I Must've Missed The Memo...

About today being "A Little Piece of Hell" day. I mean, if I had known, I would've at least dressed up for the occasion.

Everything was fine until 3rd hour. I went to lunch with Kara, did pretty well in math, loved government [as usual] and then the crap hit the fan. I can't even... My mom took my laptop away, so I hadn't been online in quite a while, so I snuck on Facebook in Ms. Abel's room. Right in time, I guess.
how do you leave the past behind when it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?

I couldn't even look around the room. Everything was spinning... It's like those stupid movie scenes where all the sound dulls except for the heartbeat, which is somehow overpowering. Ran to the bathroom, tried to throw up what wasn't in my stomach, and did what any upset girl does:
I went and found my Bee. Bawled my eyes out in the middle of Bledsoe's classroom.
How does that happen? It must be like seeing someone falling from a tightrope into Niagara Falls... A part of you totally expects it, but it's still hard to watch. Except it was me falling off the rope, and no one seemed to notice. I don't blame them... It's not something you watch for. Except for me, being a total basketcase as it is. I always expect it. Dread it, but know it's coming.
It takes so little to fall... An unexpected gush of wind. A yell, causing you to look and lose your balance. A picture.

So Bee and I ditched 4th hour and went to the only place in the world that can solve problems [or so i thought]: Fiesta Mexicana. Except turns out it wasn't as perfect as I've always dreamed... I couldn't even finish my raspberry daiquiri. And completely forget about the chips and salsa. Mostly we sat and she listened to me cry, and we tried to figure out what was wrong with the boys in our lives, and decided we'd leave that to brain surgeons or someone who knew, like the Dali Llama. We were about to leave, still pretty teary [I was, anyway] and we suddenly looked at our check. It has the place where it says so-and-so was your server, except ours was a little different:
Taken Care of By: Jesus.
I KNOW, RIGHT?
After that, we went thrifting and she got a wicked instant Polaroid camera [2.50!] and I got two dresses, for only $4! Pictures of those later.
Then in something I can only call serendipity, we took a back road to the school, and guess who we saw?
If you guessed Alex and Nick driving to his house, you're lying.
We made a hasty U-turn, then tailed those boys all the way back to Alex's. [Okay, kinda hasty.] I was so happy to see them... Those two completely made my day. Also, decade. =]
They had to leave for class in Snowflake, so after a few minutes we said goodbye to Alex, Nick, Adrian and Chelsea [they showed up soon after us] and went to KMart and played Rock Band- er, Guitar Hero III! With Bee on the drums and me on the guitar, we rocked out to 'Eye of the Tiger' [Shout out to my boy Jensen] and Everlong, and some Sumblime song I've fell in love with. They didn't have the film for the Polaroid, so we went to WalMart and picked it up. Then we drove to dad's office singing sad songs at the top of our lungs [par the course for the two of us] and I came inside. Tried to eat some popcorn [didn't stay down long] and now I'm entering receipts in mom's computer and blogging.
Don't know why I bother blogging... I mean, it's not like it does any good. It doesn't take away this feeling like my stomach somehow was installed upside down. It doesn't get rid of the embarrassment and anger that just isn't going away, even after exactly FOUR MONTHS.
For what it's worth, I was okay. I was getting the happy back again. I have incredible people in my life who have somehow dragged me out of my sadness zombie stage, and it wasn't easy for them. But they didn't give up on me. Only now I feel like I've gone careening back, like I tripped over some invisible crack in the ground and fell face first into that dream where waking up is almost as bad as the nightmares, and I can't even function around happy people because I bring them down.
Welcome back, "Negative Energy". Only this one isn't all my fault. You can blame this on the past that refuses to stay buried, on the memories that won't go away and the hopes that were completely and irrefutably shattered last weekend.
Hey thanks!
And by the way, you don't get to tell me to settle down. And you don't get to tell me you love me... that's part of what got us in this mess to begin with. I told you, but you didn't listen. About as usual, I'd say. So if you're upset, or angry, or think you can make yourself out to be the victim? FORGET ABOUT IT. Though you're not really the one who has to put up with it, do you? I doubt you even care anymore. Something in me wants to believe that if you had any idea, you'd at least try to do something about it. But what? Nice of you to try to keep up appearances, though.

In other news, I'm taking Nick Prevo to Winter Formal. Should be jazzy... He's a fun kid. We're in a group with my Bee & Eric Pearce so far... Anyone else need a group?