Miss Codependent in me very happy. And then there's just me happy. Happy for me, happy because of me, happy because I make other people happy. Like, I wake up smiling and I go to sleep smiling, and it never feels faked these days. Which is kinda a big deal?

Love this song and video this week!



I loved being in the valley, and I'm kinda happy to be home. Today was just kind a traumatic day! FOUR missionary farewells...
Skippy Holladay is leaving to North Carolina.
Stanton Davis is leaving to Columbia.
Curtis Ellsworth is going to Madrid, Spain.
And Rhett MacNielle, my 'heathen', is going to South Dakota.

It's not like I hang out with the boys anyway, half of them were away at ASU. But... There's something so final about someone leaving like that. No matter what happens, I won't hear Skippy laugh, or Rhett play the piano, or Stanton sing for TWO YEARS. And Kyle Pratt is going to Indiana, he's leaving soon... I feel like I'm losing people who should not be lost.

But! there's always a silver lining. For one, they're all going to be incredible missionaries, I know it. And more than that, I'm happy.
I'M HAPPY.

And now I kind of know why... Because it's been four months.
This is an incredible talk that Sam found... I would SERIOUSLY recommend watching it. Especially Blake, Ms. Abel, Benny... Other intellectuals.



Anyways, I love you all.
So much.

Talk to you soon.

Miss Cassidi Is Not A Cat.

Whoops... I guess it has been almost a week since I posted.
It goes back to this theory Miss Amy and I have:
People only blog late at night when they're bored and depressed. When you're happy, you don't want to blog, you want to spend your time being happy.
Or as Karadactyl and I have found out, silly and happy and giggly.
So here's a bit of an update...

Christmas was pretty bomb! aside from that it still doesn't feel like christmas... it should just barely be thanksgiving or something. But loot! I got 'the Cassidi' dress, which I am so happy about... Almost as much because of what it means than the dress it's self... it means i'm healing. i bought the dress, with all the emotional attachment it has, but i plan to have it mean something very different soon. it will be a physical representation of the emotional and mental journey i've come on the past six months, of what i've lost and what i've gained, and will continue to lose and gain. and that means more to me than anything else i could've been given in a box or bag.
i also got a printer, and ABBA Gold [tehe!] and a cool shirt.
then i came down to the valley, and kinda hit the jackpot here. my dad got me this really pretty silver necklace, and money. then miss amy got me a new digital camera! and get this... PINK POLKA DOTS. which in and of it's self would be awesome, but she got me a betsey johnson camera case. BETSEYVILLE!!!! Squee!
So that's that.
I'm in the valley of the sundresses and low rise jeans? except for that i tried to wear low rise jeans today and froze my butt off! it should not be cold and overcast down here... when it is there is virtually NO appeal. Except for my favorite part of Christmas...
After Christmas SHOPPING! All I have to say is, I need to start going on more dates, because I just got a few way cute dresses that I don't want to waste on regular school days.

Other than that, things are just going incredibly well.
I'm a-dork-ably happy and smiley all the time... And I love it.

The Most Remarkable Thing About You Standing In The Doorway Is That It's You, And You're Standing In The Doorway.

This has been running through my head for about a week now.
I don't know why, maybe because of the essay on a relationship I'm writing, that really made me think about the way I think about people. [How's that for circular reasoning?]
I've been thinking about how real that is. I mean, it sounds like nonsense, but it's not!

It's you.
You are an amazing person, a person worth reckoning. YOU are remarkable.

And you're standing in the doorway.
You're here. You, this incredible, remarkable person... You're in my doorway. You're standing there, facing me... In my door way.

And no, that's not about any particular person, so don't get your panties in a twist.
It's just... truth.
I'm into that these days...
Ugly truths that expose weakness.
Exciting truths that, when revealed, produce wonderment and connection.
Disappointing truths that are what they are, without any hope of reconciliation.
On the other hand, I'm pretty proud of myself for that. I'm training to not give into my natural people-pleaser instincts, but instead to do what i feel is best.



This picture makes me happy. It reminds me that even in the dead of winter, there can be sunshine and happiness found.

What The Blog?

Okay, so I found this on Katy Perry's blog, but I totally promise it has nothing to do with her.
It just made me go
Whiskey.
Tango.
Foxtrot.
??

PS: I'm totally going to use that all the time now... Thanks Ms. Abel. :D

Take Me Away...

Not such a good day.
I'll write more later, I don't even have the heart to now.

But Kara put this song on a CD for me, and it seriously COMPLETELY explains how my life feels right now.


Wherever one door closes, a window opens, right?
:(

The Things That Might Happen.

Just so you know, I checked and it's all going to be ok. I promise.


via pleasefindthis.blogspot.com

Truth.

I watch people sometimes, wonder how they can walk around with the weight of what they know. Wonder if they feel like me, stumbling with lead shoes on the bottom of the ocean, swimming in a sea of the unsayable. It’s a mistake we make, thinking its words that tell us everything. It’s sound that breaks glasses, cracks windows, sends cats up trees. Bats hear more than humans, understand more noise, let alone dogs. Maybe we’re just not getting it, standing here listening for sensible speech, dying of loneliness and waiting for whatever it is. How do we know we’re not calling and calling all the time, our throats so tight with it, its too high to hear?

