MeiMei's Stories

June 25th, 2010

2010-06-25T13:26:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I suddenly decided to check my blogger account, it's been almost six months to the day since I posted. Not exactly a good track record. So much has happened, it's hard to keep track. I've made and lost best friends, I've made and lost myself. But, seriously, now is not the time for deep, eloquent soul searching.

IT'S ALMOST MY NINETEENTH BIRTHDAY.

2009-12-26T20:03:00.000-08:00

That is all.

Milestone

2009-12-16T08:27:00.001-08:00

So I don't think anyone even reads this anymore, but today was a big day, and I think it deserves to be commemorated.
Today I finished my final class in my first semester of college.
As in that's it. I'm officially done. The end of the beginning.
I'm a little bit in shock, I think. I guess it's not that big of a deal, but it feels big to me. I can't pretend I'm a kid anymore, I've got a semester of college under my belt.
It just feels surreal, ya know? Like, I've been building up to this for my entire life, and what do I have to show for it? I'm in college. I flunked math, and got A's in english and Anthropology. Math is a whole nother story, but I can honestly say that I put tons of effort into that class, and that sometimes it's not up to you.
So I'm in college, I've made a few friends, and I really think I've grown up some. Well, I'd probably better say that I just know that I've changed alot, I hope it's changing in the right direction. I've made a couple good friends at college, a few forever friends have stayed on board since high school. I'm learning I'm not as much of a social butterfly as I thought.
I also haven't dated anyone in nearly a year, and I'm really proud of myself. Someone once said that the most important thing you could learn is how to be alone, how to be happy with yourself without needing others to validate you, or without defining yourself by the person you're in a relationship with. I'm almost there. Doesn't mean I'm going to go throw myself at the first person who comes by, though. I still think it's gonna take a Superman to sweet me off my feet. (Preferably one that's not Tom Welling, because that guy is a JERK.)
I think I can pretty much sum my life up with this song. So I'll leave you with this, my favorite song of the... Ya know, life. Crazy Circles, by Bad Company:

Life is like a merry go round painted horses riding up and down
Music takes you and you're gone again, crazy circles never seem to end

Oh I will face the sun, leavin shadows for behind
And together we'll go on through time oh yeah

Life is like a game of chance: Some find riches and some romance, some find happiness and some find sorrow, some find it today and some maybe tomorrow

Oh I will face the sun, leavin shadows for behind
And together we'll go on through time oh yeah

Life is like a carousel you aim for heaven, and you wind up in hell
To all the world you're livin like a king
But you're just a puppet on a broken string

Oh I will face the sun leavin shadows for behind
And together we'll go on through time oh yeah

Life is like mm and the life is like mm
Crazy circles goin round and round
Crazy circles round and round and
One day you're up and the next day you're down
Life is like a merry go round

FINALLY.

2009-09-18T01:43:00.001-07:00

I wrote this paper for my English class. Thought it might be nice for everyone who was holding their breath for my Comic Con post. :D

Cassidi Hess English 101
Nerd prom, is what I told most people. The time of the year when all sorts of people obsessed with all sorts of things got together and talked and dressed up and geeked out in every way possible. For my best friend and I, it was a pilgrimage to see the people who created something that we dedicated our lives to one hour every week: Supernatural. To the casual observer, it’s a television show about two brothers who hunt things and save the world. But to us, it was an escape from our mundane real lives, a chance to live in a world of excitement where good would always conquer evil and you could sell your soul to a tiny brunette if you put your picture, along with some cat bones, in the dirt at a crossroads. What wasn’t to love? This year there would be the creator, two writers, and two actors. We scrimped and saved for months to make the weeklong trip to San Diego, California, for the 70th Annual Comic Con.
Most people thought we were nuts. Spending two hundred dollars on tickets to a convention? Staying with relatives we had never met for a week to spend an hour in the same room as five people who would never really interact with us? Oh they of little faith. As if we had only spent two hundred dollars! All in all we spent around $1000 for the trip, and not a penny of it misspent, even in retrospect. We bought our tickets in March, and were only just able to snag them; within a week the entire four day convention was sold out completely. We were the envy of our friends. Not only would we get to see the cast and crew from Supernatural, but we would be in San Diego for a whole week! All we had to do was survive the four months until it came!
This was easier than it sounded. While waiting for our California trip, I busied myself with prom, graduation, and various other ‘senior’ like activities, and for a while even forgot the carrot I had been dangling in front of my own nose. April, May, June flew by, then July was here! I had only a month to prepare. Make that three weeks…
Before I knew it we were packed and loaded into my best friend Kathy’s red SUV and driving into the sunset, metaphorically speaking. We arrived in beautiful San Diego, California in the middle of the night and woke up the next morning to a world transformed. Everywhere we looked was lush, green, and full of life. Outside our window grew grapefruit trees, vines, flowers of every color. Having come from a small town high in the mountains of Arizona, this world of brilliant light and bright colors was a veritable Eden, and we made the most of our two free days basking in the sun.
Finally, finally, the big day. Our convention was about to begin! The day we had waited on for months! We arrived at the San Diego Convention Center, and walked through the doors. It was a bombardment of the senses. Everywhere we looked, we were greeted with visions of characters from comic books, movies, television shows, and some who were most likely products of their own imagination.
Tall, short, old, young, every imaginable kind of person, and the only equalizer was the excitement you could feel buzzing in the air. The smell, well, it smelled like thousands of people crammed into a space, but no one minded. The smell of people, mixed with the smell of the stale convention food, would’ve been unpleasant if any one of the 126,000 people present had stopped to think about it, but of course no one did. They were too busy making their way into the venue room, where one could buy any product they could possibly dream of. The conundrum of sound, caused by the squealing of excited fans, bragging of authors, illustrators, and creators, and even occasionally celebrities, was deafening.
This was our routine for three days, spending time and too much money in the vendor room, and visiting the panels. Sunday was about to roll around, the day of days. Looking back, I don’t know how I slept the night before. Knowing that in a few short hours, I would be in the same room as Eric Kripke, the man who created the show I adored, Misha Collins, the actor who brought one of my favorite characters to life, and Sera Gamble, my very favorite screenwriter ever to grace the small screen. I always looked out for her name on the opening credits, and paid extra attention to the show to see the secret messages she sent out to the watchers. Sera was everything I, a girl with dreams of fame and being a published writer, hoped to be. Smart, classy, witty… Needless to say, I was excited for her most of all.
Sunday morning found Kathy and I up and getting dressed at 5:45 AM. Our panel didn’t start until eleven, but there was no chance we were risking being even a moment late. We hopped on the train by 6:30 and beat most of the crowds - or so we thought. We strolled down the nearly empty halls, sure that no one would’ve thought to arrive at the Convention Center four hours before the panel started. Were we ever wrong! The only hallway with any people lined up at all was ours, and it was so crowded we couldn’t even see the end of the line! After a few moments of panic, we were able to find a spot to wait out the hours. We chatted to anyone who would listen to us speak. Soon we had a small gathering of three or four people who were waiting for the panel as well, and vibrated with anticipation as the moments clicked by.
The doors opened at 10 o’clock for the Smallville panel. While we couldn’t care less about the Superman spin off, we weren’t about to let the chance for good seats pass us by. We found seats as close up as we could, which wasn’t too far, considering we were now a group of eight who refused to be separated from each other. The panel dragged, about as much as you would expect from a show that was about to head into it’s tenth season. I soon felt that familiar pressure, and was grateful for the fifteen minute break between panels. I was sure I’d have enough time to find a bathroom and be back before Supernatural started.
As soon as the lights came up, I told the rest of my friends to save me a seat, and made my way through the crowds to the doors and got the tiny blue ticket that would assure me entrance back into the room. I clung to it as if my life depended on it, found the ladies’ room, then was all set to wander back when BAM! I slammed right into someone. My eyes started at her shoes and slowly worked my way up until I hit the curly black hair, mischievous green eyes, and lips quirked into a smile.
“Oh, jeez, excuse me.” I’d have recognized the voice anywhere.
“But you’re… Sera! Sera Gamble!” My words tumbled out of my mouth, incoherent even to me. But she must’ve understood and laughed.
“That’s me! It’s nice to meet you. But I’m also late for my panel so… See you in there!” She waved, and as graceful as you please, waltzed through the doors and onto the stage.
She would never remember my name. And someday the show that I love so dearly now will fade into a memory of an obsession that ate away at my precious time and resources. But the chance to meet a childhood hero, a woman who was smart and successful and beautiful and everything I aspired to be? That was a once in a lifetime experience.

And, yes, I stretched the truth. And yes, the secret messages Sera sends to us is that Show is the Epic love story of Sam and Dean. But really, not half bad paper, if I do say so myself. :D

More Exciting Summer Adventures!

2009-08-20T18:15:00.000-07:00

So, I just realized. This summer has been kind of celebrity ridden for me! These are some of the people I've seen, and where they were:

This is Allison Mack, the sweetheart who plays Chloe on Smallville. We met in the bathroom at Comic Con!

Travis Wester, better known as Harry Spangler on Ghostfacers! I bumped into him while walking around at Comic Con. He glared at me!

Cathrine Boecher, who plays Lilith most of season four of SUPERNATURAL! I didn't actually meet her, but I saw her at the Bob Dylan concert! No, I didn't actually confirm it's her... But I know it in my heart to be true. :D

And THIS is Sera Gamble! That's right, our favorite squeegirl from the SPN writer's room. I bumped into her while she was walking into the panel, and I was going to the bathroom. I cannot ever remember being more incoherent... Still am. :D

Sometimes I Get REALLY Cute Forwards.

2009-08-20T17:17:00.000-07:00

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to Think Outside of the Box.

HOWEVER...., the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

Quickie

2009-08-17T23:23:00.000-07:00

I'm way too lazy for this blog. The poor baby gets neglected all the time! Someday I'll come back and do the super duper blog that it deserves.
But, let's be honest, this is my stopping in for a quick bite before diving right back into... Whatever it is I do. Mostly Buffy the Vampire Slayer, right now.

-Moved in down in Chandler! It's too hot. But it's definitely growing on me. :D
-Went to California last week... It was amazing. Had a day at the beach that deserves it's own entire post.
-Saw Bob Willie Nelson, John Mellencamp, and Bob Dylan in said state. Honestly, Dylan was a disappointment. Mellencamp was fantastic, though!
-Going to a Green Day concert on Saturday! Whoo!
-School starts on monday. wish me luck!
-I'm crazy homesick. I miss my family and my beffie and my puppy. Good Golly I miss my Molly. :[ :[ :[

The End of the Line

2009-08-01T12:28:00.001-07:00

I've spent five years hating Show Low, hating the petty small town politics.
I hated the wind, the weather.
I hated the cliques that wouldn't let me in, or that I saw shunning other people who desperately wanted acceptance.
I hated going to the one store in the whole town and seeing at least six people I know.
I have fought it tooth and nail.

And now I'm leaving.
Sure, I'll come back and visit, but honestly? I'll have a life in the valley. A home, friends, boyfriends, new dramarama that will have nothing to do with my life here. I've seen it happen with other people, and mourned like I didn't know I could. Now it's my turn.

It's not just letting go of a friend, or a love. It's letting go of my entire life. My family will be here, my saftey net will be here. The people I can't imagine my life without, in good ways or bad, will be here.

Anyways, here's the long and the short of it, kids:
I've set the date.

I'm moving down to the valley next Saturday.
It's soon, I know, but I'm going down a week early so I can go to a John Mellencamp, Bob Dylan, and Willie Nelson concert. I took a poll of from the important people, and they all say it's worth it.

So, to quote someone smarter- well, at least she was blonder and more eloquent- than me, if you've got something to say you'd better say it right now 'cause you don't have another day...

It's just so weird that it's all ending, ya know? I'm in a permanent state of confuddlement at the moment. Luckily for me, at least Blake is going to MCC too, so I'll have him around. :]

And seriously, if you all don't keep in touch, and call me, I will come back up and slit your throats.

Just kidding.

Hey Somebody.

2009-07-19T01:03:00.000-07:00

buy this for me.

Can't Wait. :]

2009-07-18T23:34:00.000-07:00

I Like The Sweet Life And The Silence...

2009-07-10T20:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Thriving Ivory:
Thanks.

You made me cry.

Something about this thunderstorm makes me crave Jerome. I want to be in a pretty little garden, wearing an old fashioned nightgown, sitting in a bathtub.
In the middle of a thunderstorm.

Listening to that song by the Cardigans, storm. Why is my life not a music video?

2009-07-08T21:00:00.000-07:00

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to people (or not) and include me. Try not to repeat a song title. It's harder than you think.

Pick Your Artist: U2

Are you male or female: Lady With The Spinning Head

Describe yourself: The Sweetest Thing

How do you feel about yourself: Mysterious Ways

Describe your current boy/girl situation: I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

Describe where you currently live: Where The Streets Have No Name

If you could go anywhere you wanted to go: city of Blinding Lights

Your favorite form of transportation: The Fly

Your best friend(s) is(are): Stranger in a Strange Land.

Your favorite color is: A Different Kind of Blue

Favorite time of day: When Love Comes To Town

If your life were a TV show, what would it be called: Running To Stand Still

What is life to you: Some Days Are Better Than Others

What is the best advice you have to give: Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own

If you could change your name, what would it be: Mother of the Disappeared

Thought for the Day: Hold Me, Kiss Me, Thrill Me, Kill Me.

How I would like to die: Tryin To Throw My Arms Around The World

My soul's present condition: Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of

This was so much fun, I think I'll try it with all of my favorite bands!

Vacay

2009-07-04T18:47:00.000-07:00

So, I'm in Annabella, Utah.
It's pretty fun.
Though I'm not gonna lie, I came here hoping to run into a certian Sturgesaurus... and guess what.
HE'S GETTING MARRIED.
There goes that chance.
Anyways, The family is fine, as usual... Though we've got the mellow part of the farnsworths, so things are going smoother than usual.

But I miss home. I never thought I'd say that, but I DO! And I miss my beffie, and my Teannasaurus, and my teddy bears. And my own bathroom.

I guess this isn't really as exciting as it should be... I've just run out of blogging steam!

'cept, oh yeah.

I'M EIGHTEEN. How insane is that?? Legal adult, baby!

Where Have All The Flowers Gone?

2009-06-22T16:22:00.000-07:00

Could someone please 'splain to me how this:

Is supposed to play a young this??

No, Dr. Tam... I mean it. I am REALLY sick. It's probably a lethal disease... I might not recover. It's your duty as a physician to make my dying hours as meaningful as possible....

But seriously. Snotty, dumb Zac Efron got his 'big break' playing young Sean Maher in Firefly. Who knew? [[aside from me... Sunbeam tried to argue with me, but I had none of it.]]
And I just need to squeal about Sean Maher for a minute... Good hell this man is beautiful. T.V.'s sexiest- oh wait, it got CANCELLED. Screw you, Fox. SCREW. YOU. But man, couldn't you just eat him up?
So Disney's life size posable action figure got his start on Firefly, one of my favoritest awesomest shows in the 'verse. [No, I've not given up on Supernatural, I'm still on my high from the season finale, I'm just broadening my horizons.]

