Open Your Eyes; I Need You To Look Into Mine.

If you tuck the name of a loved one
under your tongue too long
without speaking it
it becomes blood
sigh
the little sucked-in breath of air
hiding everywhere
beneath your words.




The last 48 hours may have been some of the best of my senior year.
I can't even put most of it into words... Just feelings I had, things that suddenly made sense. It became completely clear that humans and pine needles fall to the ground when they've been thrown up. That there is a whole Somewhere Out There beyond the pale moonlight, if only I can be brave enough to reach for it.

Why I Haven't Been This Happy In A Long Time
1. Acadec Scrimmage: Went so well! We basically kicked butt and took names... We tied St. Johns in Superquiz! Also, Ms. Abel promised me if I beat all the A's in quizzes for the rest of the class, she'll make me A1. My new goal is to get more medals as an A than Tucker did. :]
2. Yesterday [Friday] after school, Blake and I just hung out, and talked about everything. That's mostly what's hard to describe... I let out a lot of things that I've been keeping pent up, and then I tried to let some new things, new ideas, new hopes, in where the old bitter and hurt were stored in my heart. I hope some of it will stay. At the end of life, you just hope you have the right kind of regrets.
3. Hanging with Ms. Abel, my best person in the galaxy. We were able to talk talk talk our heads off, and that was absolutely awesome. I think we both really needed it, especially since we're NOT GONNA SEE EACH OTHER FOR TWO WEEKS!!! It's okay... We'll be stay a LOT more in contact now that she's GIVEN IN TO THE SOCIAL NETWORKING CRAZE!!! {I love you the mostest.}
4. It is OVER! The Outsiders, the stupid play that stole my soul, my time, my health, my best friend, my everything... The dark hole that sucked what was left of my love of theatre and hope in people. It's OVER! I won't ever have to perform on that stage again.
I know in about two months, i'll be heartbroken. I won't eat or sleep or talk for days, just because I can't handle change. But as of now, all I can feel is relief. I don't have to worry, I don't have to get sick, I don't have to stress. Well, I'll have to stress, but not about that. And no more 'there's more drama in drama than drama'. I wash my hands of everything. And I feel free.


I want to be better. I want to be happy, to let go of things.
I think that's my first step... Kali tells me that holding onto grudges is unhealthy. Like, literally bad for the body. So I want to slowly and systematically remove the hate and anger from my system. Some things will definitely take longer than others... I'm usually good at letting go of the small stuff fairly quickly. It's when I let the thorn fester and get infected in me that I have a problem.
Start with forgiving yourself, and stop blaming yourself for something that isn't your fault.