-Cate Kennedy, A Pitch Too High For Human Ear (Short Story)

Playlist.

1.


2.


3.

The air felt thinner in the room. Thinner, and sad.

to all the ones who tried the most was i supposed to cheer your efforts?
golly gee... i am the poster girl!
i've missed the dresden dolls SO MUCH.


How are you? Fine, and you? It’s not that we don’t care, it’s that we’re terrified that someone will actually break down and tell us. Everyone I know is in some kind of pain. Everyone. How do you like them apples? And so, another reason to lie, because we’ve all agreed not to tell the truth to each other, not about that. Someone put their hand in my heart and they didn’t take it back out.

-Richard Siken

I feel like this every day.


Dear You:

Love, Me.

I Must've Missed The Memo...

About today being "A Little Piece of Hell" day. I mean, if I had known, I would've at least dressed up for the occasion.

Everything was fine until 3rd hour. I went to lunch with Kara, did pretty well in math, loved government [as usual] and then the crap hit the fan. I can't even... My mom took my laptop away, so I hadn't been online in quite a while, so I snuck on Facebook in Ms. Abel's room. Right in time, I guess.
how do you leave the past behind when it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?

I couldn't even look around the room. Everything was spinning... It's like those stupid movie scenes where all the sound dulls except for the heartbeat, which is somehow overpowering. Ran to the bathroom, tried to throw up what wasn't in my stomach, and did what any upset girl does:
I went and found my Bee. Bawled my eyes out in the middle of Bledsoe's classroom.
How does that happen? It must be like seeing someone falling from a tightrope into Niagara Falls... A part of you totally expects it, but it's still hard to watch. Except it was me falling off the rope, and no one seemed to notice. I don't blame them... It's not something you watch for. Except for me, being a total basketcase as it is. I always expect it. Dread it, but know it's coming.
It takes so little to fall... An unexpected gush of wind. A yell, causing you to look and lose your balance. A picture.

So Bee and I ditched 4th hour and went to the only place in the world that can solve problems [or so i thought]: Fiesta Mexicana. Except turns out it wasn't as perfect as I've always dreamed... I couldn't even finish my raspberry daiquiri. And completely forget about the chips and salsa. Mostly we sat and she listened to me cry, and we tried to figure out what was wrong with the boys in our lives, and decided we'd leave that to brain surgeons or someone who knew, like the Dali Llama. We were about to leave, still pretty teary [I was, anyway] and we suddenly looked at our check. It has the place where it says so-and-so was your server, except ours was a little different:
Taken Care of By: Jesus.
I KNOW, RIGHT?
After that, we went thrifting and she got a wicked instant Polaroid camera [2.50!] and I got two dresses, for only $4! Pictures of those later.
Then in something I can only call serendipity, we took a back road to the school, and guess who we saw?
If you guessed Alex and Nick driving to his house, you're lying.
We made a hasty U-turn, then tailed those boys all the way back to Alex's. [Okay, kinda hasty.] I was so happy to see them... Those two completely made my day. Also, decade. =]
They had to leave for class in Snowflake, so after a few minutes we said goodbye to Alex, Nick, Adrian and Chelsea [they showed up soon after us] and went to KMart and played Rock Band- er, Guitar Hero III! With Bee on the drums and me on the guitar, we rocked out to 'Eye of the Tiger' [Shout out to my boy Jensen] and Everlong, and some Sumblime song I've fell in love with. They didn't have the film for the Polaroid, so we went to WalMart and picked it up. Then we drove to dad's office singing sad songs at the top of our lungs [par the course for the two of us] and I came inside. Tried to eat some popcorn [didn't stay down long] and now I'm entering receipts in mom's computer and blogging.
Don't know why I bother blogging... I mean, it's not like it does any good. It doesn't take away this feeling like my stomach somehow was installed upside down. It doesn't get rid of the embarrassment and anger that just isn't going away, even after exactly FOUR MONTHS.
For what it's worth, I was okay. I was getting the happy back again. I have incredible people in my life who have somehow dragged me out of my sadness zombie stage, and it wasn't easy for them. But they didn't give up on me. Only now I feel like I've gone careening back, like I tripped over some invisible crack in the ground and fell face first into that dream where waking up is almost as bad as the nightmares, and I can't even function around happy people because I bring them down.
Welcome back, "Negative Energy". Only this one isn't all my fault. You can blame this on the past that refuses to stay buried, on the memories that won't go away and the hopes that were completely and irrefutably shattered last weekend.
Hey thanks!
And by the way, you don't get to tell me to settle down. And you don't get to tell me you love me... that's part of what got us in this mess to begin with. I told you, but you didn't listen. About as usual, I'd say. So if you're upset, or angry, or think you can make yourself out to be the victim? FORGET ABOUT IT. Though you're not really the one who has to put up with it, do you? I doubt you even care anymore. Something in me wants to believe that if you had any idea, you'd at least try to do something about it. But what? Nice of you to try to keep up appearances, though.

In other news, I'm taking Nick Prevo to Winter Formal. Should be jazzy... He's a fun kid. We're in a group with my Bee & Eric Pearce so far... Anyone else need a group?