So, fun fact I guess? Kinda breaks my heart that someone can fall so desperately... He looked so alive, swearing in Chinese and bonding with Baby!River.

In other news, I'm almost eighteen.

And I really, really like this song... It's been singing its self for the past couple of days in the back of my heart.
I was going to say head, but heart came out, and I kinda like it. :]

I'm so excited to buy my eee PC!! Baby!Laptop, all my own.

And FLAGSTAFF... SQUEE!!! Kathy and I are going on Wednesday, and I am about to pee my pants I'm so excited.

2009-06-19T09:27:00.000-07:00

The way to love someone is to lightly run your finger over that person’s soul until you find a crack, and then gently pour your love into that crack.

Playlist

2009-06-15T18:32:00.000-07:00

So, like I said, I started writing a bit lately. This is pretty much the soundtrack of my mind. Well, my mind as far as my stories go. Doesn't have much to do with my own personal life much.
Just thought I'd share. ^_^

It's Like The RENT of Saturday Night Life!

2009-06-12T22:35:00.000-07:00

This video is freaking hilarious. Oh, Darling Dr. Horrible...

sheh sheh.

2009-06-11T15:23:00.000-07:00

"I once heard this story...

"There were two men, one old and one young. The old man proudly showed the young man his heart. 'My heart is perfect,' he said. 'No,' said the young man, pulling out his own heart, 'My heart is perfect.' The old man pulled back, 'But it's so ugly!'

"The young man nodded. His heart was ugly. It was broken and sewn back together, parts were missing and parts were obviously from different hearts, the pieces not matching exactly... 'It is ugly, but it means that I have loved. When you love some one, you give them a piece of your heart. Sometimes you get one in return, sometimes you don't... But it is because I have loved that my heart is perfect.'

"The old man looked down at his heart, it was whole, it was alone. He promptly ripped a piece out and handed it to the young man. The young man smiled and handed the old man a piece of his own heart."

to everyone who has taken/given heart... Sheh sheh. <3

You Don't Want To Miss Out...

2009-06-09T22:59:00.000-07:00

The last couple of days have been absolutely wonderful! I'm just in such a great mood, all the time... Probably because I can just chill at home, and play! I love playing with my besties. ^.^
Also, I freaking CANNOT WAIT for Flagstaff! Only thirteen more days! Expect a disgusting amount of pictures. :D
And after Flag, Teanna and I are going to Sunsplash for my birthday! Squee!!
Is it pathetic that i'm more excited for these two trips than I am for my eighteenth birthday? :P

I started writing again... I'm so proud of myself! Can I say that? But I feel very accomplished lately. I dig it. :D

And i'm pretty much a fan of this song... It's so cute!

Like I said.
Good mood.

I Don't Blog.

2009-06-08T21:53:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in a week, and I'm not really upset about that.

Here's an update on my life, for anyone who cares:

--I've been basically babysitting nonstop the two weeks, and I don't see an end in sight.
--Kathy [I can call her that now!] and I are going to Flagstaff for my birthday! Squee! good way to hold ourselves over until the Big One.
-- explodingdog.tumblr.com: *snorts* it's funny!
-- I kinda want to name a dog/baby Harlow. And no, not after Nicole Richie's baby.
-- I'm training for a job! I'll be working with Dad, doing DHS presentations. So if you don't have insurance, or are currently unhappy with your insurance, lemme know... I get a commission. :]
-- Teannasaurus and I are going to Sunsplash for my birthday! Yay!
-- In case you couldn't tell, I'm not going to have an 18th bash... Just little trips. And that's the way, uh huh, I like it. :D
-- Dude. I'm turning 18.
-- I suck at playing nice with the other kids. I guess I just never learned to share toys... Or things that rhyme with toys.
-- Speaking of, Between Kathy and Jeff [the awesome guy I met at Disneyland!] I have fallen in love with Firefly. Also Big Band Theory. Both TV shows that you should watch... Unless you're Ben, in which case you shouldn't watch unless it's with me.
-- COMICON! *falls over, twitches*
-- I love my cell. If you don't have my number and you think you should, lemme know... I'll probably give it to you. :]
-- My life is, in all reality, pretty boring... I do what i do and I do it well. And by 'it', I mean pretty much lurk on ell-jay, hanging out with my two best friends, and babysitting.

I love it. :]

New Happy.

2009-06-01T02:57:00.000-07:00

I Love love love Hello Saferide!
The first song I heard was The Quiz, thanks to Kathy. Only now I've heard a bunch of their songs, and I just LOVE THEM! Well, her, I suppose. A Swedish girl named Annika, and she's kinda completely adorable.
The video to 'Anna' is great... and freaking HEART SHATTERING.

New Happy.

2009-06-01T02:46:00.000-07:00

2009-05-30T18:41:00.000-07:00

Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday, but I realized some bigger dreams in live.

steal!

2009-05-29T21:38:00.000-07:00

Make a list of 5 things you can see:
1. a yellow bowl
2. My pretty nails, french manicure with silver artistry.
3. A sign telling me that "It's A Wonderful Life"
4. Candles, unlit.
5. Taylor Swift CD case.

Would you ever get plastic surgery?
No. As much as i'd sometimes like to look different than I do, I think it's disrespectful to the body that you've been given.

Is there anything in your fridge right now that you would never eat/drink?
Ugh, yes. Have you seen what my mother eats? lol.

What's your occupation?
Student, or will be. Dreamer.

Do you nap a lot?
No, I wish.

What was your first celebrity crush?
Orlando Bloom, then James Franco. What can I say? I had a type.

What's your current fandom/obsession/addiction?
Supernatural [dur].

What are you listening to right now?
Hey Stephen, by Taylor Swift. [I wish I could say something totally awesome, like that i jam to Metallica, but I dance around and sing along.]

What was the last text message you received?
"Your hair, my dear, is fabulous. You are quite a beautiful young woman."
Aw, thanks, Wade. :D

What websites do you always visit when you go online?
Start at email, then twitter [I'm there for Misha, who rarely lets me down], blogs, and facebook.

What was the last thing you bought?
Fearless, Taylor Swift.

Can you whistle?
When I need to. ;]

Dog or Cat?
Dog. Cats, I love love love, but they kill me.

What is your zodiac sign?
Cancer, which probably tells you more than you need to know... {{Sheldon: Yes... it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relevant to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.}}

Name a song that makes you think about a ship/character that you like lately.
Everything, by Lifehouse... it's a freaking BEAUTIFUL song, but more than that, it's the J2 HS AU. It almost made me cry!
But let's face it... There probably isn't a song alive that doesn't remind me of Supernatural. :D

Weird dream:
Honestly, can't remember many these days.
Which in and of it's self is weird.

Do you have any siblings?
One eleven year old sister, one eight year old Lilith, and one little brother, seven.

What's something you'd like to say to someone right now?
How much more perfect for each other could we be? Oh, right, if you NOTICED.

What are your plans for next weekend?
Hopefully double date, Rachelle's mom's wedding.

2009-05-28T21:38:00.000-07:00

I suppose I can only half way relate with the protagonist [Taylor Swift, the blonde] because most of the time I am the one in high heels, and I've only recently discovered the virtues of a good old t-shirt. But, at the same time, I definitely know that feeling, the whole well obviously I'm perfect for you, why on earth would you even look anywhere else?
Also, I would scalp for glasses like hers.

Remember The Time You Drove All Night?

2009-05-26T17:25:00.000-07:00

I'm kinda in love with this song:

This is the first day of my life, I swear
I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

Nope, not about anyone in particular. Just love the conception.

Also, here's my plug:
imeem.com is a new music site where you can make playlists and share music with your friends. Miss Amy showed it to me a few months ago, but I just barely started an accout. Love it thus far!

BLAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

2009-05-23T13:38:00.001-07:00

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Lolcatz. Where have they been all my life?

Give Yourself Away, Feel The Wind Blow...

2009-05-22T10:20:00.000-07:00

I am done with high school... And don'tcha come back no more, no more.
It's just so surreal at this point, I guess things aren't sinking in. I'm never going to see some of my friends again.
I'm sure I'll be upset, when it really does sink in, but honestly? The people who I would miss the very most, well they're not going anywhere. I'm keeping them in my life. The rest of the people, even the ones that I thought I'd keep with me, well... The fact that they're not still around tells me everything I need to know.
I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, teaching something we must learn and we are drawn to those who help us most to grow if we let them, and we help them in return.
It's true. The other day I was thinking about what would've happened if my parents had given into my fits and not made me move here. My life, and the lives of the people I know now, and knew then, would be so drastically different.

As I look back over my high school experiences, I can't say with any definitiveness whether any single event was good or bad. Hindsight is twenty twenty, and everything has helped mold me into who I am today. Whether it was pressure pushing me on all sides, forcing me to change shape, or parts of me I wanted in place being shaved off, or simply the growing pains that everyone experiences, what I've come to realize is I don't know anything. And because I don't know anything, I have everything to learn. And I am now in a position to learn everything... [but not in a weird Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull kind of way] with nothing but the wind to my back, and my learning experiences to push me forward in directions that I should go.

In other news, I wish that graduating from high school was a get out of jail free card to emotional maturity. But I guess that comes with time, and moving the heck away from here.

I'm Not Bleeding On The Inside.

2009-05-16T13:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my last day of high school EVER! I'm so glad.
Also, yesterday I got my hair dyed, and at the same time had a great therapy session. Sean, my new stylist, is AMAZING. And he did a great time. I recommend him to everyone who even needs a haircut... And his prices are really reasonable. His salon is in Bodyworks Gym.
And last night i got to hang out with Tara. So much fun! We went to the NPC art show, then to Native New Yorker for dinner. I love hanging out with that girl. :]
My sweet little Grammy and Grandpa are in town! They're darling, and Grammy was my little best friend the whole time I was a littlie. I love her. :]
And the best of all...

DING, DONG, THE WITCH IS DEAD!!!
Wow! Talk about an awesome plot twist! I always thought that she was a freakin stupid... Ugh. I can't come up with the right words for what a jerk she is... But Eloise always has been STOOPID. I'm sooo glad she's dead. And Bobby's still around! But even if Bobby had died, and Cas hadn't been a total BAMF and saved Dean, nothing could be better than the boys ending the episode in each other's arms. to quote someone far more obsessed than me:
ANYONE WHO EVER THOUGHT THAT SAM WINCHESTER DIDN'T LOVE DEAN UNTIL THE EFFING ENDS OF THE UNIVERSE WAS TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY WRONG.
Trufax.

Anyways, loved it.

And tonight to a party with Tea, after seeing my Sunbeam and raiding Shay's stuff. Love!

xoxo!

Oh Please...

2009-05-13T11:27:00.000-07:00

I'm in love.
:]
With this movie! There is not enough happy in the world, more specifically, in my world.
Tomorrow is the last day of school. EVAR. Well, until college at least. Last day of high school.
Can't wait to be finished.

Back on track.
This video made me CRY. Too much beautiful.
I need to smile more. :]

Real blog someday soon.

Dear Kripke: Mission Accomplished.

2009-05-09T15:37:00.000-07:00

Actually, I stole that from Missyjack on livejournal.

But SERIOUSLY!! I'm pretty sure after last night, I will NEVER be happy again.
Ever.

And to make things worse, I can't even post the video. But here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8LTbXMF_s4

Ten, Nine, Eight, Seven...

2009-05-06T17:29:00.000-07:00

Ten things you wish you could say to ten different people.

10. Way to suck at everything ever. I'll be hanged if I let you drag me down with you.
9. I blame you for single-handedly giving me the ulcer I'm sure is developing.
8. You are emotionally immature. That is NOT MY FAULT, and I need to stop letting it get to me.
7. Actually, I did mean it.
6. I can't put anything here, because there's nothing I wouldn't say to you.
5. Thanks for being a tool to the nth degree. My absloute adoration officially ends... Now. No, now. Now. Then.
4. I wish I could be there for you more than I am... As it is, I love you to bits and can't wait to get more of you.
3. You break my heart when you're not who I know you to be. I'm not sure which of us you're lying to.
2. Every day, I have to remind myself to forgive you. Never works.
1. You're not who I thought you were. Cliche, I know, but it hits me every time, and hurts me every time.

Nine things about myself.
9. I don't have the budget or figure to dress the way I'd like to.
8. I don't sugar coat anymore.
7. Yep, I Twitter. AND I LIKE IT.
6. I've not had my phone a month, and I am totally dependent on it.
5. I am so incredibly eclectic, I can't even follow me most of the time.
4. Billy Joel is one of my favorite singers... EVER.
3. I'm single, and right now I wouldn't have it any other way.
2. I'm slowly but surely cutting everyone out of my life that doesn't need to be there. Nothing- actually, yeah. It is personal.
1. I love ellipses.

Eight ways to win my heart.
8. Make me laugh.
7. Make me laugh.
6. Make me laugh.
5. Make me laugh.
4. Make me laugh.
3. Make me laugh.
2. Make me laugh.
1. Save my life.

Seven things that cross my mind a lot.
7. y=-(sin(x^(1.7/6)+4)+(1/x))+10 [bahahaha... Prolly only Sunbeam will get this.]
6. Random lyrics.
5. Squee!
4. BORED.
3. Only seven more days... Seven more days... Seven more days...
2. Why are we not making out right now? Right. You're dumb.
1.

Six things I do before I fall asleep
6. Take out contacts.
5. Brush teeth/put in retainer
4. Pray.
3. Roll over six times. More or less.
2. Snuggle with bear, usually Pip.
1. Set alarm clock.

Five people who mean a lot (in no particular order).
5. Mom
4. Dad [both of them]
3. Kathy
2. Sisters
1. Me. :]

Four things you're wearing right now.
4. AE jeans
3. leather bracelet
2. black tank top
1. skivvies.

Three songs that you listen to often.
3. Anything Iron and Wine
2. The Quiz, Hello Saferide
1. Popular, Wicked [sadie is doing it for a talent show]

Two things you want to do before you die.
2. COMICON.
1. Get married... rafta and all. :]

One confession.
1. I, obviously, open my heart FAR too easily. It's a habit i'm trying to break.

Are you there? it's me, cass.

2009-05-04T21:56:00.001-07:00

Holding Out For A Hero

2009-04-27T18:11:00.000-07:00

Psh... In my dreams. But i've decided to be far too picky... I refuse to settle. My 'the boy' is gonna have to be one special fella, and until I find him... Well, I'm okay with being 'the boy' less. :D
I said that to Sarah Love, a few days back. And I hold to it.

.

Honestly, we joke about it, well... I joke about it. About how there never seem to be any good guys out there, or how "you always seem to have guys pop up out of nowhere." "Yeah, but none of them seem to stick." "The problem isn't you, it's the entire male population."

Maybe, just maybe, it's not a problem. I have spent the last, oh, five years, compulsively in a relationship. if I didn't have a boyfriend, or at least someone I liked, I felt like I was a failure. I've always been desperately romantic... Definitely to a fault.

For the first time in my LIFE, I am on my own. And I'm realizing, it's not all that bad. Not even close, in fact. I'm happy, I am complete. I'm the normal one for once, the one that people ask advice from. [Well, more often than not I shove it down their throats, not so much them asking for it] But I am happy.

I realize now that I've spent my whole life settling. I have been content.
THIS. IS. WRONG.
I'm not saying the boys I've liked have been mediocre, in fact, I think I've had some pretty great boys in my life. But there was always- or almost always- a 'but...' Obviously all was not well in paradise, because we've ended things for one reason or another. I pride myself on the fact that I've never back slid, every boy has been more compatible with me than the last, and that I have always walked away saying I learned something. I appreciate this.

I am now at a rather strange- well, strange for me- point in my life. I am happy... by myself. I'm strong, independent, and uncomplicated. I look back at the times in my life when I have felt the opposite of this, and it's always when I let another person have control over my moods, feelings, anything. I wonder why I ever put myself in that position..
Until a cute boy winks at me, of course.

And sure, sometimes I get lonely. I see couples together, and it hurts my heart to know that there's a 2% chance that I will be like that again in high school. But then I see other things... I see people hurting each other, stabbing them in wounds just to see how loud they will scream, and then people just drifting apart, growing up and leaving each other behind. These sometimes hurt the most, the unintentional hurts.

Don't think this makes me a crazy cynic who doesn't believe in happiness.. Far from it, in fact. I now believe in it more fully than before. I believe, wholeheartedly, that real love transends high school. Sure, you can find it here, but honestly? Of the three couples that I was dead sure I would be getting wedding announcements from? Not one of the three have made it through this year.

So this is it.
I am going to be happy, be free, be myself.
I'm not going to change just because I think it will make some random guy like me, because seriously?
If he doesn't fall head over heels for me the way I am, it is NOT my loss.

And I'm not going to waste my time sitting around waiting for a hero. There isn't much of a call for damsels in distress lately. I've got to be the kind of person who will attract the kind of person I want. It's a process, don'tcha know? :]

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day...

2009-04-23T22:28:00.000-07:00

That somehow ended up going so right. :]

School was somewhat awful... Srsly, I don't know when it was announced behind my back that all of the sudden everyone would be totally dumb today-
Oh, that's right.
The minute they announced that RETARDED abomination of a theatrical production would go on.
That's gonna put me in a real dandy mood.
But obviously, the entire dang drama department made it abundantly clear that if you're not currently involved, you should have no say whatsoever, no matter how much experience or how good of ideas you have.
But that's the bitter old hag in me digressing...
Aside from that, my chemistry class just plain sucks. Also, the new lunch crew... Where did they come from? Remember when it used to be the cool kids were in Ms. Abel's? The freakin good old times! ;]

I was tardy [by thirty seconds!!] to Photo third hour, so Tea and I just ditched [shhh... Don't tell!] and went shopping and spilling our guts in a car wash. I've decided those are the coolest places on Earth, by the way... I want to make out in one!
Photo, Fredley's, mostly uneventful...
Except for a really good talk with Shay. She gave me this jewel of a piece of advice:

Let it in.
Let it stay.
Let it go.

It's amazing, no? Deep, in a way that you could completely overlook if you tried hard enough. They are simple words, but words to be pondered in a moment of turmoil, or hurt, or simply sitting and breathing.

Also, here's another quote from Lamb that I would very much like to incorporate in my life:

When you sit, sit.
When you breathe, breathe.
When you work, work.
When you play, play.

Thoughts, anyone?

Anyways, after a completely despondent day, Ben and I went on an AWESOME adventure, that included- but was not limited to- breaking into [kind of] a one room schoolhouse from 1900, splashing in puddles [albeit in a car], finding a Polaroid camera, NOT driving when the road is flooded, and tailgating [right word?] Ms. Abel, and Mrs. Lewis.
All around, charming.

Then my darling little Lillith bought me an Icee! As if the day needed to get better, let's pump sugar into me and then send me to Ms. Abel's to...

WATCH SUPERNATURAL!
Ugh. It was NOT, in fact, the Trickster.
It was a lame filler, and we are not pleased, precious.
But I loved hanging out with my beffie... Who wouldn't?

Anyways... It was a day that was made good.
I would like to get better at making good on my own, ya know? Perception is 90% of life.
Or, as an old man far wiser than me says,
"There is nothing good or bad, only thinking makes it so."

She was a smart girl, until she fell in love.

2009-04-21T11:48:00.000-07:00

Let's pretend we're artists and everything we feel is something new to be proud of. Let's take our imaginary friends on a double date and ditch them in a movie and hope they get along while we kiss outside on the sidewalk. Let's take the dreams you mumbled in your sleep and paint a child's nursery. And if we don't finish today, we've always got tomorrow.

I'm pretty sure I don't have much to say... Except that I graduate one month from today. CANNOT FREAKING WAIT. I am so ready to be out of this high schol, away from all the freaking drama, and get into good. I need some good. While I like being the stable one for once-- hey, it's a new experience, being the go-to because I'm not buckets of crazy-- but I miss being part of something. I know it's dumb to want to be in a relationship the last, what, four weeks of high school, but...

And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.
-Sylvia Plath

I’m lost and looking for the sky, for moving parts and a place that doesn’t rust. For wheels that burn and a world that turns. For a road that phantom cars still drive down while lovers long lost feel wind that’s blown too long in silver hair. You are the only map I know.

This is what scares me:

I'm scared of losing my nerve, of wanting to stay. Of letting my reasons to stay keep me from my reasons to leave:

Stay:
Ms. Abel.
Family.
Scared.
Stability.
Mom.
Friends.

Leave:
Get out of here, and never have to come back.

Doodle.

2009-04-19T22:56:00.000-07:00

If it weren't for your maturity none of this would have happened, if you weren't so wise beyond your years I would've been able to control myself.
If it weren't for my attention you wouldn't have been successful and if it weren't for me you would never have amounted to very much
Ooh this could be messy, but you don't seem to mind.
Don't go telling everybody, and overlook this supposed crime
We'll fast forward to a few years later, and no one knows except the both of us.
And I have honored your request for silence, and you've washed your hands clean of this.

Just make sure you don't tell on me especially to members of your family
We best keep this to ourselves and not tell any members of our inner posse
I wish I could tell the world cause you're such a pretty thing when you're done up properly... I might want to marry you one day if you watch that weight and keep your firm body.

Alanis Morissette, where have you been all my life?

This Is A Twice In A Lifetime Experience!

2009-04-19T19:43:00.000-07:00

Prom=Awesome!
Day Date=Awesome!
In the reverse order, of course.

Jeremy came and picked me up at 8:15 [@%$#$^$#] luckily I woke up fifteen minutes earlier, and was good to go. We met everyone else at Daniel's house- Daniel and Laney, Jeff and Jessica, and Victoria, whose date would show up later- and went to Denny's. Unfortunately, I didn't think to pull a Tennessean accent this time, like I did last year for prom. But I did eat Pancake Puppies, which were pretty much DELICIOUS. Then we were off to a picture scavenger hunt in Walmart! Jeremy, Victoria and I basically ROCKED it... Pictures up as soon as I get them.
After that we headed over to Jeff's house to watch Pirates of the Carribean and eat Top Ramen. Then on to the SECRET ADVENTURE....
A POTC Van war!
Let me explain: Two groups [Jeremy, me, Victoria, and Jacob] were in one minivan, and Daniel, Laney, Jeff and Jessica were in the other. We each had one sliding door open, and through that door we launched water balloons at each other with water balloon launchers. Our van was the Black Pearl, and we CONQUERED. :D
Then off to get ready... After NPC kinda ruined my hair, my poor darling mother had to do it and redo it like five times before I was satisfied... That woman. I don't know many others who could put up with me as much as she does.
So around 6:30 Jeremy came over, I was all spiffed up, and we headed for dinner. Lacanos was pretty fun...
"I really like Mediterranean food."
"Oh yeah? Like what?"
"Ya know, like pita, hummus, falafel..."
"I'd bet it would be better if it was falawesome."
And I just loved our group. We were so much fun!

The dance its self was actually WAY cooler than I thought. I was like... Pool? Count me out. But it looked so cool! Fog machines, and floating lights, and sooo many twinkle lights that didn't twinkle!

We jammed the WHOLE TIME! My poor date... I'm such a floater. We'd be dancing, everything chill, then a song would come on and I'd run over to Tea, or Jess, and leave him standing. With warning, of course, but hey. I've gotta jam to 'Right Round' with my gurrrl... and the whole song we were missing you, Karadoll! We danced with an empty space and pretended it was you, beautiful. :]
Oh, and get this: My parents totally showed up! How awesome was that??? I know, I'm a total dork... But I was so excited! I made them say hello to everyone, and all the girls showed off their dresses.
After the dance, we headed to Denny's, and while we were waiting for drinks, the adrenaline rush totally wore off and we were DEAD. We were there with our group, then Tea's group. They got a cake, and we got tired even looking at them lift their forks.
It was a good tired, though, until I started mouthing off... I'm pretty sure someone spiked my Razzdango, because one minute we were all laughing, and the next thing I know, i'm waxing philosophical about how sleep is just a habit, and how we aren't physically strenuous enough anymore to really need sleep. Luckily, I think everyone just kinda ignored me. :D
Got home at nearly one, and all in all... Good dance. Good day. Good friends.

To Every Boy I've Ever Loved.

2009-04-16T13:08:00.000-07:00

But it's SO true.
They have all, every one of them, contributed to making me the person I am. Either by introducing me to new viewpoints, or teaching me something about the world, or people around me, or even just by being a bounceboard for some of my craziness, every boy has helped shape me.
And what's more, by leaving me behind, they've let me rest more on myself. They've made me stronger, by teaching me that, in the end, I have to be myself. I cannot create and recreate myself based on what one person thinks I should be. I can learn what they have to teach me, but at the end of the day, I am the one who will live with my and the person I am becoming.
And I hope to love myself every step of the way.
:]

Leave At Your Own Chosen Speed.

2009-04-13T18:57:00.000-07:00

I'm not the one you want, babe, you're not the one I need.
Pretty much I love this song. It's very much... Me. And it's so cool... I'm teaching my little sisters all about the 'good stuff' of life. They've gotten a taste of Ray Charles, Johnny Cash, and Cake so far. Anyone have suggestions?

Also, Benny, do you still have my New Found Glory CD that this is on? I can't find it.

I might not be at school tomorrow. Mom's got to get a root canal, and I'm gonna have to drive her down... If I'm lucky. :D

Prom is on Saturday... SO EXCITED!

Also, I'm addicted again.....

Hello Lolla

2009-04-11T09:18:00.000-07:00

"You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book, or you take a trip, and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness. The second symptom (when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure. That is all. It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death. Millions live like this (or die like this) without knowing it. They work in offices. They drive a car. They picnic with their families. They raise children. and then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song, and it awakens them and saves them from death.”

Here I go, blog stalking again... hellololla.com has some of the most beautiful photographs and quotes, and I just love it.

It's raining here in the valley of the sundress and low rise jeans, and I love it.
But something in me is craving summer...

This summer is going to be especially MADE OF AWESOME.
Because....

And

With a dash of

As if there were words.

Mews!!

2009-04-08T16:49:00.000-07:00

1. I'm going to prom! Yays!! I'm going with Jeremy Webb, which should be fun, and in a group with Daniel and Laney [oh, the irony gods...] and Victoria and Jacob Hofeling. It should be awesome. Also, I'm wearing my midnight blue and silver dress... I think it's better that way.

2. SIX MORE WEEKS!!! Five, if you don't count senior trip [which I won't.] So FIVE MORE WEEKS!! But who's counting?

3. I got a new notebook! I filled up my blue one, and the new one is bright green. LOVE!

4. I was called as the Laurel Class President last week... Whoo. But I'm gonna learn to love them if it's the last thing I do.

5. My life is pretty boring... Hence the lack of blogging. I go to school, I go home, I usually hang out with Teannasaurus and Ms. Abel, I develop stupid schoolgirl crushes on people I really shouldn't, I seem to be constantly coming up with talks and insights for church and seminary.

6.I wish you would step back off that ledge, my friend. Stupid codependency flaring up... I just want to save everyone. It sucks. You'd think I would've learned something from Lamb. [LOVED!]

7. Also, this is probably one of my new favorite songs... thanks, Hair!
You belong among the wildflowers, you belong in a boat out at sea, sail away kill off the hours, you belong somewhere you feel free

Be Careful What You Wish For...

2009-04-01T14:53:00.000-07:00

Because you just might get it.

Stupid gosh darn Pussycat Dolls got that song stuck in my head, and it won't get out.

Ms. Abel Told Me There Would Be Days Like This...
I just kept thinking it while I sat and listened to sad songs last night... I never thought I'd break out my Dixie Chicks CD again, but... Oops. I didn't just admit that.
But seriously, last night was one of those days that you just want to crawl under the covers and NEVER. COME. OUT.

I'm better now... And I've started waking up early. Weird, huh? But I go to sleep around eight, and I wake up at five, and get to sit and light candles and listen to Julie London [Dax, I adore you for hooking me up] and meditate.
Doesn't get much better than that.

But all in all, I'm going to be much more careful about my wishing from now on...

Hell is having everything you ever wanted.

I Am...

2009-03-24T13:57:00.000-07:00

Madly in love with Ireland.
I've also taken nearly five hundred pictures... Of course. What did you expect?
But my favorite this far has been The Cliffs of Moher. They're beautiful beyond description.
Also Galway.
Also Dublin.
Also the beds and breakfasts we've stayed at... Even though they're FREEZING.
Also the people... They are AMAZING! So nice!
More when I get home.
Love you, miss you!
CHEERS!

Wa-Hoo!

2009-03-18T17:35:00.000-07:00

I feel so good!
Tea and I went to the pool, and just kinda worked out... It felt so good! I feel way... Impowered? New deal, I'm going to do that forever until I look good enough to wear that swimsuit. [Well, I already do, but still. I like FEELING like I look good enough to wear that.]

Today was, in a word, good.

I'm trying to get all the blogging I can out of my system before I leave [IN EXACTLY ONE DAY AND TWO HOURS!!! WHOO!] because I won't have a computer in Europe. I'm going to miss you all so much!

Gotta go pack.
Whoo!

Vaugely Dissatisfied.

2009-03-17T20:43:00.000-07:00

But definitely not suprised.
To quote one of my favorite books 'I couldn't even come up with a new way to pave my road to hell.'

This is the story of the three of us, down by the water and the tide is rising, this world is burning and I'm terrified, I need a little more time with you, oh, I just need a little more time with you.

Today, after school, I was sitting in Ms. Abel's room with her and Blake, and it just hit me that I probably won't see Blake or Shay after this summer ever again. [Naturally, I promptly burst into tears. Poor Blake... I don't think anyone on earth has seen me cry as much as that boy.]
I mean... How dreadfully sad is that? And Kara... I won't get to watch her grow up. [I mean, Doll, you're already growing, but I won't see you get the tough layer of skin that high school is bound to give you.] I will change, and I won't even recognize the person I will become. Or the person I was.

But at least I'll get some variety, right? Actually have a chance to pick my poison, instead of going with the same old boring... Well, ya know.

A day and a half... That's all I have left. If I can make it through another day and a half, I will make my escape. And after that, only seven weeks.

I'm so in love with this photo...

Was I The Moth, Or The Flame?

2009-03-17T11:07:00.000-07:00

Thank you, angels.
:]

I cannot freaking wait... I leave for Ireland in TWO DAYS!! Actually, we leave for Phoenix, then London [squee!] then on Monday we'll be in Dublin. :]

Of course, leave it to the Doctor to freak the heck out of me... Turns out in Ireland there are crazy terrorists who burn your cars, or if you don't get out fast though, they just throw a bomb in and you DIE.
So... I love you all? I hope I can see you all before I go, because if I die, I want to have nice memories of everyone.

This weekend was awesome, basically... Loved hanging out with Tea and Kara, and random hanging out with Dax. And I finished 'The Book Thief' which I am pretty sure that everyone alive needs to read.

I wish my Sundays were as good as the rest of my weekends... But now that I don't see Ms. Abel anymore, there's absloutely NO REASON for me to even like Sundays. SAD.

Erin Go Braugh.

My little brother is learning about the Beatles, and it's about the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life... Whenever I get grouchy at him, he says 'Hey, remember? George, Paul McCartney, John Lennon, and... Um... The drummer, Star!' And I just hug him.

I'm sure I've got so much more to say, I've been saving things and now they've just all disappeared.

If I could, I would swallow your pain, and bring you home on a passenger train...

But Ms. Abel's back! Yays!

kthxbye.

2009-03-12T19:28:00.000-07:00

It's the song, actually, I just happened to find a video with my two TV boyfriends that goes with this song that I'm in love with...
I'm pretty sure I could not love this blog entry anymore, unless it got awesome comments. lol.

LOVE!!!!

and now I'm heading over to Teanna's... And I will FINALLY be able to get a good night's sleep, because I won't be daydreaming about tonight FINALLY happening.
And after tomorrow night, everything in the world will be better.
Well, at least less stressful.

Growing Pains.

2009-03-11T22:09:00.000-07:00

I dunno what it is about this week/month, but it seems that change is just bursting at the seams.

- I've been watching Phantom of the Opera the last couple of days; I checked it out of the library. This makes me feel like an awful drama kid, but I think I might be changing from Team Phantom to *gulp, don't hit me* Team Roul.
First off, I'd just like to say that I think Christine is the MOST overrated character on Broadway. Am I the only one who's realized that she's completely INSANE?!? I mean yeah, she's got the voice of an angel [no pun intended] but seriously? She hears a creepy old guy voice when she's praying and nah, she doesn't freak out, she FALLS IN LOVE WITH IT. And Phantom... He will forever hold a place in my heart, but he would've only dragged her down into the depths of his dark despair.

-Eleven weeks exactly. Until I am done with high school forever.
Don't ask me how I feel about it, because as excited as I am to just be finished with all the STUPID DRAMA, and people, and everything... This is all I've really known, ya know? When it actually comes and is over with, I'm sure I'll wonder what I was afraid of, but for now... gulp.

- This song
is the reason I first wanted to go to Galway, and now I go and find out it's basically Ireland's version of Jerome. Can this please just be my heaven?

-My goal for this trip is to meet and kiss an Irish boy.
I'm pretty psyched about that... Even if it's just a waiter on the cheek or something, I want very much to get some international action. ;]

- For those of you who haven't heard, my little dog Sammy died on Saturday. We're all pretty upset about it... We loved him alot. We got him when I was a freshman, and it's so weird not having him around. Obviously, I was pretty attached. But everything happens for a reason, right? Everything happens for a reason.

-It's really hitting senior crunch time. On Friday [oh yeah, that would be day after tomorrow] I have:
Senior research project due.
Ireland essay for my parents due.
Photos printed, matted and submitted for NPC photography contest due.
Ask me again how much of that I have done?
Oh, I'm such a procrastinator. I get a thrill off the deadlines, I know.

-
In preparation for this trip, we are all waking up at 5 AM this week, and FOUR STINKIN AM so the jet lag won't be as bad when we get there, which is a good thing.
At the same time... IT'S FREAKIN FIVE O'CLOCK. So if Cupcake falls asleep during class... Blame the Irish. :D

-Speaking of, apparently some kids in my English class have resurrected that nickname? Of course, they definitely don't do the full name Ms. Abel gave me [cupcakebutterflyrainbowsunshinebaby] but I still think it's adorable. Something about pet names just makes my heart smile.

-And while we're on the topic of heart smiles... :]

Night, all.

They're Just Thoughts, So Go Ahead And Speak.

2009-03-01T16:42:00.001-08:00

-When I was a baby, I had one of those nifty electric swings that you can put the kid in and they'll be set for hours. I used it until I was too big, then passed it on to Sadie. I wasn't even necessarily attached to the swing, I didn't think about it much; It was just a staple in the corner of our tiny living room.
Until the fateful day that the battery in the swing died.
Now, normal people, when a battery dies, they change it. and that's what the 'rents were going to do. I, on the other hand, am NOT normal. I wouldn't let them throw the battery away! I held onto it, cried, and screamed when anyone got close. I kept it under my bed for a few months, until I grew out of that stage and let my mom throw it away.
Does this say something about how adverse I am to change?
VERY.
My ward just changed today. I was really looking forward to it, honestly... There aren't many people in my ward that I like. But they took away Sister Smith, my young women's leader, and my bishop and his family [Daniel and Becca Williams]. They were the only ones I wanted to keep, really. And they're gone. My heart? A little broken up.

-We talked on the phone exactly ONCE. So why is it that my heart broke a little when i heard your name? I don't even know what you look like.

-

- I hate reminding myself 'He's just not that into you, he's just not that into you, he's just not that into you'... Because, darn it, I wish he was. Never mind all the stupid signs, that should make it blantantly obvious that I'm wasting my time. I. DON'T. CARE. [um, well, ya see... I just let tea borrow the copy of HJNTIY, obviously.]

- This is pretty cool... Sam sent it to me, but I think I would appreciate it more if I was high:
http://www.bornmagazine.org/projects/whystayup/project.html

- I'm hungry. And tired. And poor.

- On the plus side... I just found out that I have the SAME FAVORITE SONG as Jensen Ackles:

It's Like The Clouds Have Parted.

2009-02-25T16:25:00.000-08:00

... And God came down, and said:
DUH.

This book has changed my life, no lies.

Seriously.
How many hours, days even, has any one given girl spent justifying, making up excuses for why a guy didn't call her, didn't come over, doesn't want to meet the family? It's because
He's JUST NOT INTO ME.

It's not that he's tortured, he can be as 'damaged' as he wants.
If he's interested, he's going to act like it.
If he's not, then why on earth would I waste my time?

WHY DID SOMEONE NOT GIVE ME THIS BOOK MY FRESHMAN YEAR?!?!?!

Anyways, I just wanted to let everyone know, if you're female, BUY THIS BOOK. I'm borrowing the one I'm reading, but I WILL actually buy my own copy.
Which is a big deal for me; I usually don't buy books, I just borrow them.
But seriously, it's like I've been so blind my whole life...

I mean, I am awesome. And I deserve to spend my time/effort on someone who's going to spend the same amount of time/effort on me that I am him.
And 'it's better than nothing' is NOT good enough anymore.

Whoo girl power!!!

:]

Do One Thing Everyday That Scares You.

2009-02-19T19:44:00.001-08:00

Check, and check.

Seriously though, I LOVE it!! New haircut brings more joy than new shoes... Almost. But I got a pair of those a while back, too.

So, this song has been stuck in my hair ALL DAY:
I know this pretty rave girl
always thinkin' 'bout her
and when she says hi to me
butterfly's go right through me
and when I see her dancin'
wanna take a chance in
getting a little closer
and maybe get to know her

Makes me want to go to a dance and bust a move.

Everyday Should Be A Holiday.

2009-02-17T15:22:00.000-08:00

And it was... But this was a special holiday.

This is the first Valentine's Day, I think of my entire life, that I thoroughly enjoyed.
After putting around Jerome, we drove down to Prescott... It was kinda a bust, but it was really fun to just walk around and see all the little shops and the clock tower where Back To The Future was filmed... Neato. We ended up getting bored and leaving early, though, which was the BEST choice EVER.

We drove down to Anthem, to Amy's house, and picked up strawberries and chocolate, then threw on our swim suits and headed for the HOT TUB!
Miss Amy turned in after a while, but Shay and I stayed up until around 1 AM, just talking and giggling and venting and confiding... It was amazing. I was able to let loose about so many things that I haven't been able to tell ANYONE about... And I love it. It was so cleansing, ya know?
So that was my V-Day, the next day we had a blast making goodies, taking naps, then meeting up with Dad and getting all dolled up and going out to dinner, then we came back and watched 'Tool Academy'... Can I just tell you how freaking funny that show is? It makes me want a boyfriend just so I can put him on there. 'course, I don't think I'd ever EVER date anyone like those guys...
Um. I guess I should say I won't ever EVER date anyone like that again. Ha.

Woke up Monday, met up with Mom and went shopping.
Oh Ross, oh Ross, wherefore art thou Ross?
I got an adorable blue trench coat, and bought my sexy librarian shoes! Hurray! I've wanted a pair forEVER, and these were only TEN BUCKS! Yay and a half.
Also, I got Lord of the Rings: Two Towers: Extended Edition for... Drumroll please...
FOUR DOLLARS AND NINTEY NINE CENTS.
Yes, I'm awesome.
I know.

Then drove home, dropped Shay off, and got home.

All in all, this has been such an amazing weekend. Thanks a bizillion to Shay and Amy, and Dad, who all made it possible.

On A More Somber Note...

2009-02-17T06:09:00.000-08:00

I'll get back to my amazing weekend in a bit, but I just wanted to let everyone know that Sunday, February 15th, my great grandpa Bob Hanna passed away. He's been ready to go for some time, years even. But he's been a big part of my life, especially since I moved to Arizona. He's Dad's grandpa, and lived in Gilbert for years and years, but he's being buried in Pittsburgh, where he spent most of his life.
He was a member of the Pittsburgh Fire Department, and his house reflected it... He had hoses and hats and little fire trucks all over. That and everyone's favorite cookie jar: It was a little fireman, and it yelled at you when you opened it up to take a cookie.
I blogged about him back in June, we weren't sure if he would make it much past then. But he survived the holidays, which is what he really wanted.
Grandpa Bob always took a real interest in me, and he always asked the important stuff: How's school, how's the weather, and how rich is your boyfriend. He told me all the time 'Don't you give your heart away until you've checked out his bank account first. It don't matter if he's good lookin, you can't pay the bills on good lookin.'
Unfortunately, I never really had anyone to tell him about, rich or otherwise... Probably because I always seem to end up in the valley right after a break up. [Really, that's when I need it the most, but still.]
Anyways, I just wanted to say that I love Grandpa Bob, and I'm glad he's out of pain, and we'll miss him something fierce.

There Are No Words.

2009-02-16T19:13:00.000-08:00

This last weekend has been such an incredible healing experience.
I truly cannot put into words how good it has been for me. But I can tell you everything that happened, and I can show you the 300 odd pictures we took. :]

Around two on Friday, Amy got to my place and we started the 3 hour drive to Jerome, up switchbacks and at the very tip top of a mountain. It, literally, it at the top of the world. It was twisty, turny, and all around stomach turning... But so incredibly worth it. We finally started seeing little... Cottages, almost, brightly colored, and old fashioned cars, and people with dreadlocks that looked like they had taken a wrong turn at Woodstock, and Shay knew she had found her Nirvana.
We found our bed and breakfast, The Surgeon's House. The story is that back in the day, the 1800's, there was a hospital and something happened and now it's all haunted, well this is the doctor's house. But it was the farthest thing from pristine or surgical. The owner, Andrea, greeted us with big hugs and showed us around her beautiful house, and made sure we knew that Mother Earth was looking after all her fishes, and that fairies lived in the gardens.
I have never known something to be truer.
That night we ate dinner at the Haunted Hamburger and got -what else?- daiquiris. Then we went into Amy's room, and did a cute little photo shoot in some of the hold decorations, nightgowns and such, and just stayed up and giggled. It was silly and wonderful... Exactly what the doctor ordered. I know it sounds silly, but somehow, being up there at the top of that mountain, waking up to a wall painted like the sea, eating a fantastic [all vegetarian] breakfast, and being there with Miss Amy, who is one of the coolest, least judgemental people I know... I felt so safe. Like nothing could reach me, no heartache or stress or pain could find me here in this purple room overlooking a fairy garden.
Next day we shopped around Jerome, which was absolutely a blast. My favorite part was the House of Joy... An old whorehouse converted into a cute little shop, where I bought these totally cool 1950's cat eye sunglasses.

Samthecomputer is being lame, so I'm gonna have to cut short this one... But Jerome: Part Duex is coming very son to a blogspot near you!

is in hysterics

2009-02-12T16:25:00.000-08:00

Why life is wonderful:

-Amy had to leave, but they hired back a lady who used to work here, so I don't have to totally stress! Yay!

- http://anteka.livejournal.com *snorts* laugh, laugh, laugh at this Supernatural spoof. Love Plastic!Winchester Theater.

-Hanging with Kara for a little bit today... Not as much as I would've liked, but it was somethin. I freakin miss that girl!

-Speaking of missing... Ms. Abel. Miss her more than life. How on God's green earth am I going to survive next year? *is in not good hysterics* But next week, lady... You+MeXThe Coupling=WONDERFUL!

-Parent teacher conferences went wonderfully... As & Bs in all my classes!

-"Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within."
-Sigmund Freud

-finallyseeing.tumblr.com

-Tomorrow is the big day! Amy, Shay and I are taking off, kids. I'm going to spend all tonight repacking, and repacking again... I want to have the perfect outfits for the perfect weekend. I cannot wait. To get out, to get away, and to come home and be less stressed.

-Tonight is Supernatural night at Tea's! Yayz!

-So, get this. Tea, Bee and I are throwing a superhero couples party! Where everyone is assigned a superhero to dress up as, and we go, and it's amazing. I got Spiderman and MJ, which on one hand made me SO HAPPY [see promises blog, and also my kissing list] and on the other hand, I'm wondering how exactly I got the short end of this stick? I mean, Not only is he a total whiner, but Spiderman SOLD HIS MARRIAGE to MJ to SATAN. I'm not exaggerating, I read it in a Cracked article [which automatically means it's true?] But it should still be cool. So if anyone knows where I can get me some webslinging action... Hook a girl up. =]

I've Never Been There, But I Know The Way...

2009-02-09T21:07:00.000-08:00

This is my music these days... If I could find more Stephen Ashbrook, I'd put it up... Seriously guys, check him out.
If I could have one song to be a boyfriend, it would be his song 'Lullaby'... I'll get the lyrics when I'm with Miss Amy next.
So, like, THIS WEEKEND!!! ^.^

Today the other Amy, the one who's The Doc's receptionist, told us she's putting in her week notice. Her husband has dropped his basket [worse than I EVER did] and is moving away. So yours truly is going to be running the show... Yeah, prayers would be nice right about now.

Emilee, aka Lillith, made a chart in her Primary class this week, where she wrote down the names of everyone in her family, and a short description. For example, she wrote 'Mom: loves us the most.', 'Dad: hard worker.' and 'Sadie: pretty voice'.
Then she added in 'Cass: hugs and kisses boys.'
Good to know that's what my little sister is going to remember about me. ;]

In closing, I'd just like to do my new favorite thing:

List of Things That Make Me Happy:
rainy days. warm fuzzy blankets. having samthecomputer back. lyrics of songs that i can relate to. getting back old friends. beating clickomania. hot chocolate. pictures, as par the course. compliments, giving and getting. dresses with colored tights. ellipses.

Every Little Girl Is A Princess

2009-02-08T15:56:00.000-08:00

I'm in love with this picture... Why exactly is that not me?

So, I have a new favorite song... 'A Walk Through Hell' by Say Anything. It goes with my other new favorite song, 'I Want To Know Your Plans' by the same. But the lyrics go: I'd walk through hell for you, let it burn right through my shoes, these soles are useless without you, walk through hell for you, let the torturing ensue, this soul is useless without you.

First, this is TOTALLY the Dean song.
Secondly, it's a little strange I should like it as much as I do, as I've yet to meet a boy who I would burn my shoes for.

Great Blogs of Fire!

2009-02-05T11:40:00.001-08:00

"You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."
-Stephen Wright

First off... Holy crap, kids.
Can I just suggest something? If we want to say something to someone, just say it. Don't blog it... It opens you up to critizism.

Freakin drama-rama... Can't we all just get along?

Next.
I am more excited for next weekend than I can put into words. Shay, Amy and I are going to Jerome for the weekend. Just got this email from Miss Amy:
"Hey all is set for Jerome.
Bring something fancy for Sunday.
We are going to do one of our fun nights out.
You know... we are the only ones dressed up in a not so dressy place
Just because we can.
We'll have to come up with a silly reason in case asked.
Past reason #1 "just got released from prison"
Possible reason this time "It's my cats birthday""
BAM!!! Yay.
Expect approximately a BAZILLION pictures.

Next.
Sorry I seem to be on a blog a week spin... The 'rents took my computer away. HISSSS.

Next.
I am just now realizing how FRACKIN much I have to do before I leave. Things I need to teach, things I need to learn, pictures I need to take, people I need to be friends with, to-do lists I need to cross off. Relationships I need to fix.

Next.
“The world needs dreamers and the world needs doers. But above all, the world needs dreamers who do. ”

Next:
BAM. Heather and I are going to Morp. Guess this means we're friends again?
Oh, and guess what else? We're gonna wear my 'Nerdy' shirt. [She'll get her own, we're not both gonna... wear... one...]

Next:
"Your emotions could pull you all over the map today, Cancer, making it difficult to know exactly what to do. One moment you are ready to cash in your chips and walk away from what you have already gained. The next moment you are hard at work trying to figure out how to save everything. Although it might seem as if your decisions now are all-or-nothing, the truth is that there's a lot of middle ground for you to explore." Oh, hey thanks.

Next:
Love you. Miss you.
You too.

The Part Of The Game Where Miss Cass Astounds You All...

2009-01-29T18:26:00.000-08:00

With what a nice little Holly Homemaker she'll make someone someday.

-Put your orange/lemon peels down the food/garbage disposal... It will make your sink and kitchen smell wonderful and citrus-y.
-Witch Hazel... I swear by it. It evens out your skin, gets rid of zits, and probably would even solve world hunger if given the chance.
-Whiteboard markers write on, and wipe off, mirrors, making it easy to write notes where you'll see them easily.
- Washing clothes inside out will help them hold their color, and have less chance of bleeding or fading.
-Rice/corn bags work as amazing heating/cooling pads... And are totally organic, too!
-Best way to get rid of morning sickness? Saltines. No lie. Eat a little bit of carbs before you get moving around, and your stomach will settle.
-Don't box dye your hair... Just don't do it.
-Changing your shampoo every, oh, three or four months will keep your hair shiny and rotate what nutrients are going into your hair, and make it shiner and better looking. :]

Okay, I know this is a crap post... Don't care. I haven't anything worth writing, and that's enough of a tragedy that I think I'll carry it on my own, thanks.

Also, I'm kinda waiting for a kiss like this...

And for Monday's Gossip Girl! Looks crazy stylish. ^.^

A Novel Without A Hero.

2009-01-21T15:33:00.001-08:00

And with this, and a profound bow to his patrons, the Manager retires, and the curtain rises.
Vanity Fair.
I LOVE THIS BOOK.
It's incredible. I used to watch the 6 hour BBC version every summer, but it wasn't until I opened the book, and read the 'Before the Curtain' until I realized exactly what it meant.
I thought it was vanity because one is beautiful. But it's not... It's a fair! Like a carnival... It's an observation of human frailities, everything that we so mindlessly put on parade. But when we really stop to look at what it is we're doing... It's absurd! What we are willing to put ourselves through to be accepted in society, or even more so to conquer. And it asks the eternal question so few are willing to answer, or even acknowledge:
Which of us is happy in this world? Which of us has his desire? Or, having it, is satisfied?

A Truth.

2009-01-20T18:29:00.000-08:00

Not Anymore.

I need to giggle more. And smile more, and flirt more, and wear heels and dresses more.
Exactly what I want to do.

Look at how much time I've already missed! There's so much to be done! So many people to meet, smiles to give and receive, books to read, love to fall into.

What am I waiting for???

Cheery.

2009-01-16T10:06:00.000-08:00

So, I figured out why I'm kinda grouchy lately...
I am not who I want to be. I'm not living the life I want. And that's not anyone's fault but my own.
For a long time, it was because I didn't know what I wanted.
Then it was because I wasn't brave enough to take it. I didn't want to... Rock the boat, as it were.
Well, that's done.

I want to be old fashioned, timeless. Glamorous. I want lace and pastels.

crawford.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5291957636219151650" />

I want to live my life in soft focus.
Reality is great, sure.
Not.
I don't have long before I do have to go to real life, to grow up. But for now...

Roman Holiday, here I come.

By the way, I've done major house cleaning...
Anyone want any shoes/clothes/accessories?

They Told Me To Tell You To Hold On.

2009-01-15T10:11:00.001-08:00

My New New Year's Resolution:

Let Go.

Of my anger, my disappointment.
Inhibitions.
Emotional baggage.
Expectations.

I really wish I had something worth blogging about... My life has really kinda become rather monotonous. School, sometimes friends, home, dinner, homework, brush teeth, wash face, and wait for sleep to take me.

A friend of mine once told me about an idea for a movie short:
A man goes through his day [a lot like the one I just described] and goes to bed at night. The next day he does the same, but before he gets in bed he shoots himself in the head. The next day, he wakes up and goes through the same process.
Because his life was his hell.

I'm not saying my life is hell, not anything close. Just... I feel like I'm at a plateau in my life.
And that's terrifying.

I need to take Tara's advice, and...

Be the person I want to be.

My Miracles.

2009-01-09T16:45:00.000-08:00

Today, I am thankful for the little miracles that saved the day.

1. I woke up holding two teddy bears.
2. I am on at least joking terms with someone I swore up and down I'd never look at again. If being able to make 'that's what she said' jokes are as much of a friendship as we'll ever have again, I'm okay with that.
3. Dean's out of hell! Yay!
4. I think my best-est friend and I are back in the game... Together.
5. Those delicious little Nerd covered jelly beans.
6. Shay and I planned our escape... Jerome, here we come!
7. The lady who was supposed to cut my hair never showed... This is a good thing; I'm in no emotional state to do anything with my hair at the moment.
8. I got my ACT scores back... I got a 25? Which I guess is pretty good? I got a 32 in reading... Which is way good. ^.^
9. My little sister's singing and playing a song that I think she wrote for me. Which fulfills a requirement on my Bucket List.
10. I caught up with an old friend today, and it was more of a miracle than I ever thought possible.

More to come, I'm sure.
Thank you.
:]

This Is...

2009-01-05T07:11:00.000-08:00

The first day of the rest of my life.
The beginning of the end.
In the hour I have before school starts, this is the calm before the storm.

I'm only mildly freaking out.

:D

This Must Be It, Welcome To The New Year...

2009-01-03T23:15:00.000-08:00

So, I don't know about you all, but New Cassidi is confusing the heck out of me. :]
Change is hard, especially when you're the one doing the changing.
I think I like new Cass, but I'm still in the process of getting to know her.
I'm quieter, that's for sure.
I cares more in a lot of ways, and less in others.
I'm mostly more independent, in the sense that I'm willing to let go of lots of things. [She's not sure how she feels about this yet.]
I want to try harder to be a better person, like to work harder, be more... Accomplished? I started playing the piano again, and reading.
I'm more content to take a supporting role in groups, I don't feel the need to be the center of attention all the time. I think this means I'm less insecure, ya know? Like, I don't need to be constantly reminded that I'm good.
I play by the rules... For the most part. ;)

So many things are happening that make this all seem... Surreal, almost. I can't tell you exactly when everything started happening... I guess when things all fell apart, they had to put themselves back together, and this just happens to be the way things are rebuilding themselves.
I'm way unsettled tonight, sorry if it sounds like just a downer post... I just need to get back home, and need to try to work a lot of things out. In the last couple of days a few things have happened that need to be taken care of. I need to get over my confrontational issues and just go for it, right?

Haylee keeps saying that the only thing to be afraid of is being too afraid of doing anything at all. Well, that's true I'm sure, but sometimes it's so hard to not just put things neatly away in mental drawers and shut them, to put things away for later... Let them fester until it's too much to handle. I really should be better at that, at not being in denial.
But seriously, what do I have to be in denial about? No one has to tell me I have a pretty fantastic life. Sure, I have problems, but who doesn't? For every single problem I have, I personally know someone else who's got a similar problem, only worse. Well, almost every problem.
Blah. Now I'm just ranting about silly things.
I feel unsettled.
And I don't like going to sleep without a little bit of sugar before bed. ;D

But oh well, right? I'll have to deal with reality soon enough, I might as well enjoy my last day of break, right?

I'm in the valley, and I just saw Lion King! That was AMAZING. The costumes, the actors, the dances... I will never look at 'Can You Feel The Love Tonight' the same. I'll post pictures as soon as I get them, probably when I get home.

The Postcard That's Taped To The Freezer Reads Wish You Were Here.

2008-12-31T21:18:00.001-08:00

So, wow. This is my last chance to blog in 2008.
Crap, I've gotta come up with something beautiful and touching, right?
Hmmm.
It's 10:19 on New Year's Eve, and i'm sitting on my mom's bed in boxers and an old hockey jersey. I could [and should] be out partying with my nearest and dearest, but i've been so dang lethargic this week, I don't even want to pretend to have the energy to go out... Especially since i couldn't find metallic leggings to go with my AMAZING outfit I had picked out for tonight. [[That's so typical me... I had this perfect outfit all set up, and then i realized I don't own half of what I wanted to wear.]]
Something deep... Still working on it...
I've not left the house hardly at all since Sunday, aside from going to the doctor's yesterday.
But Saturday I'm going with Rachelle to LION KING!!! At Gammage! I'm so excited... Partly because the show will be AMAZING and partly because I'm happy to spend time with one of my best friends. I'm a complete flake, so we don't usually hang out much, but we're both so incredibly happy and girly and giddy, it'd be a shame to not enjoy it together.
Then Saturday Sam's coming home! I won't see him until I get back Sunday, but still... I'm ready for him to not be six hundred and fifty miles away. Silly, I know. Completely irrational. And I love it. :D

Crap, I've gotta quit procrastinating and just come up with something to say before it's too late!

So, I've gained quite a few people in my life this year... Tara [you sweet thing, I still owe you a message], Sammie [I'm going to have to call you that now, since Sam-the-Facebook-Wife is not longer accurate], all my friends from CHT [especially the St. Johns ones, and the few I've stayed in touch with... Mostly just Jacob], Hair [I'm so glad I got over my irrational dislike of you, because you're kinda just really REALLY awesome], Leah [girlfran!], the college kid [Nick, and especially Samtheboy] and so many others. I know I'm leaving so many out, but seriously? How incredibly blessed am I that in just one year I can name off the top of my head at least six people that I love [yep, even you Hair. :)] and hope to keep around for many years to come.
I've lost people too... Some of them were those people that you're absloutely sure you'll never be without, you know those? There were three people I started the school year out with knowing I would never lose... Of those three, I am now even on speaking terms with one. Some of that was my fault, and some of it was for the better. But wouldacouldashoulda won't get my anywhere, right? All I can do is be grateful for what was there and learn from it.

I wish there was a way for me to be with all of you, new and old, right now. If there was a way for me to hold on to you when the clock struck, find some way to seal friendships with a kiss on the cheek and hope it stayed until next new year, I'd do it. But this is as close as I get, a blog that probably only three or six of you will read.
Somehow, that's enough. That's part of life, right? You reach who you can, and you learn to let go of those you can't.

So, New Year! Yay! Shay made me want to get into resolutions, so there I go!

New Cass:
Loves more deeply.
Forgives more easily.
Doesn't let the drama-rama get to her.
Smiles at strangers.
Reads important books.
Writes more often, and better.
Laughs more, and more deeply.
Learns to let go what needs to be let go...
But hold on more fiercely to what she doesn't want to lose.
Calls people back.
Drinks more water.

How's that for goals?

Oh dear... Now I think I'm just ranting.

So... Here's to the hope that we're all still around next New Year.

Love you all. So much.

SENSORY OVERLOAD...

2008-12-28T20:03:00.001-08:00

There's too much happy in the air!
Seriously... Everyone's just so happy! Two of my best girls got boyfriends within, like, 24 hours of each other... Plus Sh-ake! My OTP are back together, and I am pretty much flippin GIDDY about that. I'm so happy for you guys!
And that's not even mentioning me and my absolutely obnoxious giddy Miss Sunshine mood lately. I cannot remember the last time I was this happy, and I've got a pretty great memory. A lot of it is happy for the people around me; Almost everyone seem to be in a really good place right now. That makes Little Miss Codependent in me very happy. And then there's just me happy. Happy for me, happy because of me, happy because I make other people happy. Like, I wake up smiling and I go to sleep smiling, and it never feels faked these days. Which is kinda a big deal?

Love this song and video this week!

I loved being in the valley, and I'm kinda happy to be home. Today was just kind a traumatic day! FOUR missionary farewells...
Skippy Holladay is leaving to North Carolina.
Stanton Davis is leaving to Columbia.
Curtis Ellsworth is going to Madrid, Spain.
And Rhett MacNielle, my 'heathen', is going to South Dakota.

It's not like I hang out with the boys anyway, half of them were away at ASU. But... There's something so final about someone leaving like that. No matter what happens, I won't hear Skippy laugh, or Rhett play the piano, or Stanton sing for TWO YEARS. And Kyle Pratt is going to Indiana, he's leaving soon... I feel like I'm losing people who should not be lost.

But! there's always a silver lining. For one, they're all going to be incredible missionaries, I know it. And more than that, I'm happy.
I'M HAPPY.

And now I kind of know why... Because it's been four months.
This is an incredible talk that Sam found... I would SERIOUSLY recommend watching it. Especially Blake, Ms. Abel, Benny... Other intellectuals.

Anyways, I love you all.
So much.

Talk to you soon.

Miss Cassidi Is Not A Cat.

2008-12-26T23:09:00.000-08:00

Whoops... I guess it has been almost a week since I posted.
It goes back to this theory Miss Amy and I have:
People only blog late at night when they're bored and depressed. When you're happy, you don't want to blog, you want to spend your time being happy.
Or as Karadactyl and I have found out, silly and happy and giggly.
So here's a bit of an update...

Christmas was pretty bomb! aside from that it still doesn't feel like christmas... it should just barely be thanksgiving or something. But loot! I got 'the Cassidi' dress, which I am so happy about... Almost as much because of what it means than the dress it's self... it means i'm healing. i bought the dress, with all the emotional attachment it has, but i plan to have it mean something very different soon. it will be a physical representation of the emotional and mental journey i've come on the past six months, of what i've lost and what i've gained, and will continue to lose and gain. and that means more to me than anything else i could've been given in a box or bag.
i also got a printer, and ABBA Gold [tehe!] and a cool shirt.
then i came down to the valley, and kinda hit the jackpot here. my dad got me this really pretty silver necklace, and money. then miss amy got me a new digital camera! and get this... PINK POLKA DOTS. which in and of it's self would be awesome, but she got me a betsey johnson camera case. BETSEYVILLE!!!! Squee!
So that's that.
I'm in the valley of the sundresses and low rise jeans? except for that i tried to wear low rise jeans today and froze my butt off! it should not be cold and overcast down here... when it is there is virtually NO appeal. Except for my favorite part of Christmas...
After Christmas SHOPPING! All I have to say is, I need to start going on more dates, because I just got a few way cute dresses that I don't want to waste on regular school days.

Other than that, things are just going incredibly well.
I'm a-dork-ably happy and smiley all the time... And I love it.

The Most Remarkable Thing About You Standing In The Doorway Is That It's You, And You're Standing In The Doorway.

2008-12-18T18:48:00.000-08:00

This has been running through my head for about a week now.
I don't know why, maybe because of the essay on a relationship I'm writing, that really made me think about the way I think about people. [How's that for circular reasoning?]
I've been thinking about how real that is. I mean, it sounds like nonsense, but it's not!

It's you.
You are an amazing person, a person worth reckoning. YOU are remarkable.

And you're standing in the doorway.
You're here. You, this incredible, remarkable person... You're in my doorway. You're standing there, facing me... In my door way.

And no, that's not about any particular person, so don't get your panties in a twist.
It's just... truth.
I'm into that these days...
Ugly truths that expose weakness.
Exciting truths that, when revealed, produce wonderment and connection.
Disappointing truths that are what they are, without any hope of reconciliation.
On the other hand, I'm pretty proud of myself for that. I'm training to not give into my natural people-pleaser instincts, but instead to do what i feel is best.

This picture makes me happy. It reminds me that even in the dead of winter, there can be sunshine and happiness found.

What The Blog?

2008-12-17T23:08:00.001-08:00

Okay, so I found this on Katy Perry's blog, but I totally promise it has nothing to do with her.
It just made me go
Whiskey.
Tango.
Foxtrot.
??

PS: I'm totally going to use that all the time now... Thanks Ms. Abel. :D

Take Me Away...

2008-12-16T20:30:00.000-08:00

Not such a good day.
I'll write more later, I don't even have the heart to now.

But Kara put this song on a CD for me, and it seriously COMPLETELY explains how my life feels right now.

Wherever one door closes, a window opens, right?
:(

The Things That Might Happen.

2008-12-12T22:22:00.000-08:00

Just so you know, I checked and it's all going to be ok. I promise.

via pleasefindthis.blogspot.com

Truth.

2008-12-12T21:13:00.000-08:00

I watch people sometimes, wonder how they can walk around with the weight of what they know. Wonder if they feel like me, stumbling with lead shoes on the bottom of the ocean, swimming in a sea of the unsayable. It’s a mistake we make, thinking its words that tell us everything. It’s sound that breaks glasses, cracks windows, sends cats up trees. Bats hear more than humans, understand more noise, let alone dogs. Maybe we’re just not getting it, standing here listening for sensible speech, dying of loneliness and waiting for whatever it is. How do we know we’re not calling and calling all the time, our throats so tight with it, its too high to hear?

-Cate Kennedy, A Pitch Too High For Human Ear (Short Story)

Playlist.

2008-12-05T11:36:00.000-08:00

1.

2.

3.

The air felt thinner in the room. Thinner, and sad.

2008-12-05T11:11:00.001-08:00

to all the ones who tried the most was i supposed to cheer your efforts?
golly gee... i am the poster girl!
i've missed the dresden dolls SO MUCH.

How are you? Fine, and you? It’s not that we don’t care, it’s that we’re terrified that someone will actually break down and tell us. Everyone I know is in some kind of pain. Everyone. How do you like them apples? And so, another reason to lie, because we’ve all agreed not to tell the truth to each other, not about that. Someone put their hand in my heart and they didn’t take it back out.

-Richard Siken

I feel like this every day.

Dear You:

Love, Me.

I Must've Missed The Memo...

2008-12-02T16:33:00.000-08:00

About today being "A Little Piece of Hell" day. I mean, if I had known, I would've at least dressed up for the occasion.

Everything was fine until 3rd hour. I went to lunch with Kara, did pretty well in math, loved government [as usual] and then the crap hit the fan. I can't even... My mom took my laptop away, so I hadn't been online in quite a while, so I snuck on Facebook in Ms. Abel's room. Right in time, I guess.
how do you leave the past behind when it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?

I couldn't even look around the room. Everything was spinning... It's like those stupid movie scenes where all the sound dulls except for the heartbeat, which is somehow overpowering. Ran to the bathroom, tried to throw up what wasn't in my stomach, and did what any upset girl does:
I went and found my Bee. Bawled my eyes out in the middle of Bledsoe's classroom.
How does that happen? It must be like seeing someone falling from a tightrope into Niagara Falls... A part of you totally expects it, but it's still hard to watch. Except it was me falling off the rope, and no one seemed to notice. I don't blame them... It's not something you watch for. Except for me, being a total basketcase as it is. I always expect it. Dread it, but know it's coming.
It takes so little to fall... An unexpected gush of wind. A yell, causing you to look and lose your balance. A picture.

So Bee and I ditched 4th hour and went to the only place in the world that can solve problems [or so i thought]: Fiesta Mexicana. Except turns out it wasn't as perfect as I've always dreamed... I couldn't even finish my raspberry daiquiri. And completely forget about the chips and salsa. Mostly we sat and she listened to me cry, and we tried to figure out what was wrong with the boys in our lives, and decided we'd leave that to brain surgeons or someone who knew, like the Dali Llama. We were about to leave, still pretty teary [I was, anyway] and we suddenly looked at our check. It has the place where it says so-and-so was your server, except ours was a little different:
Taken Care of By: Jesus.
I KNOW, RIGHT?
After that, we went thrifting and she got a wicked instant Polaroid camera [2.50!] and I got two dresses, for only $4! Pictures of those later.
Then in something I can only call serendipity, we took a back road to the school, and guess who we saw?
If you guessed Alex and Nick driving to his house, you're lying.
We made a hasty U-turn, then tailed those boys all the way back to Alex's. [Okay, kinda hasty.] I was so happy to see them... Those two completely made my day. Also, decade. =]
They had to leave for class in Snowflake, so after a few minutes we said goodbye to Alex, Nick, Adrian and Chelsea [they showed up soon after us] and went to KMart and played Rock Band- er, Guitar Hero III! With Bee on the drums and me on the guitar, we rocked out to 'Eye of the Tiger' [Shout out to my boy Jensen] and Everlong, and some Sumblime song I've fell in love with. They didn't have the film for the Polaroid, so we went to WalMart and picked it up. Then we drove to dad's office singing sad songs at the top of our lungs [par the course for the two of us] and I came inside. Tried to eat some popcorn [didn't stay down long] and now I'm entering receipts in mom's computer and blogging.
Don't know why I bother blogging... I mean, it's not like it does any good. It doesn't take away this feeling like my stomach somehow was installed upside down. It doesn't get rid of the embarrassment and anger that just isn't going away, even after exactly FOUR MONTHS.
For what it's worth, I was okay. I was getting the happy back again. I have incredible people in my life who have somehow dragged me out of my sadness zombie stage, and it wasn't easy for them. But they didn't give up on me. Only now I feel like I've gone careening back, like I tripped over some invisible crack in the ground and fell face first into that dream where waking up is almost as bad as the nightmares, and I can't even function around happy people because I bring them down.
Welcome back, "Negative Energy". Only this one isn't all my fault. You can blame this on the past that refuses to stay buried, on the memories that won't go away and the hopes that were completely and irrefutably shattered last weekend.
Hey thanks!
And by the way, you don't get to tell me to settle down. And you don't get to tell me you love me... that's part of what got us in this mess to begin with. I told you, but you didn't listen. About as usual, I'd say. So if you're upset, or angry, or think you can make yourself out to be the victim? FORGET ABOUT IT. Though you're not really the one who has to put up with it, do you? I doubt you even care anymore. Something in me wants to believe that if you had any idea, you'd at least try to do something about it. But what? Nice of you to try to keep up appearances, though.

In other news, I'm taking Nick Prevo to Winter Formal. Should be jazzy... He's a fun kid. We're in a group with my Bee & Eric Pearce so far... Anyone else need a group?

Everything I Do Is Laced With Your Color.

2008-11-26T09:57:00.000-08:00

The Happy version of Twenty Things... Thanks Ms. Abel for the Motivation!

1. I am tearing up just thinking about you. Do you have any idea where I'd be if you hadn't been around the past three years? Dead is where I'd be. Or at the very least in an abusive relationship. I seriously want to keep you all to myself and never even let anyone else around, just so I won't ever have the chance to lose you. Bad mental process, I know, and anyone else in the world would freak out over it. But you get it. You know all my dark, dirty secrets, and I don't even care. You light up my life. I wake up in the morning excited to see what new amazing things you have to share with me. If I ever lose you, sepeku will inevitably follow.

2. You are absloutely beautiful. And to make it worse, you're one of the sweetest, most genuine people I've ever known. I am so proud to call you one of my nearest and dearest. I hope nothing will ever pull us apart.

3. Words cannot express how much you've come to mean to me. I know I'm never going to be one of your 'can't-live-without's, and you are one of the few people that I realize that and don't care. Every time you open your mouth, I know I'm going to hear something that skews my perception of the world around me. I am so blessed to have you around. Love you, man. I hope to always have you in my life.

4. You are the sweetest, dearest, most fascinating person I have ever met in my life. Every time I think about you I'm just mesmerized [which is quite often, actually.] and the best part is that you feel the same way about me. If anyone could've pulled me of the the zombie phase, it would have to be you. I'm so grateful every day that I have you in my life. And I do love you. Maybe not in the same way yet, but don't doubt that I do.

5. I seriously do not know where you have been all my life! I have never felt so close to someone I met so recently. I see in you so much that I want to emulate, your attitude, your inner strength, your beauty and you pure heart. You deserve the very, very best, and I know you'll get it. I hope that we can always be friends!

6. You're not around anymore, and I get that. I don't regret it. But I would be stupid to try to act like you haven't had any impact on me. For years now, you've had a spot so very dear to my heart. You could always lift me up, no matter what it was dragging me down. You helped me grow in so many ways, and a part of me will always miss your explosions of happiness. I don't think things would work out even if you did want me back, but it doesn't matter anymore. Love you in lightyears. Still.

7. You have taken me to the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Nothing about you is mellow to me. I wish every day I could go back and right some of the wrongs, but you always told me to have faith that everything will work out. You will always have the biggest part of my heart, and be the main component of my life plans. I hope someday there will be peace between us, but until then, just know that I would not be anything close to the person I am today if it hadn't been for you and the fact that you, at one time, were mine. Love you, sorry for the mess.

8. I miss who you were, who we were, and whether you like it or not, I will always call you my best friend. You helped me [literally] dance through some really rough spots, and that won't be soon forgotten. I seriously would marry you just because I don't ever want you to not be around me. But I'm so glad you're as happy as you are. Your happy makes me happy.

9. I spent so long being jealous of you I didn't realize how much I really love you. But now that I've gotten over my own selfish problems, I realize you are one of the best, sweetest, most beautiful people I know. I seriously just want to be your best friend, more than anything. I wouldn't really know how to tell you that I just want to be a big part of your life, because I think the world of you. I'm sorry for the problems we've had in the past, but I really want you to know that I just love you. I think you might be the same person as me, but who makes all the right decisions.

Cassidi and Tara Have Fun At The Mall.

2008-11-25T08:04:00.000-08:00

We were twinsies with our darling dresses and red hair!

It was actually disgusting how cool those dresses were... And how expensive!

And these came home with us.

Basically... Yesterday was amazing. My next blog will include how incredibly charmed my life is... Serendipitious, really.
I love you all!

Shiny, Happy People...

2008-11-23T20:37:00.000-08:00

This is the song of week, guys. It totally sums me up lately!

And I really love this one, too... I heard it when I was hanging with Tara in October, and just barely refound it. LOVE LOVE!

So, tomorrow is probably gonna be the coolest day EVER... I get to hang out with Miss Amy in the morning, then go to the Phoenix Art Institute, then go chill with Tara! I'm so flippin psyched, you don't even know.

Someone's Sweetheart.

2008-11-22T07:37:00.000-08:00

This is something I have really come to appreciate more lately.

The people we know, and even the people we don't, someone cares about them. Every single person who has ever lived has someone who wants them to be happy and loves them. How would we feel if our someone got flipped off, or insulted, or even cut off? We want the best for the people we love. And everyone, everyone. has someone who loves them. They may not be in their life right now, but someone, somewhere, loves them and wants someone to look after them, to keep them safe.
How will that person feel, knowing that you or I hurt their whole world? Knowing you made them shed even one tear, the person they only want to have smiles and sunshine in their life? Maybe it was unintentional, maybe it was just that you overcharged them, or swore at them, or just picked a fight. But you effect the lives of everyone around you.

I think that's just something we need to remember, especially me... Every person you know has someone who loves them and cares about them. So let's just treat them like they were our someone, or their someone is our someone.
Kay?

Other Adventures With The Word Sweetheart.

At 1776 with Alex, an old gentleman named Barry came up to me and told me I looked just like his high school sweetheart. The exact same hair color, cut, and same facial structure. I was so flattered! He was so excited, I think, to see someone who reminded him of someone so dear to him.
That really made me wonder... This man had to be at least in his 50's, possibly older. And he still fondly remembered the girl who had his heart in high school. I'm assuming it ended well, as he was so happy to remember her. Who will remember me from high school? Who, decades from now, will smile when they see someone who reminds them of me? Or even care to recognize a resemblance? I'm afraid I've already slammed one door shut, I'm pretty sure they'll just flinch. But is there hope for others? People who will be pleased to reminisce about good times? People I'll run into, we'll stop for drinks, and just enjoy each other's company?
Sweetheart is still my favorite word. Though lately I'm partial to the Spanish translation, querida. I simply love it. Sweetheart, dearest, love. I'm a sucker for petnames. =]

The Same Old Blood Rush With A New Touch.

2008-11-21T17:57:00.000-08:00

So, I realize I've not blogged in a while. Missed me, right? ~~Not.~~ I've got stuff to say, just... No motivation, I suppose. I'm so tired all the time, I don't even want to stay up to blog.
But I'm so happy these days! Maybe that's it... I told Miss Amy the only time anyone is bored enough to blog is in the dead of night when you're depressed and lonely... Otherwise you'd have better things to do. That's the way it is with me, anyway.

But truly! I'm happy... All the time now.
Here are some of the things that have made me happy:

1.
I cannot tell you how much I love this song!

2. You're the most beautiful zombie I've ever seen.

3.
[Yes, I realize the pic is crazy old. Don't care.]
I've been hanging with Blake lately... And seriously, man. I think I respect you more than just about any teenager I know. Just talking with you, hanging out with you has changed my entire outlook on things lately. I owe you... Big time.

4.

5. My first shot at 'fashion blogging', just a pic of [almost] what I wore when I went out with Alex last night [<3]

6. Going to 1776 with Alex! It was awesome! So well done, and really just a fun show. And I loved hanging out with Alex, and Katie, and the others. I love you, HS friends, but sometimes it's nice to just get a change of scene. They're fun, and all so dang good looking! It was almost intimidating... But they were so nice, it was awesome!

7. Dress Up Day with Haylee Bee. I love that dress so much... I'm going to wear it when I get married!

I'm going to go against my better judgement and stop the list at seven... I'll probably be up for hours tossing and turning because my OCD wants the list to be at ten. But it's long enough already. =D
I'm leaving in the morning... Going to the valley ALL WEEK! I'm so incredibly excited! I get to hang out with Tara, possibly Sam, and get my hair done!
Now if i can just find my stupid camera...

Open Your Eyes; I Need You To Look Into Mine.

2008-11-15T23:31:00.000-08:00

If you tuck the name of a loved one
under your tongue too long
without speaking it
it becomes blood
sigh
the little sucked-in breath of air
hiding everywhere
beneath your words.

The last 48 hours may have been some of the best of my senior year.
I can't even put most of it into words... Just feelings I had, things that suddenly made sense. It became completely clear that humans and pine needles fall to the ground when they've been thrown up. That there is a whole Somewhere Out There beyond the pale moonlight, if only I can be brave enough to reach for it.

Why I Haven't Been This Happy In A Long Time
1. Acadec Scrimmage: Went so well! We basically kicked butt and took names... We tied St. Johns in Superquiz! Also, Ms. Abel promised me if I beat all the A's in quizzes for the rest of the class, she'll make me A1. My new goal is to get more medals as an A than Tucker did. :]
2. Yesterday [Friday] after school, Blake and I just hung out, and talked about everything. That's mostly what's hard to describe... I let out a lot of things that I've been keeping pent up, and then I tried to let some new things, new ideas, new hopes, in where the old bitter and hurt were stored in my heart. I hope some of it will stay. At the end of life, you just hope you have the right kind of regrets.
3. Hanging with Ms. Abel, my best person in the galaxy. We were able to talk talk talk our heads off, and that was absolutely awesome. I think we both really needed it, especially since we're NOT GONNA SEE EACH OTHER FOR TWO WEEKS!!! It's okay... We'll be stay a LOT more in contact now that she's GIVEN IN TO THE SOCIAL NETWORKING CRAZE!!! {I love you the mostest.}
4. It is OVER! The Outsiders, the stupid play that stole my soul, my time, my health, my best friend, my everything... The dark hole that sucked what was left of my love of theatre and hope in people. It's OVER! I won't ever have to perform on that stage again.
I know in about two months, i'll be heartbroken. I won't eat or sleep or talk for days, just because I can't handle change. But as of now, all I can feel is relief. I don't have to worry, I don't have to get sick, I don't have to stress. Well, I'll have to stress, but not about that. And no more 'there's more drama in drama than drama'. I wash my hands of everything. And I feel free.

I want to be better. I want to be happy, to let go of things.
I think that's my first step... Kali tells me that holding onto grudges is unhealthy. Like, literally bad for the body. So I want to slowly and systematically remove the hate and anger from my system. Some things will definitely take longer than others... I'm usually good at letting go of the small stuff fairly quickly. It's when I let the thorn fester and get infected in me that I have a problem.
Start with forgiving yourself, and stop blaming yourself for something that isn't your fault.

Count Me In.

2008-11-14T20:51:00.001-08:00

10 things you wish you could say to ten different people right now:

1) I'm always terrified that you'll stop loving me... Probably because I deserve it.
2) I cannot put into words how grateful I am for you. You seriously amaze me. Please don't ever not be in my life?
3) I miss you so much. I hate knowing things will never ever be the same.
4) You're the reason I wake up some mornings.
5) You are not him. Not even close.
6) I really want to be a big part of your life.
7) I'm afraid of what you're turning me into.
8) You're the reason I have no more emotional inhibitions... If someone I love as much as I did you could do to me what you did, there's no point in trusting anyone with that much power, so why not distribute it evenly. Um, thanks?
9) I don't hang out with you for a reason.
10) I've got your iPod.

9 Things people probably don’t know about you:

1) I'm totally addicted to European fashion blogs.
2) I'm double jointed in the elbows.
3) I'm not really into shoes anymore.
4) I don't want to get my license.
5) I will sing along to ANYTHING. Seriously, if I know the words, I'll be jamming out right along with it, and I don't care if you are annoyed or not.
6) I'm huge into dream interpretations and such... Tell me your dreams, I'll tell you what your subconscious is trying to tell you.
7) I'm not good at anything practical. It's hard to find careers in acting, photography and making people feel good.
8) It really bugs me when people can't take compliments well.
9) My favorite parts of my body are my neck, shoulders and collarbone.

8 ways to win your heart:

1) Make me laugh.
2) Interact with my family.
3) Make me think.
4) Respect yourself, and me.
5) Little things: A flower, a smile, an acknowledgment, a joke.
6) Compliments. 'Nuff said.
7) Be emotionally wacked. [Apparently I just can't handle good, normal guys.]
8)

7 awesome movies:

1) Gone With The Wind.
2) Spaceballs.
3) The Bachelor.
4) Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back.
5) Talledega Nights.
6) South Pacific.
7) Saturday's Warrior.

6 things you do before you fall asleep:

1) Eat Life.
2) Strip to my skivvies.
3) Turn around a few times, end up facing my wall, away from my mirror. ALWAYS.
4) Set my alarm.
5) Hold my teddy bear, Pippin.
6) Pray.

5 people who mean a lot: (no order)

1) Kathy Abel.
2) Mom.
3) BioDad.
4) Sadie.
5) The Doc.

4 things you don’t like:
1) SHARING PEOPLE I LOVE.
2) Meat.
3) Letting people too c
4) When people ignore me.

3 things you like:
1) Supernatural.
2) Taking pictures.
3) Capitalization.

2 things you want to do before you die:

1) Own a star.
2) Get married.

1 confession

1)

Hearts Are Often Broken By Words That Are Left Unspoken.

2008-11-12T20:35:00.000-08:00

I fell in love with the way you wrote. How you took the time to say exactly what you meant instead of leaving everything to those inane moments when we’d meet in the street, making strange noises with our mouths in the hope that they’d somehow convey how we felt.
You and I were always better written down than standing up.

On this day, you read something that moved you and made you realize there were no more fears to fear. No tears to cry. No head to hang in shame. That every time you thought you’d offended someone, it was all just in your head and really, they love you with all their heart and nothing will ever change that. That everyone and everything lives on inside you. That that doesn’t make any of it any less real.

That soft touches will change you and stay with you longer than hard ones.

That being alone means you’re free. That old lovers miss you and new lovers want you and the one you’re with is the one you’re meant to be with. That the tingles running down your arms are angel feathers and they whisper in your ear, constantly, if you choose to hear them. That everything you want to happen, will happen, if you decide you want it enough. That every time you think a sad thought, you can think a happy one instead.

That you control that completely.

That the people who make you laugh are more beautiful than beautiful people. That you laugh more than you cry. That crying is good for you. That the people you hate wish you would stop and you do too.

That your friends are reflections of the best parts of you. That you are more than the sum total of the things you know and how you react to them. That dancing is sometimes more important than listening to the music.

That the most embarrassing, awkward moments of your life are only remembered by you and no one else. That no one judges you when you walk into a room and all they really want to know, is if you’re judging them. That what you make and what you do with your time is more important than you’ll ever fathom and should be treated as such. That the difference between a job and art is passion. That neither defines who you are. That talking to strangers is how you make friends.

That bad days end but a smile can go around the world. That life contradicts itself, constantly. That that’s why it’s worth living.

That the difference between pain and love is time. That love is only as real as you want it to be. That if you feel good, you look good but it doesn’t always work the other way around.

That the sun will rise each day and it’s up to you each day if you match it. That nothing matters up until this point. That what you decide now, in this moment, will change the future. Forever. That rain is beautiful.

And so are you.

I Want The Stars In My Eyes

2008-11-10T16:32:00.001-08:00

Can life please return to some sentiment of normalcy, please?
Tomorrow is the first day of my new life. And it's gonna be a blast...
Play practice in the morning,
Hopefully hot tubbing with Miss Kali,
Then As It Is In Heaven with Alex!
I cannot wait. This weekend just threw me too much out of wack. I'm hoping that now things can settle back down. Maybe I shouldn't get my hopes up too much just yet... I'll say things will go back to normal after this weekend, after the show closes.
Or after Thanksgiving.
Or... When I graduate.
Something.
Anyways, here are some pearls from Denny's with the cast and fam:

Miss Leah, my new girlfriend. =]

Precious picture of Ponyboy... Love it!

By the way, John Winchester is my veteran.

My Significant Other. =]

2008-11-08T22:20:00.001-08:00

So, I just want to tell you all a little bit about my new boyfriend... His name is Jensen.

You think I'm kidding?
Well. I'm not.
I truly don't think I'll date another boy until it's this one. I don't care if he's 30... I've seen worse!
[Shut up, Ben... I'm not talking Supernatural. I'm talking about my beautiful boyfriend.]

But I for real can't wait to post all the pictures Miss Amy took of our play! There were some handy dandy ones. Especially some cute ones of me and my girlfriend, Leah. She's keeping me company until I'm legal for Jensen.
I love that girl!

Miniature Disasters And Minor Catastrophes.

2008-11-08T07:16:00.000-08:00

The Show Must Go On.
In spite of illness, building the sets during the first few scenes, and skipping entire SCENES. [I'm bitter at you, Orrin.] And it did. When they said I survived it, they meant barely.
But second night went much better. [Pssst! It's because I tucked packets of salt in everyone's costumes... Warded off the bad spirits!] But it did go much better. I even started feeling better! Whoo. =]

So, today should be even better! I hope.
I don't really have much else to say... My life these days is the play and Supernatural. And you won't let me blog about that, so My life these days is the play. Which is... Meh. But truly, I can't wait for it to be over. The cast party is where the real pay off comes. =]
I was supposed to be at rehersal 40 minutes ago, but I have an excuse, truly I do.
My little brother fell and might have gotten a concussion last night, so my parents were up with him for forever, and they're just waking up now. So I'll probably be heading in in a moment or two.

I wish I had something deep or philosophical to write, but really? I'm just bored these days. Chronically bored. If it wasn't for Alex being such a complete sweetie [<3] and Ms. Abel keeping me above water with the Winchester boys, I'd probably be in a straightjacket by now.

Three Is A Magic Number... Tag! You're It!

2008-11-02T21:17:00.001-08:00

What are the last three things you purchased?
My Halloween Costume [black wig, fangs].
Lunch.
Movie ticket: Nick and Nora's.

What are the last three songs you downloaded?
Carry On My Wayward Son, Kansas
The Ballad of Jared and Jensen
Love And Some Verses, Iron and Wine

What are the last three places you visited?
Washington, DC.
Phoenix.
Utah.

What are your three favorite movies?
Spaceballs.
Gone With The Wind.
Somewhere In Time.

What are your three favorite possessions?
My camera, however shoddy it might be.
Sam [my laptop]
And my journals. I've got ones since sixth grade that I can't bear to get rid of because I want to be able to look back.

What three things can you not live without?
Affection.
Books.
Candy.

What would be your three wishes?
To feel fulfilled, like I've done something really, really worth doing.
To find my passion.
To be loved.

What three things haven’t you done yet?
I've never gone 'partying'. I've always wanted to, but never a full out, dance club party.
I haven't gotten my driver's license yet. I know, I know, what the crap.
I haven't donated blood.

What are your three favorite dishes?
I love pasta. Alfredo is on my new list.
Fruit salad. Actually, fruit anything.
Broccoli. LOVE IT!

Which three celebrities would you most like to hang out with?
J cubed...
Jeffery Dean Morgan, Jensen Ackles, and Jared Padalecki.

Name three things that freak you out?
I HATE it when things jump out at me [As Alex can attest to.]
Don't like dropping... Roller coasters are totally out for me.
Definitely not a fan of confrontation. I'd rather let things quietly simmer away than talk it out.

Name three unusual things you are good at.
I can make people feel really good about themselves, by complimenting them to death, or being really gracious.
I can make really good vegetarian chili.
I have one of the best memories of anyone I've ever met.

Which three things are you coveting?
A new digital camera
Long, curly hair
More confidence.

Tag three bloggers to do it!
Ms. Abel.
Miss Tara.
Alex Dax.

Things That Make Me Happy.

2008-11-01T21:54:00.000-07:00

1.
Rainy Days.

2.
Sleep.

3.
Pictures.

4.
Flowers. =]

5.
Hugging.

6.
Being On Stage.

7.
Fun Dip.

8.
Attention.

9.
Blogging.

10.
Laughing.

11.
Playgrounds.

12.
Red Hair.

Day!

2008-11-01T00:25:00.000-07:00

Today was basically bomb. =]
It didn't really feel like Halloween, actually... [Well, it isn't now, but it was about half an hour ago. I digress.] Just like a really cool day. Ms. Abel and I started on season one of Supernatural [!!!] and that pretty much takes up over half my day. What I don't spend watching it, I spend thinking about or singing "The Sammy Song" [see squeegirls.blogspot.com, the reason why all three of you can bear to read my blog anymore. lol] Then *gasp* play practice didn't completely SUCK! Shay brought Alex, Nice Heather, Chelsea and a couple of other friends from the college, and it made a WORLD of difference. Mostly because Alex said "I'm not here to put up with your crap, I'm here to help." Everyone shaped up so fast I didn't think it was possible. I was so pleased!
Then I somehow let that crazy kid talk me into going to the haunted corn maze with the college kids. Was I scared? Actually, I wouldn't know. I spent the entire twenty minutes with Alex basically draping over me and my face shoved in his jacket. So I don't really know how scary it is... I just heard everyone else screaming and so I'm assuming it was terrified. I think one of the creepy little girls tried to steal my shoes! [My favorites; the purple ballet flats!] They kept coming off, and I was almost too terrified to look back... But I wasn't about to let some girl who only even comes around once a year get her greedy little decomposing hands on MY shoes!
Long story short, we were all totally flipped out, and it was... Fun. Afterwards was a BLAST, though! I loved hanging out with the college kids... Alex, Chelsea, Adrian, Nick, Heather, Kayla, all of them. It was kinda like a breath of fresh air. I could have conversations with people, or even just listen to conversations with people who I felt were on the same level I am. No offense, friends, but truly. It's a whole different experience when you're with people who are around your same age, who think the same way you do. I can't remember the last time I laughed that much.
I feel... Revived. Restored. Flirted with. lol.

"Aerodynamically, the bumblebee shouldn’t be able to fly. But the bumblebee doesn’t know this, so it goes on flying anyway. "

Breathe Out, So I Can Breathe You In...

2008-10-29T16:10:00.001-07:00

I'm waiting here for you, everlong.
So, probably I should be at practice instead of sitting in Ms. Abel's room watching them play Gutiar Hero: World Tour and squeeing over those silly Winchester brothers.
But lately there's just nothing there for me. I hang out with Karadoll, and have Mr. Willard yell at me. And pick fights with Levi. Nothing personal, but it's kinda not worth it.
But I promised Ben no more Supernatural, so...
I'm so bored. With life, with me, with... Everything.
All my family is gone, and all I really do is go to play practice and watch Supernatural. If I didn't have Ms. Abel, can I just tell you how messed my life would be right now?
Okay, I guess this blog is turning into a "Guess How Much I Love My Acadec Coach?" but I couldn't care less. This lady is fraking awesome. I'm pretty sure she's my more sane half.
Since I'm not allowed to blog about Supernatural, and I'm sick and tired of rehersal, let's talk about...

Better Days.

I was talking to Bledsoe today about the algebra class I was taking this summer, and I realized: That was pretty much the best few months of my life. I had everything I could possibly want, and then some. So maybe, all that was a build up. Like, a gift... A consolation prize of sorts?

Why I Hate The Term "BFF"

2008-10-28T21:36:00.000-07:00

If you told me I would have to pick one of these people and lose the rest in my life, I would probably blow my brains out.
"Best" friend implies that there's someone in your life that is more important than everyone else, someone who you would sacrifice everyone else in your life for, no questions asked. Well, sorry kids, but I can't deal with that.
Best friend is to desperately over used. Every friend you have HAS to be your BEST friend, or they're not worth being friends at all.
Maybe I'm just bitter about this term, since every relationship I've had lately worth having has been branded with it and then trashed by it. Some of them I've been lucky enough to recover, but seriously? "Sorry, so-and-so is my best friend, we're leaving you out." "Oh, you're definitely the best friend. Sorry I can't offer more, but that's a great role to say you have, right?"
It's trash. And for me to say "Miss, you are my BEST friend, and I will put you before everyone else in my life"... I'd just be lying. I honestly can't say there's a single person in my life that I would put before every other living person. Except possibly:

I kid.
But truly, I hate the very connotation that phrase has anymore. I hate that people think every single friend you have has to be your 'best friend'. I hate that if someone thinks they're not someone else's 'best friend' that the other person doesn't love them.
Sorry kids, and I know this is dumb coming from me, but grow up.
It doesn't matter if they say they're your best friend or not, they're all going to just leave you in the end anyways.

Candle In The Wind.

2008-10-27T18:38:00.001-07:00

• It's all make believe, isn't it?
• I don't want to make money. I just want to be wonderful.
• Creativity has got to start with humanity and when you're a human being, you feel, you suffer.
• Acting isn't something you do. Instead of doing it, it occurs. If you're going to start with logic, you might as well give up. You can have conscious preparation, but you have unconscious results.
• If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question I've got to follow it through. What am I supposed to do - look intelligent?
• Shelley Winters: If she'd been dumber, she'd have been happier.
• About Marilyn Monroe, by her ex-husband, Arthur Miller: To have survived, she would have had to be either more cynical or even further from reality than she was. Instead, she was a poet on a street corner trying to recite to a crowd pulling at her clothes.

I like her. I think I'd like to be more like her in some ways... Though probably not get it on with JFK.
JDM, sure. =D

In other news, this is my 100th blog! Whoo? I wonder if maybe this means it's time for me to do what I planned to: Print this silly thing out and bind it for generations to come. I want my daughters to realize that I went through good and bad times too. I love, love reading my mom's journal, and I think I'm more attentive [?] to this than my book journal. Though I do need to work on that, too.
This blog has seen a lot: At least two playlists, quite a few names, and endless complaints and triumphs. Almost eleven months, and still going strong.
I love you guys. =]
-Cass

Trade Your Passion for Glory...

2008-10-25T16:46:00.000-07:00

Haylee and I are squee-ing now...
The joy will never, ever end. Not as long as that video stays uploaded and on my/Ms. Abel's blog.
WHY is he so cool???
Ms. Abel, this may turn the tide of the eternal battle [AKA Jared vs. Jensen] in Jensen's favor.

Emilee got baptized yesterday... It was really cool! Especially since a bunch of family came up for it... Grammy & Grandpa Farnsworth, Grandma & Grandpa Hastings, Nadia and Ben & Julie. Also, Karadoll came over and took a bunch of my clothes [it's all part of the downsizing] and then Haylee came to Em's baptism and came over to hang. We went to Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist [Hi, Benberly!] which actually was not half as good as the hype. It kinda bummed me out... I had such high hopes. =[
And I've decided I just need to jump back into that dating pool. I'm tired of sitting home at night and being bored. I've got a few different fellas in mind... Pity the next boy I bring into my wicked web. =D

Lackluster, Man.

2008-10-23T11:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Ms. Abel:
I miss *you.
*See: Supernatural.

I found this picture of all three Winchester boys, and OH EM GEE, guys. I just want Jared to be my big brother, Jensen to be my crying buddy,and Jeffery to be my boyfriend. Also, life partner.

Practice yesterday really, really was bad. I went to practice in the BEST mood because I was in Ms. Abel's room watching my J Cubed, and I came to practice a little late. Naturally, I walked in right as we started the "pep talk". No lie, that was pretty much a whole lot of negative energy... And if that's coming from ME, you know it's a downer.
Then we all wrote down all the problems we had with the play 'anonymously' and Heather read them out loud. It's not like everyone doesn't already know which one I had:
We don't love each other. There's no bonding. All the faith in the play in the world won't do any good if we don't have faith in each other.
Other people wrote that we didn't pay attention,we don't care... Someone said it was all my fault.[I'm looking at you, Levi.] And Blake made a T-chart: My problem is, as par the course, Tucker. [When you figure out how to help that, Blake, you let me know.]
Mr. Willard went around and told us all what he liked about us to get the juju back up to something decent... Blake is focused, oZ is emotional, Marcia is a treat... And I have high moral standards. Coming from Mr. Willard is probably the most meaningful thing he could've said, but... I felt like I needed more, you know? Like, I've been in the drama program for all four years of my high school life, and I really feel like I've put my blood, sweat, and LOTS of tears into the plays I've been involved with, and all he could say was that I have high standards.
Anyways, it was kinda rough. But I LOVED that Shay and Kara were there... I think it was really good for me to hear that Shay, who's the only other person still around that has been around nearly as long as I have, and she saw the same problems with it that I do. I needed that.

Then practice was over, and Blake drove us all home... He took me to Mutual last, and just let me cry. I needed to let it all out [again] and I feel so much better since then. He just listened. As much as I love jumping on the Blake Bandwagon, it actually was really good for me. It was nice to not have someone say 'Suck it up, get over it' which is pretty much what I've been hearing since... Labor Day. So I really do feel better, about the play, about my sweetheart, and about... Life in general.

I miss Ms. Abel. And Supernatural. And writing letters.
Really I should be less self centered. I'm working on it... I'm going to start service projects, I decided. =]

This World Is Burning, And I'm Terrified...

2008-10-21T21:36:00.000-07:00

Kudos to Ms. Abel for giving me this song on my break up CD that's come to be the soundtrack of my life.
I just found a scar on my knee... I've never even seen it before. I don't know why that wigs me out, but it does.
Also, I'm newly obsessed with Supernatural. Ohhh my sugar daddy:

Jeffery Dean Morgan, ladies and gentlemen... He's my ideal guy: Amazingly good looking, but not intimidating. I just want to sit and watch football with him [Yes, boys who've taken me to football games, I'd even learn about football for Jeffery. No, I would only fake it for you.] and then go camping. Alone, in the wilderness. For the rest of my life. lol.
Ahem. He is YUM. End of story. =]

I don't really know what else to say... I think I'm getting sick. I'm exhausted, and I have no appetite at all. For about two hours today, I DIDN'T WANT TACO BELL. I ate it once I went there, but it just wasn't the same. I'm so tired... I'll probably be going to sleep shortly after this.
I'm just ready for it all to be over. Maybe I'll just take a bus ride to the middle of nowhere and never come back.
I think I'll be okay once my sleep schedule evens out. And the play is over. And I can just LET GO of the past like I've been telling everyone I am.

I Know It In My Heart To Be True...

2008-10-21T00:08:00.000-07:00

Also, these are my JAMS! This is my new Good Morning Mix. I dig it. ^.^

I'm Gonna Smile, Because I Deserve To!

2008-10-18T01:01:00.000-07:00

Me 'n' The Bee.

I was so excited to see Rachelle at the Homecoming Game!

"We're been cool for, like, two whole days!" [The rest are probably going on the other blog, Baby.]

The Cherries:

So... Today was basically BOSS. I loved it! We had a pep assembly, and spending it with Heather and Jerem was awesome. Then I made my poster to answer Alec to homecoming during 3rd hour... I should've taken a picture! This is the gist:

Hey there [Hubba Bubba Bubble Gum},
It was better than a [Payday Candy Bar] when you asked me to homecoming! I did [Pretzel Flips]! I wouldn't trade a date with you for [100 Grand Candy Bar]. YES, I would love to [Mabma Candy Bar] the night away with you at homecoming! <3, [Sugar Babies]

That was fun. =]
Then in 4th hour, I learned the Virgina Reel with Jacob [who, I found out tonight, has a girlfriend. Oh well, flirting isn't illegal! THANK HEAVENS.] That was totally awesome! We just have so much fun together. Plus we were both wearing white and green striped shirts, so we decided it was destiny. I don't even know. =D
Then rehearsal wasn't so bad... Even though Mr. Willard, Levi and I got in a huge fight over Romeo and Juliet. It was weird... I don't know if I've ever had someone yell AT me like Levi did. We got up in each other's faces [in a not even close to sexy way] but at the same time it was kinda releasing. Then Heather and I just hung out the whole time. I'm glad we're friends again! We kinda needed a break, so we took it, and now we're good. Tehe. =]
Heather came over to my house after practice, and we got ready. [See, blasted music and put on darling clothes.] That was fun; Nadia decided to help us get dressed, and that turned out REALLY well! We were headed to... *drumroll please...*
The homecoming game!
Which was awesome. Even though I think we lost. I saw Rachelle, which was awesome. And I just loved hanging out. There were actually friends there this time, and that really made me happy. I hung out with Shay, Kara, Heather, Rachelle... Everyone! I even ran into some of my old friends who graduated... Larry King! And Shelby Kay! That was really neat.
And I met Taylor's incredibly hot brother, Brenton... We're "Best Friends" now. I love it! We had a total flirt fest. If I remember correctly, that's exactly what the doctor prescribed. ^.^
I love having Nadia up here visiting. It's so fun! Plus she has some really cool thoughts... Thoughts I think I should hear more often.
And tomorrow is the dance!
I'm way psyched. =D

MeiMei's Stories

June 25th, 2010

Milestone

FINALLY.

More Exciting Summer Adventures!

Sometimes I Get REALLY Cute Forwards.

Quickie

The End of the Line

Hey Somebody.

Can't Wait. :]

I Like The Sweet Life And The Silence...

Vacay

Where Have All The Flowers Gone?

Playlist

It's Like The RENT of Saturday Night Life!

sheh sheh.

You Don't Want To Miss Out...

I Don't Blog.

New Happy.

New Happy.

*steal!*

Remember The Time You Drove All Night?

BLAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

Give Yourself Away, Feel The Wind Blow...

I'm Not Bleeding On The Inside.

Oh Please...

Dear Kripke: Mission Accomplished.

Ten, Nine, Eight, Seven...

Are you there? it's me, cass.

Holding Out For A Hero

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day...

She was a smart girl, until she fell in love.

Doodle.

This Is A Twice In A Lifetime Experience!

To Every Boy I've Ever Loved.

Leave At Your Own Chosen Speed.

Hello Lolla

Mews!!

Be Careful What You Wish For...

I Am...

Wa-Hoo!

Vaugely Dissatisfied.

Was I The Moth, Or The Flame?

kthxbye.

Growing Pains.

They're Just Thoughts, So Go Ahead And Speak.

It's Like The Clouds Have Parted.

Do One Thing Everyday That Scares You.

Everyday Should Be A Holiday.

On A More Somber Note...

There Are No Words.

*is in hysterics*

I've Never Been There, But I Know The Way...

Every Little Girl Is A Princess

Great Blogs of Fire!

The Part Of The Game Where Miss Cass Astounds You All...

A Novel Without A Hero.

A Truth.

Cheery.

They Told Me To Tell You To Hold On.

My Miracles.

This Is...

This Must Be It, Welcome To The New Year...

The Postcard That's Taped To The Freezer Reads Wish You Were Here.

SENSORY OVERLOAD...

Miss Cassidi Is Not A Cat.

The Most Remarkable Thing About You Standing In The Doorway Is That It's You, And You're Standing In The Doorway.

What The Blog?

Take Me Away...

The Things That Might Happen.

Truth.

Playlist.

The air felt thinner in the room. Thinner, and sad.

I Must've Missed The Memo...

Everything I Do Is Laced With Your Color.

Cassidi and Tara Have Fun At The Mall.

Shiny, Happy People...

Someone's Sweetheart.

The Same Old Blood Rush With A New Touch.

Open Your Eyes; I Need You To Look Into Mine.

steal!

is in hysterics